2023-11-07 12:00:14
The recent appearance of one of the chosen 33 upper Tennessee General Assembly legislators before the non-political “Big Elephant Club,” wherein they addressed the non-controversial subject of the Volunteer State’s “third grade retention” law and challenged Hamilton County schools to “lead the state in literacy.” (Defined as the “ability to read, write, speak, and listen in a way that lets us communicate effectively and makes sense to the world” is refreshing but sad?)
That sounds pretty easy but when you throw in other topics to the mix things get more complicated with the revelation that in May 2023 “23% of Hamilton County students faced repeating third grade as determined by test scores on the Tennessee Learning Loss Remediation and Student Acceleration Act (TLLRSAA)”.
Tenn. Code Ann 49-6-1503 etc. Enacted in 2021 required the Tennessee Department of Education (TDE) to “establish and administer a learning loss remediation and student acceleration program and set requirements for the program to accelerate learning in the wake of Covid-19 related disruptions to learning.” (Interpretation: China is the reason why Johnny, Jane, etc. can’t read the funnies, spell their name, or count to ten!)
Obviously the issues and solutions and the late Lewis Grizzard (LG) found a need to add a fourth category of educational failure by the kiddie corps—Geography!
In “Chili Dawgs Bark at Night” (1989- Villard Books) the late spinner of tall tales (and often the truth) offers his version of the four necessary criteria for prep school (and public) students to advance to the 4th grade on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc. attempt:
1) Reading- Can you find the 50 state capitols in the USA on a map? (globe also accepted);
2) Writing- Can you correctly write the names of the capitols? (Hint: S-D and Walden ain’t right.);
3) Arithmetic- if employed in the violation of the child labor laws, can you correctly make the proper amount of change if you accept a $10.00 bill (Not Benjamin Franklin face) for a $9.39 latte drink at any fashionable coffee shop in Birchwood;
4) Geography- If you can correctly name the ruling state wide townships from LG’s selective list then progress is being made in spite of the ongoing allegations that there are too many Administrators at the beautiful palatial place on Hickory Valley Road and not enough combat ready teachers in grades 1-4 county wide.
Here is LG’s fool proof four part test that can get you admitted to Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Vandy, etc. if you can achieve at least 30% correct answers and receive a full scholarship:
1. “The capitol of Florida? You thought it was Orlando? It probably would make sense to have the capitol of Florida in Orlando, but it’s in Tallahassee;
2. The capitol of Illinois? Chicago makes sense, but it’s Springfield;
3. California? No, it’s Sacramento. The paper there is called the Bee;
4. Washington? Not the one on the Potomac, the one where apples come from. Olympia. It’s also the name of the local beer;
5. Oregon? Salem;
6. Kentucky? Frankfort, and they don’t hold the Derby there;
7. South Dakota? Pierre. I once met a man from Pierre, South Dakota. He said he bowled a lot to pass the time;
8. North Dakota? Bismarck;
9. Montana? I have an ex-wife who lives there. I got ex-wives living everywhere. Helena is the capitol of Montana;
10. Nevada? They don’t have time for much of the state’s business in Las Vegas. The capitol is Carson City;
11. New York? You really didn’t say New York City, did you? How embarrassing. It’s Albany, where Mario Cuomo lives;
12. Four American state capitols begin with the same letter as their state. Can you name them?
Was your first answer Philadelphia, Pennsylvania? Harrisburg is the capital of Pennsylvania, dummy. The correct answers are: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma; Indianapolis, Indiana; Dover, Delaware; and Honolulu Hawaii. As far as Missouri is concerned, if you don’t know the state capitol, it’s your duty as an American to go somewhere and find out.”
(P.S.- If you didn’t cheat and sneaked a peak to the answers and can correctly name the other 35 state capitols—oops, 36— remember I went to a demolished public high school, an ultra-conservative mountaintop university, and a 15 out of 16 year football team loser to Bama law school—then you may additionally receive an athletic scholarship to “Neon Dions” football institution in Colorado as a fourth string kicker and receive a guaranteed $5M award for using your name and image in a commercial!)
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You can reach Jerry Summers at [email protected]
Jerry Summers
1699386055
#Grizzard #Education
