2023-10-05 07:50:25
“I’m actually feeling pretty good today,” he says PARKWAECHTER and is HARLEQUIN. That’s good because the Baden rapper and producer hasn’t been doing so well recently. His fifth album was released. “needed” they say, but “I’m not used up yet,” grins the bearded man from his boiler suit, from which a social battery dangles. He explained to a few Tschick in the Weidingergarten where it’s going and why the PARK GUARDIAN won’t be lying around in the Maldives for five weeks in the future.
“I’m not feeling well,” you wrote on the release of your fifth album. What’s up?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Nothing new anyway. Just depression. I just put it bluntly. That wasn’t a conscious decision because: The album was finished and I was doing great. Now it’s coming out and I feel the same way I did when I wrote it. It goes in circles, shit repeats itself.
Do you recognize a pattern?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Absolutely, that has been with me since my childhood. I tried everything from therapy to medication. All of this helps and is important, but: It doesn’t go away.
Someone recently explained to me that it feels like every third album campaign revolves around mental health issues. With you it’s not promotional shit.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: I have Instagram Stories posted regarding my release and the concert and so on. A few people reacted to that. Then I have the honest text of Facebook on Instagram asked – suddenly a lot more people got in touch and told me that the album had benefited them. It felt like the capitalist algorithm was forcing me to exploit my depression for fame.
So there’s something to that.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Yes, eh. I feel pressured by this phenomenon to comment on it once more. At the same time, I don’t have the strength for it. I’m going to try it anyway because it reaches people who wouldn’t otherwise talk regarding it. This isn’t just pure selflessness, because I realize: I’m not alone.
Do you feel empowered by this?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: It’s a don’t-give-up type of reinforcement. When you’re in your phase, it doesn’t help at all, but it’s still important to hear it sometimes – from someone else, not from yourself.
You wrote the album while you were feeling bad, right?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: The slump came at the end of last year, which had been creeping up on me over a long period of time, but I put it aside because I was doing quite well from my mid to late 30s. Then I started having regular panic attacks for the first time, went to therapy and so on. At some point I’ll be with everyone Oars in the face drove and made music regarding it.
I find it impressive that you can make music in such moments.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: There was one person who was an audience and support for me. This outside pulled me out. I was no longer trapped within myself and saw that I was being noticed.
Do you need this perception?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: It’s almost like I need someone to listen to what I say in order for me to believe what I said.
An eternal loop.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Yes, it would be regarding breaking out of the loop. But in bad phases I can’t imagine an outbreak because there is no future. I’m trapped in the state.
You write: “I throw up depression over beats and call it Harlequin.”
Parkwaechter Harlekin: That’s why I try to remember that it keeps going. I may not have found the tools yet to avoid falling back into endless overwhelm. But I have hope that if I just keep going, I’ll find these tools.
You talked regarding a pattern earlier. How does this work?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: When I’m depressed, I need something to hold on to. This is the certainty that things will get better. At the same time, it is unpredictable how I will feel tomorrow or in a week. The unpredictable can mean stability that you hold on to because you realize that life is constantly changing.
There are swings up, down, sideways…
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Of the various psychotropic medications I’ve been prescribed in my life, there was one that brought me into line. I wasn’t feeling bad anymore. But it was also impossible for me to feel well. Everything just didn’t matter. At some point I mightn’t take it anymore. But I also know that happiness, like sadness, is an extreme state that cannot be a permanent state. That’s why I strive for contentment, because it can be a permanent state. But finding satisfaction where it just ripples along doesn’t work for me.
“IF YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING GOOD AND 15 PEOPLE HEAR IT – INSTEAD OF 15,000 – THAT’S SOBERING.”
Doesn’t consistency go together with satisfaction?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: I don’t know if I like that because the cliché of the suffering artist bothers me. You don’t have to be broken to make music. But I notice that when I write regarding how shitty I feel, more people get in touch because they feel shitty too. These are not just artists. But many do.
It shows …
Parkwaechter Harlekin: That the system is making us sick. It starts with the fact that we have a saying that says: You have to earn a living. Anyone who doesn’t do that doesn’t deserve to live. That is absurd.
For art this means: you have to be able to afford it?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: I do wage work so that I can allow myself to make music. Even though I know people who don’t do art, I always ask myself: Why do people actually go to work if they don’t have something like that?
To lie around in the Maldives for five weeks?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Everyone is looking for fulfillment, but the majority fail in this search because: The current system makes it almost impossible to find resources to address the question of what you actually want to do. The fact that I have known what I want to do since I was a child is a privilege. I have no idea how I would deal with it if, in addition to making a living, I had to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my time.
Maybe you’d get the idea on a two-week rainforest retreat in the Amazon Delta.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: I would rather be a drug addict.
Because the system drives you into addiction. The so-called top performers don’t check that.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Because the system works into their hands. But I’m sure: many of them also have psychological problems. And they too deserve to have a system in place to help them deal with them.
They might afford the psychotherapy.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: And that’s good as long as everyone can afford it.
In this respect, “used” is a paradigmatic title for your current album.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: That’s right, there are several meanings involved.
But used is not used.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: When you get something needed, it’s usually not that great anymore, but I’m not exhausted because I still manage to do something.
A reason once morest drug addiction.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: I’m once morest it anyway.
Because you have the will to keep going anyway.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Even if, like with music, it is often put to the test, because: If you’ve done something good and 15 people listen to it – and not 15,000 – it’s sobering. But it doesn’t change the fact that I want to do it. Absolutely! There is still a period of mourning as soon as it’s out – and once more it doesn’t ensure that my living expenses are covered.
You’re wearing a pin with a scale today, what is that?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: My Social Battery.
This is today…
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Almost always …
Not very high.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: I wanted to have it more in the middle today, but the slider is very loose and then it slides back down.
You also have a caperl from Drinnies.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: This is a good podcast that made me realize that I’m allowed to have a social hangover following interacting with a lot of people. For a long time I believed that this wasn’t normal. Now I’m more comfortable with it being that way.
That you’re allowed to have a social hangover?
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Yes, because the suggested norm is still: Be among people, don’t miss anything, share yourself with everyone and everyone. But it doesn’t have to be that way. In the same way, you don’t have to be able to cope with the circumstances – you just have to find your way around them.
That’s the sober one bottom line.
Parkwaechter Harlekin: Things still affect me, even though I enjoy many privileges of which I am aware. Nevertheless, the patriarchy is destroying me too – even though I get so much out of it.
We’ll leave it at that – thank you for your time!
Christoph Benkeser
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Links:
Parkwaechter Harlekin (Homepage)
Parkwaechter Harlekin (Facebook)
Parkwaechter Harlekin (Soundcloud)
Parkwaechter Harlekin (Bandcamp)
Parkwaechter Harlekin (Instagram)
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#DONT #BROKEN #MUSIC #PARK #GUARD #HARLEQUIN #MICA #INTERVIEW #mica
