Anyone who wants to know what goes on in nursing homes should definitely read the weekly column about it by Thomas van der Meer de Volkskrant read. I only did that – and it will happen to many others – when my own wife was taken into such a house. It is a subject that you would prefer to avoid for as long as possible, as long as you and your loved ones are still healthy.
These fascinating columns have now been collected in a book under the title How about we live a very long time? Van der Meer has written his columns from the perspective of the care provider he himself still is in such a home. (He made his debut as a writer in 2020 with the novel Welcome to the club.) Some columns are also about his work in a psychiatric clinic and in home care, but the nursing home is central. That is an ideal biotope for a writer, but I do not mean to say that that is why Van der Meer chose this profession.
Van der Meer describes situations of which the visitor has no idea in a sober, penetrating style. For example, he notes that there is quite a bit of hatred and envy on the work floor in the nursing home. In every new department he comes to, he experiences his work as “hell” during the first months. Colleagues are the nicest, he concludes, when they enjoy their work, and that is only possible if “they feel taken seriously by their organization and are proud of their work.” He believes that there is generally too little appreciation for their work. “Elderly care may be seen as a sympathetic profession, but not as a complex profession. Not as a profession that you have to be able to do something for.”
Very wrongly, I can confirm from my own experience, because I often admire healthcare providers for their great patience and dexterity with which they free difficult residents from unpleasant situations. It is an underestimated and underpaid profession. Especially because they may also have to deal with undesirable behavior from visiting relatives or friends. “Every department has a family that terrorizes the place (….).” I was not yet aware that the nursing home cannot escape contemporary terror.
The residents themselves often suffer from such psychological problems that they are difficult to care for. “It is difficult for people with dementia to be constantly disoriented and no longer understand their environment, and this can cause a lot of other problems: fear, suspicion, wandering behavior, aggression.”
In the column ‘This might be spinach’, Van der Meer describes how he treats an emaciated patient. “In the morning I place one hand on the pointed bone of her hip and the other on her bony shoulder, and then I turn her on her side to wash her bottom. She weighs nothing.” Immediately after this description he comes to the following sigh: “I really don’t want to be left lying around in a nursing home. I have to make sure I’m dead before then.”
That is exactly the same sensation that spontaneously overtook me after just a few visits to such a nursing home. A stay there seemed to me to be a form of pointless suffering, a wandering through a labyrinth full of misery, even though the patients themselves are too far gone to fully realize this – fortunately.
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How about we live a very long time? Reflections on Nursing Homes
Now, if you’ve ever thought nursing homes were just places where the elderly wait for a game of bingo to start, think again! Vielen Dank, Thomas van der Meer, for ripping the curtain aside and giving us an inside scoop in the pages of de Volkskrant. Believe me, dear reader, I only stumbled upon this when my wife was plucked off to one herself. It’s like discovering a secret society, except the only initiation ceremony involves getting old and dodging the 12-hour shuffle that is ‘the daily routine’!
Van der Meer’s newly compiled book, aptly titled How about we live a very long time?, isn’t just a witty title thrown together — it’s a question that makes you ponder if perhaps we’ve all reached the ‘too much information’ threshold. Written from a care provider’s perspective (who still dares to be in the trenches himself), this tome is journalism, therapy, and a side-splitting stand-up routine all rolled into one. Not to mention his debut novel in 2020, Welcome to the club — which, let’s be honest, sounds more like a tourists’ brochure for the nursing home elite!
Now, hold onto your cups of tea because Van der Meer doesn’t shy away from the disturbingly juicy bits. You might be la-di-da-ing past the nursing home thinking it’s a land of cozy sweaters and Light FM playing on loop, but think again! Apparently, it’s like a soap opera back there. *Spoiler alert*: There’s more hatred and envy among colleagues than you’d find in a reality show mansion. It’s a bit concerning that your daily experience of ‘hell’ is just the backdrop for making elderly care feel undervalued!
I mean, how did we reach the point where professionals in elderly care are battling the workplace equivalent of ‘Hunger Games’? Van der Meer highlights that while caring for the elderly may seem like a heartfelt gig, it’s one that often comes with a side of cheeky disdain from society. “Ah yes, the noble healthcare provider,” they whisper, as they utterly fail to appreciate the patience and agility it takes to wrangle a somewhat disgruntled resident. Ever tried reasoning with someone with dementia? I can barely reason with my self-aware cat after his 3 p.m. snack!
