2023-10-07 05:22:46
It all started, as it often does, with a small lump in her left breast, discovered in the shower. It was in 2016. Véronique, who now lives in Marseille, had a healthy lifestyle, ate a balanced diet and played sports. “My doctor was very confident, we did an ultrasound, mammogram and biopsy”, she says.
The diagnosis finally falls: Véronique suffers from hormone-dependent breast cancer. At that time, separated from the father of her two children aged 10 and 16, she had been in a relationship with another man for two years. A pretty solid couple. The very evening the diagnosis was made, she announced it to her companion… And was amazed.
“After our respective work day, we meet once more and I tell him very simply and without suspecting what happens next. Immediately it closed. He told me ‘I don’t feel up to it’, ‘I won’t be able to manage’. That’s how I understood that he was going to leave me”, remembers Véronique. In less than a week, he disappears from her life.
Although many testimonies are emerging, this is a trajectory that is still difficult to quantify precisely. According to a study published in 2017 in the scientific journal Cancer on the effects of a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis on the couple, men and women are not in the same boat. In the case where the woman is ill, 20.8% of couples separate compared to 2.9% of couples when it is the man who declares a serious illness.
“The only man I saw stay”
A French study carried out in 2015 by the National Cancer Institute shows that changes in relationships are rather rare in the years following diagnosis. The vast majority of people questioned (70.2%) say they live as a couple with the same person as before the diagnosis. However, changes in relationships are more frequent among women than among men and among respondents in the 18-52 year old stratum compared to the oldest.
If the data therefore lacks details to fully refute or confirm the phenomenon, Séverine, a private nurse in Drôme for twenty years, noted among her patients, including many cancer patients, that “the illness highlights the couple’s fragilities. It plays on the place of these women in their relationship and everything they wear”she noticed.
“I remember a couple where the woman suffered from pancreatic cancer for years before dying. Her husband stayed until the end. He’s the only one I’ve seen stay and be involved as a real helper. I have seen many men stay following diagnosis but not be actively present during treatments.”
For Véronique, it is surprise that dominates the moment she confronts her companion. Nothing might have prepared her for her decision to leave. “I think I didn’t react, it was like a protective mechanism. I don’t have time to linger, I have my children and the operation is planned very soon followingwards. I had too many things on my mind. I said to myself, ‘too bad’. My priority is me and my children. I can’t afford to waste energy.”
The breakup materializes in a few days as Véronique begins to embark on her treatment journey. She then prepares to go to her first appointment with her oncologist. It’s ultimately another man in her life who will reach out to her at this key moment.”One of my very close friends, Cédric, told me ‘it’s impossible for you to do it alone, I’m coming with you’.“
“And fortunately, because it was an appointment where the doctor explained a lot of things to me. At one point, I stopped listening, I was in shock, I became aware of the illness.” Her friend takes over, he takes notes of all the elements provided by the specialist so that she can then reread them at her leisure. “Throughout my illness, he and his wife remained present, they checked on me.“
It was only later that she returned to the breakup. “After the treatments, the following year, I thought regarding it once more. It raised questions regarding image, regarding self-esteem.” Today, seven years later, Véronique, who has since launched her brand, Girls on the loosea brand of clothing adapted to the side effects of breast cancer treatments, has never heard from this man.
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