‘Us WhatsApp But a new group had to be formed. My friend whispered to me at brunch one day, the fear in his voice as if he had just confessed to murdering a waiter at that restaurant.
‘We still exchange messages on the original (WhatsApp) group, just to make sure she doesn’t know about it. But obviously, we are really using this separate (group) properly.’
I don’t understand. Wait, so you have a separate WhatsApp group for your school friends and then a group that doesn’t include one of these girls?
‘Shush!’ He warned me, glancing around furtively. ‘It’s called a splinter group and yes we did it on purpose because none of us like this girl. She’s a nightmare, but we have to pretend she’s still part of the gang. You know that’s how it is.’
Until this morning I did nothing like that. That was a few years ago and I have since learned that between friends WhatsApp But such ‘splinter groups’ are common.
It’s no secret that this messaging app is a source of anxiety for many of us. Much has been said and written about how stressful it is to open up your phone to an endless stream of messages and suddenly feel like you’re being ignored in a conversation between friends in a group chat.
Then there are read receipts (a feature to see if someone has read your message but not replied) and seeing on the screen when someone starts ‘typing’ and then stops, etc.
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But as my friend’s story illustrates, there is another side to all of this: paranoia. What if your friends have created another group without you? Is that why they stopped responding to your messages? Should you create your own separate group? Can you ask to join their group?
This psychological warfare is not unlike what we see in the popular BBC reality TV show ‘The Traitors’ where contestants fight against each other for a cash prize of up to £120,000. There are many secret ‘traitors’ and ‘loyalists’ who cannot be suspected.
In the series, we often see the contestants congregating in a lounge in a Scottish castle, where it is set. They whisper about one of their fellow competitors, then fall silent at the sudden arrival of someone. And the original it-crowd show or splinter group, like those real cloaked traitors, found in the dark of night in the castle corridors.
Ironically, while WhatsApp is probably the place where you excitedly chat with your friends about Da Traitor’s Show, it has also become a fortress full of loyalists and traitors, where who knows. Who will be kicked out next time? Or worse, if you’re already out and you don’t even know it yet?
Mike (pseudonym), 33, says: ‘The real action is in the splinter group. There is one member among us that many of us really don’t like and have held a grudge against for years, feeling that otherwise he might destroy the perfect harmony between us, so we have a There’s side chat, which is basically just dedicated to bugging everything he says. This is definitely a unique type of paranoia.
Mike adds: ‘We all live in constant fear of accidentally sending a message to main chat and I’d be delusional if I thought others would agree. I say.’
Noor Hebert, renowned celebrity mindset coach and author of the Sunday Times bestseller You Only Live Once, explains that ‘as humans, we are tribal creatures by nature. However, our tribes have changed in a big way and instead of moving around like cavemen, we now have tribes that are not physically in the same place like a WhatsApp group, but our minds are socially and physically connected. We cannot distinguish between these spaces, which means that the way we react to certain situations is often the same.’
Nor Hebert adds: ‘When we’re in any kind of group, the basic directive is to be safe at the initial level so that we’re connected. Because of this natural desire, even the slightest feeling of being rejected by the clan can cause great distress to some.’
29-year-old Clara (pseudonym), who was in a WhatsApp group with 15 people from her university, is facing a similar situation.
She recalls: ‘I found out that four girls had formed their own group, I thought I was close to them so I asked if I could join their group because over the years The discussion in the main group was over.’
He jokingly asked Clara to film a video clip ‘requesting’ her to join the group and outlined what she would say in it. According to Clara: ‘I did it all, thinking it was a bit of a joke, but still they didn’t put me in the group, I was humiliated.’
Some people are more affected than others and the way you react to being excluded, or actually excluding others, in a group chat can be more profound than you think.
According to Nor Hibbert: ‘This (effect) will happen to people who have experienced some form of rejection in their childhood and therefore this experience of not getting a response or being removed from a WhatsApp group, is a It can bring up the old unconscious story that we are not capable.’
