2024-02-14 04:59:55
For this specialist in the marital bond, the decline in the number of couples and the drop in sexual activity testify to a healthy requirement between partners, who still favor life together, but no longer hesitate to be respected.
If Cupid reads the French press, he undoubtedly broke out in a cold sweat upon discovering the portrait of society painted in recent weeks. Various surveys have, in turn, highlighted the progression of solitude, the “unprecedented decline in sexual activity” and the fall in the birth rate in the country. This Valentine’s Day, are we witnessing a crisis of love? Are couples on the verge of extinction?
On the occasion of Lovers’ Day, Wednesday February 14, Christophe Giraud, professor of sociology at Paris-Cité University, calls for us to keep a cool head. Author of the book Realistic love. The new romantic experience of young women (Colin, 2017), this specialist in the marital bond analyzes for franceinfo the upheavals of the couple, for the worse and (often) for the better.
Valentine’s Day, very candy pink, sometimes has a cheesy connotation. Is life as a couple still desired by the French?
Christophe Giraud: Yes. The heterosexual or homosexual couple is a form of model and ideal, at all ages. From middle school, we begin to define ourselves as being in a relationship or single. This quickly becomes an important dimension of identity, as my colleague Isabelle Clair has shown. Among the oldest, we observe people who might have considered themselves outside of the marriage market 50 years ago and who now continue to look for partners.
“The ideal of the couple holds strong and even gains ground at both ends of life.”
Christophe Giraud, sociologist
at franceinfo
Is this ideal of the couple imposed on us by society, like a social obligation?
For young people, there is a lot of pressure to be in a relationship quite early. This gives a form of legitimacy: we feel grown up, a little adult… But once we have been in a relationship, the obligation to get back together is less strong than before. We see this in particular in the development of single-parent families: celibacy is not an ideal, but it is no longer something shameful, unlike the 20th century, when people who had never been married were described as “old maid” or “old boy”. In this sense, the couple is no longer a strong social norm.
According to INSEE, the proportion of adults in couples is tending to decline. How do you interpret this decline, which promises to be lasting, according to projections?
Previously, individuals were married early and remained so throughout their lives, without the question of separation. Divorce became easier and marriage lost its strength. Today, we often have several couple stories in our lives. Mechanically, between two relationships, we have moments of celibacy, periods of living alone which are reflected in the statistics.
This decline could be interpreted as a couple crisis. It’s true: the couple has become fragile, with a significant increase in separations over the last 30 years. This lifestyle remains attractive, but difficult to achieve, which can generate dissatisfaction. The couple sometimes becomes an unattainable ideal, which will encourage people to move away from it.
However, I would rather defend another vision: the couple has become more demanding. We expect a relationship to be of quality and for each person to do a minimum of work for the other, which is not always the case.
“Rather than staying with someone we no longer love, who is abusive or toxic, we leave more easily.”
Christophe Giraud
at franceinfo
This development primarily concerns women. Accessing paid employment allows them to have an income of their own, an important condition for being able to think about a separation. Women have gained power in their relationships, even if they remain victims of inequality in terms of income or domestic involvement. In fact, they express more dissatisfaction and are the vast majority initiating separations.
Are these more frequent separations a reflection of a surge in individualism?
If we reduce individualism to individual interest, nothing is less certain. Personal interest is sometimes to stay in a relationship. Some men who are tempted to look elsewhere may give it up for material reasons: they do not want to start over with half as much wealth, because the assets have to be divided at the time of divorce. On the other hand, we can actually see separations as a form of individualism, in the sense of a demand for individual respect. The individual no longer wants to be crushed by the other and feels justified in leaving. This affirmation of the individual is increasingly strong, even if there are still forms of personal sacrifice, for example when we remain in a relationship for the children.
Is the increase in breakups a disavowal of the couple?
Certainly not. After a breakup, it is true that we go through a lonely period, where we try to regain control over our life. This time for self-reflection has a rather positive connotation. Getting back together too quickly can even be viewed negatively, because it sends the message that the previous relationship didn’t matter. But, in sociological surveys, we see that celibacy is often only a transitional period, before finding a partner and becoming a couple again.
“The couple remains a positive horizon.”
Christophe Giraud
at franceinfo
All this does not prevent us from reinventing relationships, which are sometimes barely visible in public statistics. We are witnessing the emergence of couples who each live in their own home. They develop a loving, exclusive, stable relationship, just like a classic couple, but without a common home. In the eyes of the census, these people are considered to live alone, even though they still have stable romantic relationships.
Is marriage paying the price for these changes?
Despite a downward trend, almost three-quarters of couples are married today. Marriage resists, but changes direction. In the 1950s, it was the essential gateway to having a legitimate private life. This ritual served to settle the couple, who were offered objects so that they could function on a daily basis. Today, we no longer know what to buy for the bride and groom, because the couple is often already settled, a home, children… The wedding has become the icing on the cake, the crowning of a long marital construction. It is also a form of romantic commitment, more than the loan that one may have taken out for the house. With age, this can also be a form of protection for the spouse and transmission of assets.
A survey recently highlighted a decline in French sexuality, especially among young people. Can we see a link with the decline in married life?
No, they are two different registers. It’s not because we live less as a couple that we necessarily have less sex. Among young people, for more than 20 years we have been witnessing the development of “light” relationships, distinct from the classic marital register. Dating apps allow relationships focused on sexual pleasure, without the prospect of becoming a couple. This register of “leisure sexuality” has become legitimate, for both men and women. You can live alone and have a very developed sex life.
In couples, the reduction of sexuality can be interpreted as a form of liberation. We no longer force ourselves to have relationships if we don’t want them. We could make fun of people who watch series rather than make love. However, it is rather positive: it is also a way of sharing a common moment and becoming a couple.
“Netflix has reduced the sexuality of the French, so what? Is this really a problem?”
Christophe Giraud
at franceinfo
I believe that we overestimate the place of sexuality in conjugality. Besides, there may be less sex, but better sex. Ultimately, this decline is only negative for those who want to “rearmament” the country and who imagine that this reduces the chances of having children.
And love in all this ? How is it evolving?
While surveying female students, I observed an affirmation of “realistic love.” After the first romantic breakups, young people question a large part of their imagination about the fused and eternal couple. They question love, romance, the process of forming a couple… They open up to other relational registers. “Sexual dates”, for example, allow you to affirm that you own your body, that you can have sexuality without the control of a partner and that, when you say stop, it’s over.
Young women are then ready to relaunch stable and exclusive stories, but not in the same terms. Life as a couple has become an ideal subject to conditions. We take our time, in a form of equality, and we protect ourselves against a possible separation. The romantic ideal remains present, but with a more realistic character.
“No more Disney romanticism, make way for concrete proof of investment in the couple.”
Christophe Giraud
at franceinfo
I find the same type of attitudes in my work with those over 50, who are just as cautious. Not sharing accommodation is a form of protection. If we are together, it is not out of idealism, but because we have proof that we are mutually in love. This model requires more work from everyone, otherwise it stops. The couple is a fragile work.
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