Deltra James, 38, with her five daughters in Waterbury, Conn. Diagnosed with Stage 4 triple-negative metastatic breast cancer at 33, James has navigated immense challenges with resilience.
Five years ago, Deltra James’s life took an unexpected turn. At 33, she was a devoted mother of five, homeschooling her children in their cozy Connecticut home.But a Stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis shattered her world. Within a year, her marriage ended, forcing her too reenter the workforce and move into her mother’s spare room with her daughters. The weight of her circumstances was overwhelming.
“I was really angry that I had to start over – especially at a time where I got a diagnosis like mine, where it felt like starting over at the end,” James recalls.
despite the heartbreak, James found strength in the aftermath. She felt a renewed sense of empowerment and liberation, determined to embrace life fully. She longed for connection and intimacy but wrestled with the fear of pain during sex after her surgeries and chemotherapy. When she raised these concerns with her oncologist, she was met with discomfort and evasiveness, leaving her feeling dismissed and minor.
“I just felt like: ‘When would be a good time to talk about certain things? As I don’t want to just be existing,’” she says.
An inspirational note on a mirror in Deltra James’ bedroom. At right, she takes a selfie during a chemotherapy appointment in March 2023. Image: Michelle McLoughlin for NPR/James Family
The Unspoken Challenges of Cancer Survivors: sexual Health and Relationships
Table of Contents
- 1. The Unspoken Challenges of Cancer Survivors: sexual Health and Relationships
- 2. navigating Disclosure and Intimacy
- 3. Navigating Life After a Double Mastectomy: Abigail Glavy’s Journey of Healing and Self-Acceptance
- 4. Building trust through vulnerability
- 5. Finding love and Healing After breast Cancer: Abigail Glavy’s Journey
- 6. Navigating Dating Amidst Recovery
- 7. Celebrating Milestones Together
- 8. A Story of Resilience and Love
- 9. Finding Love After Cancer: A Story of Courage and Connection
- 10. Rediscovering Love and Intimacy After Cancer: A Survivor’s journey
- 11. What are some tips for finding a partner who understands and accepts her journey with cancer?
- 12. Finding a Partner Who Accepts Her Journey
- 13. Dating Tips for Cancer Survivors
As advancements in cancer treatment continue to save lives, a growing number of survivors face an often-overlooked aspect of recovery: sexual health issues. From joint pain and erectile dysfunction to early menopause, the physical and emotional toll of cancer treatment can deeply impact intimacy and relationships.Yet, many patients are left to navigate these challenges on their own, with little guidance from healthcare providers.
Modern medicine has made remarkable progress in combating cancer, leading to a significant increase in survivorship. In 1970,only 1.4% of the population had a history of cancer. Today, that number has soared to over 18 million survivors, representing 5.4% of the population. by 2040, this figure is projected to reach 26 million. Alarmingly, cancer rates are also rising among younger adults, many of whom are in the prime of their dating and sexual lives.
“Sexual health is one of the greatest unmet needs,” says Janeane Anderson, a researcher and assistant professor at the University of Tennessee. She estimates that approximately 80% of cancer survivors experience difficulties with sex after treatment. “Dating, relationships, sex, and sexuality have been largely ignored in the conversation around cancer care.”
Many patients grapple with feelings of grief and shame over their changed bodies or the strain on their relationships. Men, in particular, often avoid discussing erectile dysfunction, a common side effect of treatment. Lorraine Drapek, a nurse practitioner at the Massachusetts General cancer Center Sexual Health Clinic, notes that these issues are critical to patients’ overall well-being. “sex lives and relationships are a vital part of returning to normalcy,” she explains. “Some patients come back months later and ask, ‘Remember you said we could talk about this?'”
For cancer survivors, deciding what to share about their health and when to do so can be a daunting task. The emotional and physical changes brought on by treatment can complicate new relationships or strain existing ones. Many survivors feel unsure about disclosing their medical history, fearing judgment or rejection.
Despite these challenges, experts emphasize the importance of addressing sexual health openly. Resources like counseling, vaginal moisturizers, and therapeutic devices can make a significant difference in improving quality of life.Yet, these solutions are often overlooked in post-treatment care plans.
as the number of cancer survivors continues to grow, the need for thorough care that includes sexual health has never been more urgent. Addressing these issues not only helps individuals reclaim their lives but also fosters stronger, more resilient relationships.
