On the occasion of the Amours et Handicap fair, which was recently held in Hyères, meeting with Isabel Da Costa, vice-president of the APF France Handicap association. She discusses the sensitive subject of the sexuality of people with disabilities.
Why is it complicated to talk about love and disability?
Because it leads to talking about sexuality. You just have to look at the debates around sexuality education at school. It is a societal subject which clashes with a still very normative vision of the couple: it is entirely acceptable to see young people kissing in the street, it is more complicated when they are people “who have “past age”, for example. Why should sexuality only concern able-bodied people between the ages of 15 and menopause? Disabled people are not asexual! They can sometimes be asexual – not having sexual attraction – but they can also have a sexual life and choose their orientation (be straight, bisexual, homosexual, pansexual, etc.). Like everyone!
However, this right to sexuality often remains inaccessible. For what?
There is not exactly a right to sexuality, but sexuality is part of human health, as the WHO defines it. And this definition is not reductive: however, as soon as we approach the subject, some people think of sex, of the ability to do and forget that sexuality also encompasses encounters, relationships, intimacy, affectivity. The observation is that all this is complicated when you live with a disability, often because of a lack of accessibility which slows down social life in general.
What are the main barriers?
Before social obstacles or the way others look at us, there is first the way we look at ourselves, the way we would like others to look at us. Do we feel desirable, do we put barriers for ourselves, or on the contrary, do we not do a little too much?
There are also very concrete obstacles?
Life in a medical-social center, for example. A large part of the meetings take place at the workplace or on the way. When the person does not work, has a reduced social life, goes out or does leisure activities at staggered times – in the afternoon, rarely in the evening – they are less likely to meet people. This is one of the reasons for the formation of many disabled couples in establishments. Same thing when the person lives at home, with time constraints linked to care or daily help.
Is this between-self easier?
There is surely a reassuring side. The person does not have to explain, they protect themselves from intrusive gazes. There are also dedicated dating applications. For those who meet a disabled person, there may also be a fear of becoming a caregiver. It is unfounded: this is not the aim of the meeting, the disabled person already having their own organization. We’re looking for a lover, not a caregiver.
How to respond to the demand for privacy in institutions?
It is often complex, because the rooms are not adapted, generally without double beds. The person does not have the possibility of bringing whoever they want and there is sometimes a tendency on the part of professionals or relatives to set prohibitions for different reasons, such as the fear of unwanted pregnancies… However, certain establishments have privacy rooms, but it’s not ideal. You have to plan, it’s anything but intimate. Everyone knows what day and time the couple plans to make love!
How to manage physical constraints?
Whether the disability is visible or not, it often becomes visible when we undress, because the relationship with the body differs from one person to another. You have to be able to explain what the person can or cannot do. There are technical solutions to facilitate the sexual act, but it is not always simple. Using a sexual assistant can be a solution – for discovering the body or for example putting on a condom – but this subject is still a struggle. We must be able to start from the need expressed by the person, whether they verbalize it or not, to personalize the solutions.
What is a mental handicap?
It is necessary to find the right way to explain by adapting to everyone’s level of understanding. Parents should not forget sex education – whether their child is disabled or not!
The specific constraints of each disability must be taken into account. Each person expresses their emotions differently, preparation may be necessary. We have to find a way to allow her to express how she wants to experience her sexuality.
Finally, the challenge may seem impossible to meet?
Not if we learn to deconstruct our stereotypes and agree to start from the needs expressed by the person. This should be valid for the entire population. If we start from the singularity of each person, if we talk more easily, more freely about intimacy and sexuality, about what we want, about what we can do, everyone will find what they want more easily. And as a bonus, consent or non-consent becomes more natural, since everyone expresses their expectations and wishes at every moment.