The Allure and Danger of Backburner Relationships
It’s more than just a casual crush or a fleeting thought; backburner relationships involve a level of engagement that blurs the lines between fantasy and reality. These covert connections, marked by periodic communication, can be surprisingly compelling despite their clandestine nature. While they might seem harmless on the surface, experts warn that backburner relationships can have profound implications for our primary commitments and our emotional well-being.
The Evolutionary Roots of Keeping Options Open
From an evolutionary standpoint, maintaining multiple potential partners makes sense. By keeping a “backup” option ready, our ancestors increased their chances of successful reproduction. In the modern world, this instinct translates into a desire for security and backup plans, often manifested in discreet flirtations with people we find intriguing. A quick “like” on social media or a casual “wanna grab coffee?” message can be enough to maintain this emotional buffer.
Cushioning: A Premeditated Version of Rebounding
Renowned marriage and family therapist Elisabeth LaMotte likens this behavior to a “pre-meditated version of rebounding.” Cushioning, she explains, often reflects an inability to be alone and a reliance on romantic relationships for emotional stability. The backburner individual often fulfills a need that feels absent in the primary relationship — a sense of excitement, stability, or even validation.
“With cushioning, you’re usually cultivating a secret flirtation with someone who represents an exaggerated rebellion against challenges in one’s current relationship,” LaMotte explains. “For example, someone who is dating a successful but anxious partner might cushion with a relaxed partner who is unable to keep a job.
“But cushioning denies both parties a chance to see if the anxiousness (or any other challenges) might be lessened through communication and effort with our primary partners.”
The Illusion of Greener Pastures
The problem with backburner relationships is that they encourage us to focus on the perceived flaws in our current situations instead of addressing them directly. We romanticize the possibilities with the backburner person, imagining a relationship free from the challenges we face in our primary partnerships. This creates a deceptive narrative that can sabotage the very connections we aim to safeguard.
Ultimately, the grass is rarely greener on the other side. When pursued, backburner relationships often prove to be as complex and messy as any other romantic entanglement. The same issues that plagued the primary relationship, such as miscommunication, differing values, and emotional incompatibility, can surface with the backburner person—throwing even more confusion and heartache into the mix.
What are the potential emotional consequences of maintaining backburner relationships?
## Segment Title: The Allure and Danger of Backburner Relationships
**(Intro Music)**
**Host:** Welcome back to the show. Today, we’re diving into the complex world of relationships and exploring a phenomenon that’s becoming increasingly common: backburner relationships. Joining us to shed light on this topic is Dr. Sarah Miller, a relationship expert with over 15 years of experience. Welcome, Dr. Miller.
**Dr. Miller:** Thanks for having me.
**Host:** So, Dr. Miller, can you explain what exactly a backburner relationship is? It sounds intriguing, and maybe a little bit secretive.
**Dr. Miller:** It certainly can be. Essentially, a backburner relationship is a connection you maintain with someone, often outside of your primary relationship, as a sort of safety net or backup plan. It involves periodic communication – maybe a text message here, a social media interaction there – enough to keep the connection alive without crossing any clear lines.
**Host:** Sounds a bit like keeping someone on the back burner in case things don’t work out with your current partner. Is that accurate?
**Dr. Miller:** That’s one way to put it. There’s a sense of keeping options open. From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense. Our ancestors wanted to ensure reproductive success, so having backup options was beneficial.
While our world has changed significantly, that primal instinct for security can still manifest in modern-day backburner relationships. We might use them as a form of cushioning against potential loneliness or relationship insecurity. [[1](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/deal-with-a-backburner-relationship/)]
**Host:** And, as you pointed out, this can be particularly appealing in today’s digital age, where maintaining connections is so easy. But are there any dangers associated with backburner relationships?
**Dr. Miller:** Absolutely. While seemingly harmless, they can have significant consequences for our primary relationships and our emotional well-being. Keeping secrets and dividing your emotional energy can erode trust and intimacy with your core partner. It can also lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety.
**(Host leans forward, intrigued.)**
**Host:** So, what advice would you give to someone who suspects they might be caught in a backburner relationship, either on the giving or receiving end?
**(Dr. Miller provides advice on recognizing, addressing, and ultimately navigating these situations, emphasizing the importance of communication, honesty, and prioritizing one’s primary relationship.)**
**Host:** Some very insightful points, Dr. Miller. Thank you for joining us and shedding light on this fascinating, albeit complex, aspect of modern relationships.
**(Outro Music)**