A few months ago, a 25-year-old music programmer had vaginal sex for the first time. It was a one night stand and both had a drink. “I think she noticed that I haven’t had sex before,” he says, laughing. Technically, he said, it was sex, but emotionally it wasn’t real yet. “When I fell asleep next to her, the sex was over. I think she was quite annoyed.”
The music programmer had the feeling that his younger years full of freedom and parties were passing by without fully enjoying them and that is why he thought it was time to lose his virginity. He doesn’t know if he regrets it. “I just had to start somewhere to gain experience.” Due to problems with anxiety and depression, he had not started having sex before. His struggles made him afraid and unsure of connecting.
Sexual experience Importance of sharing experiences
NRC spoke to seven young people about sexuality and the first time they had vaginal sex. All seven had vaginal sex for the first time after the age of eighteen, some had had other sexual experiences before. This includes French kissing, oral and manual sex. The young people do not want to be mentioned by name, but they do think it is important to share their story in the interest of more representation.
Young people are starting to have vaginal (cock-in-vagina) sex later and later. By the age of almost 19, half of Dutch young people have had vaginal sex. In 2017 that was 18 years old. Young people are also starting to practice French kissing, oral sex and jerking off and fingering later. This is evident from the research Sex under 25 from 2023, which was published in February by Rutgers and Soa Aids Nederland. These knowledge and expertise centers, together with the RIVM and CBS, periodically conduct research into the sex lives of young people, aged thirteen to twenty-five.
Making the right choice
A 28-year-old journalist, who lost her virginity at the age of 20, doesn’t care that friends called her “prudish.” “I consciously waited until the boy I was in love with became more mature and then I had a very nice first time.”
The journalist is surprised that young people are starting to have sex later and later, because teenagers look more mature on social media and are much more outspoken about sex. “For example, recently on the train I heard a number of teenage girls talking incredibly rudely and loudly about who they had fucked.” Misleading, she thinks. “Maybe they pretend to be sexually competent to fit in, while social media actually makes them more afraid of sex?”
The research does not provide any explanations as to why young people are starting to have sex later and later. Sex means vaginal sex, anal sex, manual sex (fingering and jerking off) and oral sex. The young people between the ages of thirteen and twenty-five who had no experience yet could choose from a number of options for the reason for this. More than half of the boys said they had not had sex yet because it simply had not happened yet. Most girls said they thought they were still too young.
“I had a childish feeling for a long time when I was a teenager,” says a 21-year-old theater student. She was a bit afraid of naked bodies and she thought penises were strange. “I had my first boyfriend when I was 16 and he forced me to take off my bra.” The feeling of coercion deterred her, causing her to continue to postpone sexual experiences.
Two years later she got into a new relationship and had vaginal sex with that boyfriend for the first time when she was eighteen. “I had to cry from the pain.” It turned out that her vaginismus (where the muscles around the vagina tighten involuntarily), which she knew about, caused a more intense reaction than expected. The relationship ended and she has not had penetrative sex since. Now she is in therapy for vaginismus and has a “very patient” boyfriend.
Living in an online world
There is no consistent explanation for a later sexual onset in young people. This is evident from the research They know what to type, but not what to saypublished by Rutgers in 2018. In that year, research was conducted into explanations for a later sexual start and the shift compared to 2017 – in that year the young people were 18 years old and in 2012 17 years old at the time of first sex.
“Every individual gains sexual experiences step by step in their own way,” says Marianne Cense, author of the study and senior researcher at Rutgers. For the research, Cense spoke to young people about the shift and together they looked for an explanation. “The three most important reasons that were often mentioned are that they are influenced by social media, experience pressure to perform and that nightlife is delayed due to the increased alcohol limit.”
According to Hanne de Graaf, also a researcher at Rutgers and author of the reports Sex under 25these explanations could also apply to the shift in 2023. “The corona pandemic may also have played a role, because it made it even more difficult for young people to make contact,” she says.
