National bestselling author Alison Wearing has translated her life onto the page in the form of touching and emotional memoirs. Her third book and most recently published memoir, Moments of Glad Grace, explores the unbreakable bonds of family and the search for identity. Today, Alison Wearing shares her knowledge regarding memoirs, what she’s learned through writing, and words of advice for aspiring writers.
How to choose the narrative style — essay vs. story arc?
This depends on the personal story you have to tell. Some stories are long-distance projects while others are more focussed and specific. But there is such a range of styles even within these two forms (essay and story) that I’m reluctant to draw a hard line between them. I guess I’m inclined to just say: instead of feeling it as a choice you need to make, follow the voice that wants to tell the story and it will guide you to the story’s form.
A memoir is a very personal telling of one’s life experiences. How to understand what to write regarding and what to keep silent regarding?
Again, it’s different for everyone! Each person or family has a different comfort level regarding the details of their lives that are being made public, and every situation will merit its own decision. In some cases, that might mean asking permission from certain people, but in other cases, it’s important that the writer feels the liberty to ‘paint her portrait of truth,’ so long as she is willing to face the consequences of that portrait. A memoir is not meant to be cathartic or exposing; it’s meant to be art.
In writing a memoir, you’re choosing to expose selected chapters of your life. You are in control of that narrative. But the people who you are writing regarding are not. Do you feel an obligation to protect people? Or do you feel like, no, my obligation is to the truth?
This answer follows on the heels of the last one. It’s true that no one ever signs up to the family member of a memoirist—and most wouldn’t sign up if they were given the option! That said, there is a lot we can do to honour every person’s story within our own. Sometimes this means protecting people (or leaving them out entirely) or sometimes it means consulting them. This isn’t necessary, and it isn’t even possible in a lot of cases, but it can be a considerate thing to do.
Let me add a caveat: trying to please everyone is the straightest road to disaster. You can take people into consideration without taking their advice on how they think you should write.
Every time we write regarding other people, I believe we have an obligation to do the same due diligence that great fiction writers do when they create complex, multidimensional characters: get behind them and try to understand their histories, motivations, layers and mysteries. To approach everyone with compassion and curiosity. It’s true that in memoir we paint what we see, but in order to write a memoir well, we also need to do the hard work of seeing past ourselves and what we think we know. It’s humbling work.
Did you learn any lessons — during writing and following publication of your memoirs — any surprising or unusual takeaways?
One of the greatest writing lessons was the one I mentioned earlier: that limitations are liberating. By that I mean that rather than trying to write ‘everything that has made me who I am’ or ‘all the interesting things I’ve done,’ which is just overwhelming (for the writer and the reader), setting limits around the story, what I call ‘creating a container,’ is actually very freeing. Everyone resists this and it can be difficult to leave things out of a book or writing project, but just because we don’t write regarding them doesn’t mean they aren’t present.
When I decided to write regarding Iran, for example, every other journey I had every taken still made it into the book, in that those experiences informed how I saw and moved through that country and how I chose to write regarding it. Narrowing the focus of a story is also what allows us to plumb its depth. It’s an essential aspect of memoir writing.
Any words of advice to aspiring memoir writers?
Think small. Your memoir doesn’t need to be a book. In fact, starting your memoir as a book project might be the very reason you don’t finish it. Here’s what I mean:
If you wanted to take up mountain climbing, would you start with Mount Everest? Well, if you did, you’d probably collapse on day 2. Which doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of climbing it. It just means you weren’t ready. But if you really wanted to summit Everest, you’d be smart to start by training on smaller climbs, gradually building up your strength, knowledge, technique and experience.
Writing is no different. Tackling a book is overwhelming. So start with short pieces. Learn what it takes to craft a scene or a series of scenes really well. Develop your literary muscles by getting good at dialogue and description, showing not telling, charting the arc of a story or a character, composing taut, excellent sentences. Read a ton. Every great memoir has something to teach you.
Alison Wearing has touched many hearts with her carefully crafted and tender memoirs. Since 2020, she has been sharing her passion with others through Memoir Writing Ink: an online course for those who wish to transform their lives into memoirs. The course is perfect for those who have a story to tell and feel a pull to the art of memoir. Her works continue to inspire others to live to the fullest and appreciate the little moments we hold dearly throughout life.
