2024-01-19 08:22:00
Dear friend, dear friend,
A few days ago, I came across a beautiful conference by the American psychologist, Teal Swan, on loneliness.
It was an introduction to his book on the subject.
You will find the video here. It is in English with English subtitles(1).
In the United States, this young woman is a phenomenon. She is followed by millions of people. It is less known in Europe.
In terms of form, his words or his examples can sometimes seem excessive.
This is linked to the life she lived which, it seems, was not always simple.
She explains that she experienced trauma in her childhood from which it took her time to recover.
She is also very sensitive.
But don’t be fooled. She approaches the issue of solitude with undeniable discernment.
And his words deserve your attention.
Here are the key elements that I learned from it.
Which animal is totally helpless at birth and entirely dependent on its parents or relatives for three years?
What animal takes 20 years to become an adult and needs, to do so, to be constantly helped and guided by the adults around it?
It’s the human being.
Everything you are, you owe to the adults around you who, for years, took care of you.
These adults have left you a cultural heritage.
There is the good, the less good, the traumatic part perhaps.
There is what you decided to keep, what you rejected and what still remains lurking in the shadows that you have not yet dared to explore.
So, the first thing that Teal Swan invites its listeners to accept is that like wolves or deer, human beings need the group. He belongs to the group, to the tribe.
No one is made to live and act alone.
And this message contradicts many of the injunctions of today’s society which promises you that by using your bank card you will be able to do everything by yourself and for yourself.
This postulate is false.
It is the connections you create with others that give meaning to your life and bring you joy.
The psychologist insists. Connection with others is more important than food.
Someone who has just experienced a romantic separation or bereavement suffers to the point of no longer wanting to eat.
Among human beings, the interdependence is such that the connection trumps everything else.
And loneliness creates stress.
The central nervous system itself is concerned regarding your lack of connection with others.
Addictions are a way to relieve stress, to evacuate the fear that loneliness creates.
It’s tempting to think that loneliness comes from others.
But for Teal Swan this is not the case.
She believes that loneliness comes from the emptiness created by a person’s inner fragmentation.
Clearly, there are several amalgamated personalities in your house, in my house.
And she is not talking regarding pathological split personality, which is an uncontrolled situation.
She talks regarding the fact that there exist in each human consciousness, different “selves”.
These different personalities or facets would have been created following traumas or events experienced as such.
It is, for example, the anger of a parent over a child’s “stupidity”. The child learns to be afraid or ashamed of his behavior.
The feeling remains and the child hides this part of himself.
Each time, in your life and more particularly in childhood, a trauma has occurred, it can create an inner division.
But human consciousness, fundamentally, seeks unity.
Your happiness, your deep joy comes through your ability to be true and authentic.
This means that the more you manage to unify the different parts of yourself, the less loneliness you will feel and the easier your relationship with others will be.
The example of the child abandoned by his father
The psychologist gives an unfortunately classic example.
The child is 4 years old. His father leaves the family home. The reason is not given.
The mother, until then, worked part-time. She decides to go full time.
The child says to himself: Dad is gone, I have to fend for myself. I must rely on the part of myself that is strong, independent, the part that does not need others.
The child grows up and becomes that person. And others, when they describe this person, say that he is strong, independent and does not need others.
Except a part of that person has been left behind. The vulnerable part, the one who needs others, their love, their support, etc.
Sometimes patients regain this part by becoming ill, contracting cancer or becoming paraplegic.
At that moment, when they are vulnerable and dependent on others once more, they rediscover that part of themselves that they had forgotten.
And they realize it.
But it is not necessarily necessary to get sick to discover yourself.
4/ The relationship with others is an echo of the inner relationship
There is therefore a paradox in Teal Swan’s proposal: to better reach out to others, you must already learn to reach out to yourself.
If there is deep within you a disharmony between several voices that would like to be able to express themselves, the psychologist’s advice is to listen to the voice that is silent, but would like to be heard.
The idea is that your difficulties with others are a reflection of your inner contradictions.
By taking these different interiors into account, accepting them and listening to them, you will be more at peace with yourself and with others.
5/ Inner dialogue is liberating
Maybe you like receiving attention from others.
But in your childhood, this was forbidden to you. You were criticized for making too much noise, for disrupting the group. You fell into line like a good child.
As a result, this need for attention or recognition has never been completely met.
It might be something else.
What vulnerability have you always hidden?
What need have you always sacrificed?
What part of yourself is silenced?
What compromise can you find so that this part can exist?
These questions may be difficult or painful.
Perhaps you need therapeutic support alone or in a group to address this.
One thing is certain: by accepting your faults, your fears, your disappointments which are often expressed through emotions, you are carrying out therapeutic work.
Paradoxically, by listening to the parts that, deep down inside, demand to be heard, you are doing an exercise in letting go.
Suddenly, you let life work inside you.
You are no longer in complete control.
There is something quite mysterious there.
By letting go, you allow your inner voices to harmonize with each other.
And this facilitates your relations with the outside world.
6/ Commitment as a response to loneliness
Teal Swan explains that when she was younger, she wanted to kill herself.
To resist temptation, she said to herself: “I’m going to give myself 5 more minutes to live fully”.
Then, she allowed herself 1 half hour, then an hour, half a day, a day and so from postponement to postponement, she pushed back her despair.
This idea already exists among poets like Rudyard Kipling who in his poem “If” encourages the reader to lead a full and committed life without losing their soul.
The last stanza of his poem says this:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!
I would translate it like this:
If you can fill every minute that passes irremediably
by sixty seconds that each deserve to be lived,
the earth and everything in it belongs to you,
And – what’s better – you will be a Man, my son.
The idea is that a full, engaged and true life allows you to unite the different facets that constitute you.
And thanks to this, you can go through life without fear of getting lost or going astray, without fear of loneliness or addictions.
7/ Meeting inner monsters allows you to tame them
Swan’s proposal goes even further.
She explains that she works with criminals.
These people are in prison.
For her, prisons represent the part of humanity that we reject. The part of humanity that we are ashamed of and that scares us.
It is regarding the monstrous part of humanity, which nevertheless is an integral part of society.
And she explains that this part of monstrosity which generates unacceptable actions is also part of each of us.
And it is by accepting her own “monster” part that she can meet those who have committed atrocious crimes and accept them as full humans.
This is a bold proposal.
8/ The Name by Carl Gustav Jung…
But it is not new.
For example, Carl Gustav Jung, a 20th century Swiss doctor and psychiatrist, already used the notion of the shadow.
The shadow is the unknown part of every human being.
It represents what has been repressed by the child into the unconscious for fear of being rejected by the important people in his life: his parents, his educators and the community in which he grew up (2).
These are the parts considered fearsome and shameful.
They manifest themselves through judgments, rejections, fears and are the basis of moral and social prejudices.
Jung believed that it was possible to live with your shadow and pacify this hidden and disturbing universe.
Going to meet the part of the “monster” that is in oneself is also going to meet a wounded part, distorted by fear and shame.
This path requires courage.
It allows, however, to accept oneself better and to love oneself better and thus to accept others better and to love them better.
It’s worth it, right?
Naturally yours,
Augustine of Livois
1705766092
#Institute #Natural #Health #Protection #loneliness #inevitable