I saw how they were devastated because they were bullied about their sex life
27-year-old social worker about former classmates’ experiences with sex
A 27-year-old social worker, who had sex for the first time at the age of 19, says the rise of smartphones has meant that teenagers’ sex lives are no longer so private. “In first grade, it was common for almost all of my friends to lose their virginity at the age of 12 or 13,” she says. A year later, almost everyone had a blackberry and nude photos and nude videos of her sexually active classmates were sent. “I saw how they were devastated because they were bullied about their sex life.”
As a teenager, the social worker herself was also bullied because she was still a virgin and was called a ‘lesbian’. “I cried a lot about it and to fit in I would French kiss with Jan and everyone in the village at parties.” But she wanted to experience her first time having sex with a loved one. At the age of nineteen she had her first boyfriend, with whom she had vaginal sex for the first time. “In the two years that I was in a relationship with him, I didn’t tell him that I had never had sex before because I was ashamed of it.”
Insecurity
The young people who NRC Just like the young people Cense talked to, they were surprised by the shift and found it difficult to explain it. They often thought that young people started having sex earlier thanks to social media. They do recognize the suggestion that the intensive contact that young people have with each other on social media and the sharing of photos and videos could be related to the shift.
Young people are increasingly meeting each other online. “For example, this makes them uncomfortable to make physical contact with others, because they communicate more easily online, with smileys,” says Cense. Young people are also afraid that if they are sexually active, it will be spread through social media and them exposed become, as it is called. That could lead to bullying, gossip and reputational damage.
It becomes a problem if young people no longer dare to approach each other because they are too afraid to make a fuss
In addition, young people compare their bodies with sexy photos they see on social media, which can make them insecure. “Influencers are of course not a representation of the real world,” says Cense. The research also shows that there is a double sexual standard on social media, which has a negative effect on young people. For example, boys are judged if they are too reserved with sex and girls if they behave too freely.
According to Cense, it is not in itself a problem that young people become sexually active later. “It does become a problem if young people no longer dare to approach each other because they are too afraid to get in trouble. Or if they lack the confidence to take that path.”
Half of the 25-year-old music programmer’s group of friends lost their virginity around the age of fourteen or fifteen, while the other half is still a virgin. “They are one of those boys who only sit behind the computer and have experience with jerking off.”
Since the one-night stand, the music programmer has not had penetrative sex anymore, because he wants to do it with someone special. “I am now dating women and men and am having more and more pleasant sexual experiences.”
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Well, well, well! It seems like we’ve dived into the murky waters of young adulthood and its first awkward encounters with the world of sex. Don’t worry, everyone—this isn’t a dramatic reading from my diary, but it will have you chuckling, cringing, and perhaps throwing in a bit of sympathy for our dear ‘music programmer’!
Imagine this: a 25-year-old, let’s call him "Mr. Awkward," finally takes the plunge into the realms of vaginal sex instead of sticking to the safe, sterile world of programming codes. Now, he casually mentions that after that one-night stand, everything went downhill once he fell asleep. I mean, isn’t that the ultimate twist? You go from being ‘the man of the hour’ to ‘the snooze machine’ in just a few hours. Talk about a plot twist!
To be honest, it feels like he should start a support group for other guys who’ve been “emotionally unprepared” but tactically ready! I imagine their meetings: “Hi, I’m Jimmy, and I once fell asleep right after exerting too much energy… on a sofa!”
And here we have some delightful statistics—young folks are increasingly waiting longer to get it on. At nearly 19 and still a virgin? Sounds like someone’s still praying to the gods of Netflix and chill! But the reality is that these youngsters are grappling with social pressures that seem to have evolved faster than any smartphone. It’s like the sex lives of teenagers are now more public than the latest TikTok dance challenge—or is it just a new form of bullying? “You haven’t had sex yet? How quaint!” Oh, the judgment!