When she started dating, Deltra James used make-up, including false eyelashes and eyebrow pencil, to appear “healthy-presenting,” she says.Image: Michelle McLoughlin for NPR
deltra James, who has been undergoing cancer treatments, shares her experience of navigating relationships while managing the physical changes brought on by chemotherapy. Though her treatments haven’t impacted her libido, they’ve left her feeling tired, sore, and without hair. When she first ventured into the dating world,she frequently enough chose not to disclose her diagnosis promptly,opting rather to use makeup and accessories to present herself as “healthy.”
She mastered techniques like applying wig glue, false eyelashes, and eyebrows to recreate the appearance she lost during treatment. “I’d try and do things like use all of the wig glue that I could,” she says. She also thought carefully about the logistics of intimacy,noting,”You being on top is less likely for your hair to come off.”
For others,like Abigail Glavy,concealing the effects of cancer isn’t always possible.
Abigail Glavy says she was feeling hopeful as she awaited breast reconstruction surgery in January 2023 (left). Earlier, she photographed her breast after a mastectomy in August 2022. Image: Michelle McLoughlin for NPR
Abigail Glavy recalls the emotional toll of her mastectomy in August 2022, describing herself as feeling “shocked, fragile, and disassociated” from her body.”I was terrified about it coming back, the cancer that is, and frankly still am,” she admits.By January 2023, as she prepared for breast reconstruction surgery, she felt a glimmer of hope, a stark contrast to the vulnerability she experienced months earlier.
These stories highlight the resilience and adaptability of individuals navigating life during and after cancer treatments. From mastering new beauty routines to confronting profound physical and emotional changes, their journeys offer a powerful testament to the human spirit’s capacity to persevere.
At just 31 years old, Abigail Glavy faced a life-altering experience that tested her resilience and self-perception. A month after undergoing a double mastectomy, she decided to reenter the dating world, a decision filled with both curiosity and fear. Her body bore the marks of her journey—incisions, stitches, and expanders stretching her skin in preparation for implants. The absence of her breasts and nipples, now replaced by skin grafts, left her grieving the body she once knew. “It was something that was difficult for me to let go of,” she admits.
Glavy’s journey began with a diagnosis that shook her to her core. She recalls feeling “shocked, fragile, and disassociated” from her body after the surgery. The fear of cancer’s return lingered, a shadow that still follows her today. “I was terrified about it coming back, the cancer that is, and frankly still am,” she shares.
Despite her struggles, Glavy found strength in her grandmother’s example. Growing up, she admired her grandmother’s mastectomy scars, which she felt never detracted from her beauty. Yet, when it came to her own body, doubts crept in. “Would somebody see me as whole?” she wondered. The thought of rejection weighed heavily on her,but she pushed forward,reminding herself,“It can’t be scarier than beating cancer.”
In the months that followed,Glavy began to document her recovery on social media,blending posts about her breast cancer journey with glimpses of her personality—her passion for Taylor Swift and her talent for macrame crafts. Her openness resonated with many, offering a raw and honest look at life after a mastectomy.
For Glavy, the path to self-acceptance is ongoing. She continues to navigate the emotional and physical challenges of her new body, finding moments of joy and connection along the way. Her story is a testament to the strength it takes to rebuild after loss, and a reminder that beauty and wholeness are defined not by appearance, but by resilience and courage.
a shared her diagnosis early on, before getting too involved. Some men stopped texting; others reacted with kindness.Dave Luke, a potential suitor, responded with a light-hearted joke: “I’m more of a butt guy, anyway.” His humor put her at ease.
Their first date was at a pumpkin patch in Dallas, where Glavy lives. Nervous about physical intimacy, she waited until their third date to kiss him. “He was really patient when it came to sex and intimacy,” Glavy recalls. Luke asked if it was OK to touch her chest,and consistently checked in to ensure her comfort. “I don’t want to do anything to hurt you or hurt your incisions,” he told her.
“I felt safe,” Glavy says. That sense of safety helped her rebuild trust in her body and regain confidence.
In 2023, Glavy celebrated significant milestones.July marked a year since her cancer diagnosis, and in October, she and Luke celebrated their one-year anniversary. “I faced cancer single,” she reflects. ”And it was really nice not doing it alone anymore.”
Just before Christmas, Luke proposed. In a photo taken shortly after,Glavy,now 34,radiates joy as she shows off her sun-shaped diamond engagement ring.
Building trust through vulnerability
Sharing her cancer journey openly, both on social media and in her personal life, Glavy found strength in vulnerability. Her posts about breast cancer sit alongside her love for Taylor Swift and her macrame creations, painting a full picture of her life.
