Dear Amy,
My brother and I have always had a tenuous relationship. Our father was abusive, but we are both in midlife and have led fairly successful and stable lives. I often have to walk on eggshells when speaking with my brother because he always seems to read what I’m saying or doing as an attack.
Last New Year’s Eve, I was attending a get-together with friends and he called to video chat. I sent a quick text saying that I was with friends and that we’d talk later. He texted, saying that he was disappointed because he had told his kids they might talk with their uncle (me), and that I seem to have chosen my friends over my nephews.
He did add that maybe he should have “given me a heads up,” but he felt the need to share how I disappointed not only him but my nephews. I did not know how to respond and waited for three weeks to text him back and then only to wish him a good day on the anniversary of our late-mother’s birthday. It has been three weeks and he has not responded. We’re not in touch very often, but I feel like I’m being punished.
My question is, what should I do now? Should I keep trying to reach out? I’m sure that whatever I do will be wrong.
Stuck: The perpetual dance of disappointment between you and your brother is a result of growing up with an abusive parent. Your relationship is unstable, in part because you were both trained from childhood to remain on high alert. Children in abusive households can never really relax and allow themselves to make mistakes, to have their mistakes forgiven, and to just — be natural. Yes, the ground is paved with eggshells. This tension and instability defines your relationship now.
But there is an advantage to always feeling like you’re doing the wrong thing. This liberates you from having to second guess your every decision, because no matter what you do or say — it’s going to seem wrong. So — do it anyway.
You don’t need to “respond” to your brother to keep in touch with him. Just text him! Say, “Hey, I was thinking regarding you today and I’m wondering how you and the kids are doing. I’d really like to set up a FaceTime session with them. Any chance we can do this sometime soon?”
I’m suggesting that you just clomp your way across those eggshells and do your best to simply be yourself. Your unflappable efforts might inspire your brother to finally relax and do the same.
Dear Amy:
My husband and I don’t have children. My sister is a single mom and she has always been strict with her children. She has a rule for her kids that when they turn 18, they either pay rent or move out. Her daughter turned 18, didn’t find her footing and wasn’t working, and so my sister kicked her out. She asked to live with us and we agreed.
She is doing great at our house; she is attending a local community college and is working part-time. We like having her here. We are not charging rent and are encouraging her to save her money. My sister is furious with us for undermining her rules for her children. I’m not sure how to respond.
Aunt: Your sister’s rule was to either pay rent at home or move out. Her daughter moved out. Your sister’s basic attitude is that when her kids turn 18, they must take responsibility for their lives. As far as I can tell, this is exactly what your niece has done. I applaud your choice to offer housing and support while she continues to mature.
I suggest that you dodge your sister’s fury by emphasizing that her daughter is doing well. In your sister’s home, she makes the rules, and in your home, you do.
Dear Amy:
“Sensitive Stepmother” wrote that her stepdaughter’s mentally unstable mother, who had no contact for several years, had reached out to the stepmom privately, asking for her to arrange contact with the girls. Thank you for responding with a “hard no” to this!
My mother (similar story) found ways to draw other people into her drama to get to us. We were afraid of her and really needed the adults around us to protect us, not open the door.
Grown: Thank you for affirming my instincts regarding this.