And don’t get me started on the terrifying relatives! Van der Meer makes it clear: “Every department has a family that terrorizes the place.” Honestly, sounds like another reality TV show in the making. They should charge entrance fees because good grief, just when you thought being elderly was the scariest part of life, you realize you’ve got relatives out for your head as well!
One moment that struck me — like a poorly played card game — was when van der Meer described a particularly saddening scenario with a frail and emaciated patient. His reflection, “I really don’t want to be left lying around in a nursing home. I have to make sure I’m dead before then,” echoes with a terrifying honesty. Let’s face it, no one dreams of their twilight years being a limping stroll through memory lane mixed with wandering between rooms full of discontent. Unless, of course, your memory is selective, much like some of my friends after a good night out.
So, what’s the takeaway from Van der Meer? We must peek behind the proverbial curtain before assuming nursing homes are places of tranquility. There are layers of complexity, a chorus of sorrows, and plenty of dark humour waiting to be discovered. Life in these homes isn’t filled with ‘peaceful transitions’ but with battles of dignity, resilience, and, dare I say it, a dash of madness. Let’s start not just appreciating the providers; let’s prop them up like the fragile but determined pillars they are. I raise my glass to the nurses — may your coffee be strong, and your breaks be long!
How does Thomas van der Meer suggest we can improve the perceptions and realities of caregiving in nursing homes, based on his insights in *How About We Live a Very Long Time?*?
**Interview with Thomas van der Meer: Author of *How About We Live a Very Long Time?***
**Interviewer:** Welcome, Thomas! Your book, *How About We Live a Very Long Time?*, provides a refreshingly honest perspective on life in nursing homes. What inspired you to write these columns and compile them into a book?
**Thomas van der Meer:** Thank you for having me! The inspiration really came from my personal experiences when my wife was placed in a nursing home. I found myself navigating a world that is often overlooked and misunderstood. By writing from my perspective as a care provider, I aimed to shed light on the complex emotions, challenges, and realities that both residents and those who care for them face.
**Interviewer:** Many people view nursing homes as serene and cozy places. You paint a different picture. Can you elaborate on some of the less discussed realities of this environment?
**Thomas van der Meer:** Absolutely. While many imagine nursing homes as peaceful havens, the reality can be quite different. There’s an intense emotional landscape that often goes unnoticed. For instance, the interpersonal dynamics among staff can mirror dramatic reality shows, with jealousy and frustration bubbling under the surface. It’s not just about the care given to residents; it’s also about the working conditions and how undervalued caregivers feel.
**Interviewer:** You mention that the profession of elderly care is often seen as sympathetic but not complex. Why do you think this perception exists?
**Thomas van der Meer:** It’s a common misconception. Society tends to romanticize caregiving without recognizing the depth and skill involved. Caring for individuals with dementia or other psychological issues requires incredible patience, quick thinking, and a nuanced understanding of human behaviour. It’s a multifaceted job, but unfortunately, it is often underappreciated and underpaid, leading many to underestimate the pressures involved.
**Interviewer:** You also share that some residents exhibit challenging behaviors due to their psychological struggles. How does this affect the caregivers?
**Thomas van der Meer:** It can be quite taxing. Many caregivers are faced with residents who can’t comprehend their surroundings and, as a result, might exhibit fear, aggression, or confusion. This creates an environment that requires not just skill but emotional resilience. Caregivers often bear the brunt of these behaviors, which can lead to stress and burnout if not managed properly.
**Interviewer:** Your columns suggest a sense of urgency regarding these issues. What do you hope readers take away from your book?
**Thomas van der Meer:** I hope readers gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for the complexities of elderly care. It’s crucial to start talking about these topics, so we can advocate for better conditions for caregivers and residents alike. And perhaps most importantly, I hope my reflections inspire more empathy in society toward the elderly and those who provide care for them.
**Interviewer:** Thank you, Thomas, for your insights! Your work important contributes to a vital conversation about elderly care and the realities of nursing homes.
**Thomas van der Meer:** Thank you for having me! It’s been a pleasure to discuss these important topics.