It’s no secret that this messaging app is a source of anxiety for many of us. Much has been said and written about how stressful it is to open up your phone to an endless stream of messages and suddenly feel left out of a conversation between friends in a group chat.
He added: ‘When we experience this sensation, the sympathetic nervous system is activated and therefore we go into fight or flight mode, but when there is nothing to fight or flee from, then we You are experiencing a physical reaction of fear in your body and I believe that this is the quality we call anxiety.’
Then there is also the pressure to be ‘funny’ in some chats. Louis (pseudonym), 39, says: ‘I’ve always had problems with WhatsApp groups. They are amusing for a moment, but then the fun stops and I ask myself why my words ended the conversation. Why is that person being rude to me?
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been kicked out of a group and only an hour later messaged the admin of the group begging them to add me back into the group.’
Sometimes the consequences of not being funny are all too real. Louis added: ‘I’m in a group that’s all very intelligent and funny. I am mainly silent, reserved and very afraid to engage in conversation. Recently the same group formed a splinter cell, in which two people were removed for some new ones. One of my evicted friends asked me why the group had gone silent and I had to explain that another group had been created. He looked very sad.’
With that in mind, it might not be surprising that many of us have decided to ditch WhatsApp groups altogether in 2024. If you were on social media for the New Year, you may have seen a lot of ‘in’ and ‘out’ lists that people posted on Instagram about what they’re giving up in 2023 and what they’re taking with them in 2024. will be done. What was the most common thing on people’s ‘out’ lists? Yes, you guessed it right: WhatsApp groups.
However, not everyone will. Clearly some splinter groups still flourish. Why is it that there is a sense of enjoyment in fostering an environment in which you are valued, often at the expense of others? Isn’t that a cruel thought? Or we are just protecting ourselves.
In this November 6, 2020 photo, a man opens WhatsApp on his mobile phone in Mumbai (AFP)
Counselor Georgina Strummer says, ‘We all crave connection to feel a sense of approval and acceptance, but some people also seek connection to satisfy other unmet needs.’
Again this can be traced back to childhood deprivation. ‘If someone is struggling with their sense of self-esteem and self-worth, it can force them to seek out a different level of society.’
When they are kids in the playground at school, this will be done by picking people out, whispering and passing notes.
‘On WhatsApp this would apply to someone setting up a secret splinter group. It gives them a sense of control and of being in charge somehow. This may indicate that they are feeling out of control or insecure in other areas of their lives.’
So what can be done to remedy all this, if you find yourself lying awake late at night, anxiously wondering if everyone in your group secretly hates you? Georgina Strummer advises that the first thing you need to do is stay calm. According to him: ‘Remind yourself that you don’t have to stay in this prison and step into the real world.’
He added: ‘Group chats give us the opportunity to keep in touch with many people but they can also be tiring, frustrating and can make us feel stressed. Remind yourself to go out into the real world to feel connected.’
She says: ‘It can be helpful to set some limits on how much time you spend on your phone, as well as try to actively challenge your negative thoughts. Ask yourself: are they reasonable or unreasonable? Do they relate to this particular group of people in the present moment? Or are they connected to your own past and capable of friendship, relationship or trust regarding the challenges of the past?’
“If group motivations are overwhelming, try to focus on nurturing individual relationships,” he added. Don’t forget to reach out to individual friends and keep in touch with each other.’
‘It may offer you the reassurance you need to overcome your feelings of deprivation,’ she adds.
And if for whatever reason you are in a splinter group, try not to get caught up in it and whatever you do, don’t involve anyone else without everyone else’s consent.
According to Louis: ‘I’ve been told that the new splinter group I’m in is a horrible place, when someone tries to add someone new they’re kicked out straight away because they haven’t been vetted properly. had gone We were reminded that each person has a certain standard. I believe a new splinter group has already been formed.’
He sighed: ‘I miss the SMS era.’
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2024-08-14 18:35:54
