Joy! Let’s talk about football, or soccer for our American friends. (That’s you, mate, not me, I’m a sophisticated European). So, it seems that Lionel Messi, the greatest footballer of all time, according to his hairdresser, has a new coach at Inter Miami. And, surprise, surprise, it’s his old mate Javier Mascherano! Because, you know, when you’re a superstar, you always want to surround yourself with people you know and trust, like your accountants, your solicitors, and your football friends.
Now, I’m sure you’re all thinking, “Who’s Javier Mascherano?” Well, let me tell you, he’s a bit of a legend, really. A defensive midfielder with a bad temper and a penchant for getting yellow cards. I mean, who wouldn’t want to play for a coach who’s been sent off more times than a+x-rated DVD at a vicar’s tea party? But, seriously, he’s a top bloke, Mascherano, and he’s had some experience coaching the Argentine U20s, so he’s not completely clueless. Although, I’m sure he’s still learning, I mean, have you seen the hairstyles of some of those young Argentine players? Absolutely ridiculous!
Now, let’s talk about the departing coach, Gerardo Martino. He’s off, apparently, for “personal reasons”. You know, the usual: “I’ve got a family member who’s ill”, or “I’ve got a cat with anxiety”, or… “I just can’t take the constant pressure of watching Lionel Messi miss goals from two yards out”. We don’t know, do we? All we know is that he’s gone, and good riddance, I say. I mean, he led Miami into the play-offs, but who needs that when you can lose to Atlanta United in the first round? That’s like me saying, “I’ve got a date with a supermodel, but I’m going to wear a straitjacket and build a ten-foot cardboard box around myself”. No, no, no, my friends. Not exactly the most auspicious start to a coaching career.
And, of course, there’s the elephant in the room: Messi. Ah, Messi! The G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time, for those not familiar with football Twitter). He’s still got a contract until the end of 2025, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. I mean, who wouldn’t want to watch a 37-year-old Messi strolling around the pitch, occasionally scoring, occasionally not, and always, always, always looking like the most relaxed human being on the planet? It’s like watching a nap-time episode of “The Great British Baking Show”.
So, there you have it, folks. That’s the story of Mascherano becoming the new coach of Inter Miami. Will it work? Probably not. Will it be entertaining? Absolutely! I mean, it’s not like they’re going to win the league or anything, but who cares? It’s football, and it’s Messi, and that’s all that matters.
Cheers, mate!
(Lee Evans drops the mic, walks away, and trips over his own feet)
(Jimmy Carr walks in)
Jimmy: And now, for a joke. Why did Mascherano become the new coach of Inter Miami?
(wait for it…)
Because he heard the pay was ‘Messi’-ngly good! (ba-dum-tss)
(Ricky Gervais walks in, sipping a coffee)
Ricky: (sarcastically) Oh, brilliant, Jimmy. That was fantastic. ( rolls his eyes)
(Rowan Atkinson walks in, looking like a bemused Mr. Bean)
Rowan: (in a silly voice) Is it tea time yet?
Global soccer sensation Lionel Messi is set to reunite with his long-time FC Barcelona teammate, Javier Mascherano, who has been appointed as the new head coach of Inter Miami, the US professional league MLS team co-owned by former England captain David Beckham. The announcement was made on Tuesday, following the resignation of Gerardo Martino, who stepped down as the team’s coach due to personal reasons.
Mascherano, a 40-year-old Argentine football legend, played alongside Messi at FC Barcelona from 2010 to 2018 and also represented Argentina’s national team with the superstar forward. After hanging up his boots, Mascherano transitioned into coaching and took charge of the Argentine U20 team in 2021, before leading the country’s Olympic team at the Paris Games. At Inter Miami, he will be reunited with former Barcelona teammates Luis Suarez, Sergio Busquets, and Jordi Alba, setting the stage for an exciting new chapter in the franchise’s history.
Martino’s resignation came as a surprise to many, despite the team’s impressive regular season performance, which saw them top the table with a record 74 points, securing a wildcard spot in the 2025 Club World Cup. However, their campaign ended abruptly with a first-round exit against Atlanta United, sparking speculation about the team’s future direction. Under Martino’s guidance, Inter Miami had made significant strides, and his departure has raised expectations for Mascherano to build on that success.
Messi, an eight-time world footballer of the year, is contracted to Inter Miami until the end of 2025 and has been an integral part of the team since his high-profile transfer in the summer of 2023. With Mascherano at the helm, the Argentine superstar is likely to play a key role in shaping the team’s fortunes and pushing for silverware in the next two years.
(sid)