Her relationship with luke blossomed as they navigated her recovery together. his patience and understanding allowed her to feel secure, even during moments of uncertainty. “He made me feel like I was more than my diagnosis,” she says.
Today, Glavy continues to document her experiences, inspiring others with her resilience and authenticity. Her story is a testament to finding love and healing in the most unexpected places.
Finding love and Healing After breast Cancer: Abigail Glavy’s Journey
Abigail Glavy chronicles her experiences on social media — breast cancer posts join posts about her love of Taylor Swift and her macrame craft creations. This was taken a month after her reconstruction surgery.Image: Abigail Glavy/
For Abigail Glavy,life after a breast cancer diagnosis became a journey of self-finding,resilience,and unexpected love. Diagnosed in 2022,she faced the challenges of treatment and recovery alone—until she met Dave Luke,a man whose patience and humor helped her rediscover confidence and hope.
When Glavy began dating again, she chose to share her diagnosis early on, before emotions deepened. Some men stopped texting; others responded with kindness. Luke’s lighthearted reply—”I’m more of a butt guy, anyway”—made her laugh and eased her anxiety.
Their first date took place at a Dallas pumpkin patch. nervous about physical intimacy, glavy waited until their third date to kiss him. “He was really patient when it came to sex and intimacy,” she recalls.Luke consistently checked in, asking if it was OK to touch her chest and ensuring her comfort. ”I don’t want to do anything to hurt you or hurt your incisions,” he reassured her.
this thoughtful approach allowed Glavy to feel safe and supported. “I felt safe,” she says, crediting luke’s patience with helping her regain trust in her body.
Celebrating Milestones Together
In 2023, Glavy celebrated two significant anniversaries. July marked a year since her cancer diagnosis, and in October, she and Luke celebrated their one-year anniversary. “I faced cancer single,” she reflects. “And it was really nice not doing it alone anymore.”
Just before Christmas, Luke proposed.In a photo taken moments later, Glavy beams with joy as she shows off her sun-shaped diamond engagement ring.
A Story of Resilience and Love
Glavy’s openness about her journey—both on social media and in her personal life—has inspired many. Her posts about breast cancer coexist with her love for Taylor Swift and her macrame creations, offering a holistic view of her life.
Her relationship with Luke, built on mutual understanding and patience, has been a cornerstone of her healing process. “He made me feel like I was more than my diagnosis,” she says.
Today, Glavy continues to share her story, offering hope and encouragement to others navigating similar challenges. Her journey is a powerful reminder that love and healing can emerge from even the most difficult circumstances.
Finding Love After Cancer: A Story of Courage and Connection
For Deltra James, a single mother living with Stage 4 cancer, dating was never easy. After a lumpectomy three years ago left a noticeable c-shaped scar on her left breast, she found herself grappling with how to share her reality with potential partners.”That’s very, very noticeable,” she recalls, “and so that’s when dating got a little scary.”
One of the most nerve-wracking moments came when she decided to open up to Mike Carbone, a man she had been dating for seven months. She braced herself for his reaction, but his response was unexpected. “He actually felt kind of relieved as I had canceled dates enough that he questioned how much I was into him,” she shares. ”But the real reason was I had just had chemo and was feeling like garbage.”
This honest conversation deepened their connection. Mike’s compassion became a source of strength for Deltra, allowing her to embrace their relationship more fully. “I certainly leaned more into our relationship as I could share a lot more,” she says. Today, three years later, they are in a committed partnership, and Mike has become an integral part of her daughters’ lives.
However, their journey isn’t without its challenges.When Mike recently shared his dreams of a future together in retirement, Deltra felt compelled to remind him of her incurable condition. “I needed to check in and make sure he understood what I’m dealing with and the realistic odds of a future,” she explains. Mike began to apologize for getting carried away, but Deltra reassured him, saying, “I don’t want you to talk in a way that totally writes me off, either.”
Despite the complexities, Deltra views dating after cancer as both an act of courage and a life-affirming gift. It has allowed her to live more fully, embracing the joys, messiness, and uncertainties of life. “Sharing life — with all its ups and downs — is what the human experience is all about,” she reflects.
Her story is a testament to resilience, love, and the power of vulnerability. It reminds us that even in the face of life’s greatest challenges,connection and hope can flourish.