Now, one journalist shares her secret of waiting until she found a "mature" partner. I guess that’s one way to define maturity—holding a glass of wine without spilling it while using Tinder. It raises an eyebrow, especially with the observation that teens, while seeming more open about sex online, might just be faking it as they scroll through perfectly curated lives on Instagram. You know what they say: "Fake it ‘til you make it." But are they really making it, or just causing a world of anxiety?
And then we have the delightful Vaginismus situation—who thought sex could become a horror movie plot? “I went for a thrilling first time… and cried instead.” At least she’s gone into therapy. That’s mature growth right there. Therapy is where you learn that sex isn’t a race; it’s a marathon—not a sprint to the bathroom with someone you hardly know!
Let’s not forget the impact of social media on these young lovebirds. It’s the digital age, where sharing a nude pic might as well be a polite introduction. “Nice to meet you, here’s my bare skin—let’s discuss the weather!” It’s no wonder kids might feel insecure, comparing themselves to influencer bods that look more like K-Pop stars than reality. Double standards abound: boys are judged for being too ‘wham bam, thank you ma’am’ while girls are told to tighten up those morals. Sounds like social media was invented by someone who just wanted to watch the world burn!
And there’s the cherry on top—the ultimate fear of ‘the exposure.’ “Oh no, if I engage in a bit of intimacy, who will leak it to the world?” Can you imagine? “Hey Mum, can you share my sex life on Facebook? It’s a real page-turner!”
In conclusion, let’s applaud those young folks who have found their groove at their own pace. Whether they’re late to the party or just enjoying a quieter corner, it’s all about comfort. And as our music programmer went on to date both men and women afterward, perhaps he’s come to realize there’s more to life than just one bed and an awkward nap.
As we navigate these treacherous waters, remember: Sex education isn’t just about the act; it’s about understanding yourself, setting boundaries, and knowing that sometimes, sex isn’t an obligation—it’s an experience to be shared. And if all else fails, grab a drink and laugh at the absurdity of it all!
First time and ended up crying from the pain!” is not exactly the romantic fairy tale many might hope for. It’s a stark reminder that not only are there emotional hurdles in the journey of discovering one’s sexuality, but also physical ones that warrant understanding and patience.
As we dive deeper into the experience of young adults navigating their sexual identities, it’s fascinating to see how the online world shapes their perceptions. Marianne Cense’s insights shed light on a generation that is hyper-connected yet paradoxically distant when it comes to real-life interactions. The anxiety around making the first move becomes amplified in a world where every misstep might be captured on a smartphone and shared with an audience—talk about performance pressure!
The contrast between digital intimacy and physical connection creates a thick tension. Young people, according to the narrative, increasingly rely on their screens for communication, where emojis and tweets substitute for face-to-face interactions. It’s no wonder that when the time comes to connect physically, many feel out of practice or overwhelmed.
Moreover, the scary specter of social media judgment looms large. One wrong move could lead to gossip that spreads faster than a viral TikTok trend. With body image issues exacerbated by endless scrolling through airbrushed influencers, it’s hardly surprising that self-esteem takes a hit, creating further hesitations about pursuing intimate relationships.
As we navigate this labyrinth of youthful sexuality, it’s evident that societal pressures play a significant role. The pressures, stigmas, and expectations surrounding the need to ‘fit in’ and the timing of losing one’s virginity often lead to feelings of shame and insecurity—especially for those who choose a different path or timeline.
Ultimately, it seems there’s no right answer when it comes to sex and relationships, just an evolving script where each whisper of doubt, each awkward first date, and each shared laugh over the internet contributes to a broader understanding of what it means to connect with others in an ever-complex world.
As we tiptoe into adulthood, we can only hope that each generation learns to embrace their individuality, fostering a culture where the awkwardness, the laughter, and the narratives of open dialogue about sexuality lead to healthier and more satisfying relationships—whatever that looks like for them!
