2023-10-28 01:21:00
People we have lost through death will forever remain an important part of our history. They have helped shape our identity, left deep traces in us and live on in our memories. These can arise from external and internal events – through images, certain songs, places, smells, objects, through feelings, physical sensations, thoughts, dreams or ideas.
Remembering has many facets, many sides. It can be painful, comforting or disturbing. “There are people who give away everything immediately following someone’s death and throw away the things that remind them of the deceased. Others leave everything the same for years – they even keep all of their clothing. That’s very individual,” says Ulla Gschwandtner from Pasching, who lost her 14-month-old daughter Emilia seven years ago, now works as a bereavement counselor and has experienced the process of mourning first-hand in all phases.
“In the beginning, it was absolutely not possible for us to change the living space. Only gradually did we donate Emilia’s clothes, at some point we put our favorite memorabilia into two boxes and set up a memorial place with a photo,” she says. But this place might also change once more – over time.
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“Tasks in Mourning”
“Many survivors need a very long time before they can watch films in which the deceased can be seen. Then you hear their voice once more, see their typical movements, their gestures – that can be a great emotional challenge,” says Ulla Gschwandtner , which doesn’t want to talk regarding phases of grief, but rather regarding “tasks in grief” that you can actively deal with. This can reduce feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
Grief and its duration vary greatly: people often feel nothing at all in the first year because they manage to suppress the grief. In the first weeks and months following the death, they would throw themselves into work or do excessive exercise.
“For such people, the overwhelming grief only sets in later – but it comes,” says Gschwandtner, who also knows people who block their grief away for the rest of their lives and don’t let it happen at all. “They usually have other problems and rarely attribute these to the suppressed feelings.”
As a grief counselor, Ulla Gschwandtner repeatedly experiences those affected who leave the deceased’s room untouched. “A mother who lost her son in an accident at the age of 18 mightn’t even put away the dirty laundry that was still on the bed.”
A part of life
The feeling of sadness is not only noticeable when there is death. “Grief also occurs following separations, divorces, and loss of health. It’s important to talk regarding it and – if necessary – get professional help.” After a certain amount of time, even close friends and relatives often no longer want to know anything regarding the loss that moves you so much and casts a big shadow over your own life. “It’s important to know that grief doesn’t go away, but rather becomes part of life and at some point you can integrate it well – as something that is simply part of your life.”
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