Rediscovering Love and Intimacy After Cancer: A Survivor’s journey
At 33, Deltra James was living a life she loved—married, homeschooling her five daughters, and thriving in Waterbury, Connecticut. But life took an unexpected turn when she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Within a year, her marriage ended, and she found herself starting over: moving into her mother’s spare room, returning to work, and grappling with the emotional toll of her diagnosis. “I was really angry that I had to start over, especially at a time where I got a diagnosis,” James recalls. “It felt like starting over at the end, you know?”
Despite the upheaval, James discovered a new sense of empowerment. Newly single and determined to reclaim her life, she began exploring dating as a way to connect, escape, and find pleasure. “Going through my divorce, going through cancer—all these different things kind of made me feel empowered, if nothing else,” she says. “And I think that’s sexy. For the first time in a lot of years,I kind of know who I am and what I deserve.”
But dating after cancer came with its own set of challenges. Like many survivors,James worried about the physical and emotional impacts of intimacy post-treatment. Her concerns, however, were met with uncomfortable silence from her oncologist, who avoided discussing sexual health. “When would be a good time to talk about certain things?” James wondered. “because I don’t want to just be existing.”
James’ experience reflects a broader issue in cancer care.As survivorship rates rise, so does the number of people living with sexual side effects. Yet, these concerns often go unaddressed. Janeane Anderson, a researcher and professor at the University of Tennessee, explains, “Sexual health is one of the greatest unmet needs among survivors. Dating, relationships, sex, and sexuality have been ignored.”
For James, navigating intimacy meant confronting her fears and insecurities. “When do I disclose I’m a cancer survivor? When do I share my body? When do I share my scars?” she questioned.Treatments didn’t diminish her libido, but they left her with physical changes—a lumpectomy scar on her left breast and joint pain from chemotherapy. “Those are very noticeable changes.They couldn’t be ignored,” she says. “That’s when dating got a little scary.”
One of the most nerve-wracking moments came when she decided to share her diagnosis with Mike Carbone, a man she had been seeing for seven months. “When I told him, he actually felt relieved,” James shares. “I had canceled dates enough that he questioned how much I was into him. But the real reason was I had just had chemo and was feeling like garbage.”
The honesty brought them closer. carbone’s compassion, James says, became its own form of intimacy. “His understanding was a turn-on,” she adds. Three years later, they’re still together, but their relationship continues to navigate delicate conversations, like planning for a future that feels uncertain. “To check in and make sure he understood what I’m dealing with—the realistic odds of a future—was crucial,” James explains. “I don’t want him to talk in a way that totally writes me off.”
Despite the challenges, dating after cancer has given James a sense of fulfillment and connection she once thought was out of reach. “It’s given me the gift of a fuller life,” she says. Her story is a testament to the resilience of survivors and the importance of addressing the emotional and physical aspects of life after cancer.
What are some tips for finding a partner who understands and accepts her journey with cancer?
“dating is a way for me to get out of my head and my stress,” she says.
Finding a Partner Who Accepts Her Journey
Seven months into dating mike Carbone, James faced a pivotal moment. She decided to open up about her cancer diagnosis, fearing how he might react. “He actually felt kind of relieved,” she says.“He thought I’d been canceling dates becuase I wasn’t into him. But really, I’d just had chemo and felt like garbage.”
Mike’s supportive response deepened their connection. “I could share a lot more, and that was really wonderful,” James adds.Today, three years later, Carbone is a part of her family, helping to parent her five girls. Though, James says managing her relationship with the knowledge of her terminal diagnosis is intricate.
Recently, Carbone shared his dreams of a future together in retirement. James gently reminded him of her cancer. “I needed to check in and make sure he understood what I’m dealing with and the realistic odds of a future,” she says. Carbone began to apologize, but James stopped him. “I don’t want you to talk in a way that totally writes me off, either,” she replied. “It’s all about finding the balance.”
James says dating after cancer feels both like a brave act and a gift.It’s given her the chance to experiance love and pleasure despite her diagnosis. “Sharing life— with all its messiness — is what I want,” she says.
Dating Tips for Cancer Survivors
James offers the following advice for survivors who want to date:
- Know your limits: be clear about what you’re emotionally and physically capable of handling.
- be honest, but don’t lead with cancer: Sharing your diagnosis is vital, but it doesn’t have to dominate your identity.
- Take your time and trust your instincts: Don’t rush into anything that doesn’t feel right.
- Focus on connection: Look for partners who are emotionally available and supportive.
- Celebrate small victories: Enjoy the moments of joy and connection, no matter how brief.
For James, dating has been about reclaiming her life and finding purpose beyond her diagnosis.“Cancer doesn’t define me,” she says. “I’m still here, and I’m still living.”
