Should I sleep the first night?

2015-05-22 16:00:00

What problem does this maxim answer? To the fear of suffering at the end of this sleepover (fear of not being called back, of feeling bad, of being disappointed, etc.). It’s all about yourself, protecting yourself. Should we sleep the first night or not? We discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this practice.

Take time to get to know each other

The idea, not very bright but terribly effective, is that by refusing the first evening, we leave room for discovery of the other by oneself and to that of oneself by the other. If we wait, we also measure the motivation of the other : the faster you give yourself, the less the desire is felt.

Yes, but that’s the problem, we don’t want to make sex another place of examination, to have to do bows and manners where, on the contrary, we should be able to let go and surrenderr.

A rule that applies especially to women

Two more reasons suggesting that this phrase “Never on the first night” is a scam:

Better to count a little more than one evening to get to know someone. Never would the first three weeks or months be more valuable from this point of view. Besides, there are people like you (I’m sure) and me, whose analysis is fine enough to get a good idea of a person in a few hours.,
The maxim only applies to women! As Nicolas Journet explains in his formidable article on the turbulent history of female pleasure, “the woman is bombarded with the guardian of family virtues, the man in permanent heat is generally excused from wandering sexually”.

IS FEMALE SEXUALITY STILL TABOOUS?

Why don’t we resist?

There’s the theory, but life you know what it is, right? In practice, we find it absolutely imbecile to submit to such a simplistic logicyou don’t want to be a slave to principles, especially if they seem obsolete.

And then, the body races, the hormones activate, Mother Nature is launched. Personally, I respect this universal progenitor too much to antagonize her. Moreover, when the brain (the hippocampus more precisely) does not imagine a long-term reward, it capitalizes on immediate gratification : carpe diem.

For all these good reasons, we say to ourselves: to hell with grandmother’s principles, I make love my way!

Basically, we just hope to find someone smart enough to understand that a woman who sleeps on the first night is no more guilty or vile than a man who does the same. Perhaps this is precisely a skimming strategy: only those who have gone beyond these archaic ideas will remain.

what men think

We asked an XY chromosome individual what he thinks about it. In this case to Alexandre Roth, coach in seduction and makeover for these gentlemen. No jargon with him: he gives us his sincere opinion and practical advice.

“We could talk about it for hours. There are so many factors to take into account… A man will want to have sex as soon as possible, 90% will accept when they have an opportunity. Afterwards, to know if it’s for the relational with projection or the purely sexual type of one-night stand? The real formula is not so much to fold as to give in the first time: many men will judge whether a girl can be the potential mother of their children or official girlfriend by whether she gives in quickly or not. »

So, it’s completely has-been, redneck, zero, but it’s true: sleeping on the first night is taking the risk of missing out on a love story?

“It’s not fair because we realize that it means nothing. The fact of sleeping or not the first evening is not an indicator of anything! But it is a fundamental prejudice at the beginning. Over time, if other evenings follow and things go well, the man forgets this judgment and he becomes aware of the nonsense: there is a good feelingI like it, the rest is literature…

So, yes, it’s taking this risk, but it doesn’t automatically doom the relationship to this one evening, it depends on a lot of parameters once again. In fact, today, in 2015, it’s customary, a woman is responsible for her sexuality and she can sleep with a complete stranger on the first night if she wants to. Let’s say it just has to be ‘smart’: no one is obliged to know what’s going on and it can be quite exciting, this feeling of going mad in secret. What I find abnormal is that a man who does this is seen as a hero, while a woman is considered frivolous at best.. »

In video: “The one-night stand, is it a good idea?”

What women think

As all this is, you will agree, very heteronormative, I asked my friend Daisy Le Corre, of lesbian obedience, for her opinion. She first answered me with humor that you had to be careful that the girl didn’t ask you to move in with you the next day.

“More generally, she told me, in the lesbian world as elsewhere, sleeping the first night on a regular basis necessarily forges a reputation that varies from “Don Juanne” to big whore… in short, as everywhere, the essential thing is to assume one’s fornications. But if you quickly watch The L Word (the series which depicts the romantic and sexual relationships of pretty young ladies with each other), you will see that in general, the lesbian who sleeps at all costs is really popular and causes a sensation. .”

What you must remember

We ask the right questions: am I able to take it? even if I have no news afterwards? is this person worth the (good) shot?
Discretion is exercised: as Alexandre Roth notes, this rule is variable: we take more risks with someone who is part of our social circle, we are wary of gossip… But if he is on the other side of the world, that less of a problem! That’s also the important thing: to do with whom we have in front.
Put on a condom: because the only real risk to take into account is that of STIs.