2023-04-21 09:30:00
AWith Donald Trump, narcissism has once again become a fashionable concept, a word, too, that is creating buzz on social networks and in the media. Social media and other online platforms are now full of advice and theories from life coaches, therapists, psychologists, and self-proclaimed narcissists claiming to provide the keys to “how to handle a relationship with a narcissist — or their own symptoms.”
It is important to come back to the facts and the definitions of what we are talking about concretely. In its common acceptance, the term “narcissism” is used to describe someone who is selfish and self-centered. An individual who exhibits narcissistic traits may suffer from a personality disorder, called “narcissistic personality disorder”.
Over the past decade, the rapid development of social networks has changed the way people communicate and interact with each other. Surfing on Facebook, TikTok or Instagram can thus give the impression of being on a trip to a narcissistic country…
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As a licensed family therapist specializing in attachment-related relationship issues, I have worked with many couples where one partner was on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. Narcissistic partners are particularly difficult to deal with, because they have often succeeded in convincing their partner that they are the ones who are dysfunctional.
What is narcissism?
Doctor Otto Kernberg, a psychiatrist specializing in personality disorders, makes the difference between “normal” and pathological narcissism. To do this, he assesses the patient’s ability to take part in satisfying romantic relationships.
“Normal” narcissism is in fact a well-integrated sense of self, which generally serves the common good and is reflected, for example, in the fact of being proud of an achievement. In contrast, pathological narcissism describes extreme variations between feelings of inferiority and failure and feelings of superiority or a delusion of grandeur.
READ ALSOHow to judge “the hold”, a subtle and devastating phenomenonEach of us has a “normal” little narcissist in him, who expresses himself through self-confidence, even a minimum of smugness, but which still leaves room for an ability to show empathy and of emotions. Scientists have shown that healthy narcissism is present at “subclinical” levels in ordinary populations and can help motivate people to get ahead.
But, if an excessive desire for attention or approval, even an inflated sense of self, surfaces in this search for progress, we are no longer in the realm of healthy narcissism.
The pathological narcissist views everyone else as an extension of himself. Those who share his life, especially his inner circle, must be perfect, as they contribute to the narcissist’s self-image. As with other personality disorders, a vicious circle of idealization and devaluation is created, thus generating a toxic relationship.
Who makes a good victim for a narcissist?
A good partner for a narcissist would therefore be someone who is supportive of this grandiose sense of self – and since this confirmation is the primary driver of a narcissist’s relationship, the narcissist is usually not interested in having it. learn a lot about each other.
READ ALSOWhat is the difference between a psychopath and a narcissistic pervert? What attracts narcissists is not the personality traits of the other or the bond that arises from the relationship. If the person has a good reputation in their eyes and they find them attractive, they are often ready to move the relationship forward quickly. But, since this interest is most often superficial, the narcissist usually loses interest in the relationship as soon as he immersed himself in it.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of extreme psychological and emotional abuse characterized by manipulative forms of communication and intentional deception, for the purpose of exploitation, by a person who meets the criteria for pathological narcissism.
Different types of narcissism
Narcissistic abuse can be of several types. They are often insidious and difficult to recognize – but it is important to identify the main traits.
- Cognitive diversion, or gaslighting : this manipulation strategy is used to make the victim doubt his ability to make a decision or act in order to maintain control over his sense of reality. The victim feels in the grip of doubt and insecurity and may have difficulty realizing the manipulation. A codependency can develop between the narcissist and the victim, who accepts the narcissist’s position of authority.
- Self-victimization: This state of mind is common in people with narcissistic personality disorder and implies that everyone owes it something. In my clinical experience, I have often seen narcissists create false narratives about how they didn’t get what they were supposed to get because they were wronged by others. These stories allow them to feel entitled to feel anger and resentment towards anyone, especially towards those they perceive to have succeeded.
- Vicious circle of idealization and devaluation: Narcissists hold very strong beliefs about themselves and others, which can be so overwhelmingly positive or negative that they are unrealistic. In the idealization phase, the narcissist creates a sense of unbreakable bond with the victim. The relationship (romantic, professional or family) is fast and intense. Then his partner disappoints him, usually unintentionally… The narcissist then begins to criticize every move, to draw conclusions, to react dramatically to this disappointment, and may accuse the other of not being that perfect partner that he was meant to be. This phase is characterized by verbal and physical violence, humiliation, threats and defamation.
- Sense of Emptiness: According to psychiatrist Otto Kernberg, the inability of narcissists to develop fulfilling and lasting relationships results in a chronically empty inner world. Patients with this personality disorder often wake up in their 40s, 50s, or 60s with a sense of hopeless loss. The narcissist encounters a sense of emptiness that stems from relying on a grandiose false sense of self, which keeps them from being vulnerable. In turn, he projects his feelings of emptiness onto his partner. Many of these patients suffer from a loss of identity, a sense of helplessness, and feel alienated from the world.
How do you handle a relationship with a narcissist?
Narcissists often develop controlling and manipulative relationships with their partner’s friends and family. The victim may therefore feel reluctant to count on the support of his inner circle. Finding a specialist therapist is the first step in the healing process.
Many patients have told me that their therapists are not familiar with the concept of “pathological narcissism”. In this case, I suggest that they contact therapists specialized in working on emotions or transference: this approach is not limited only to interactions that occur outside of sessions and thus makes it possible to identify communication patterns destructive at work during the sessions.
From my point of view, relationships with a narcissistic partner are among the most difficult to deal with because they are often reluctant to participate in therapy. They don’t admit they need help and find it difficult to cooperate with the therapist. Effective couple therapies are therefore rare… but not impossible. They can only occur when the narcissistic partner recognizes that their expectations are unreasonable and destructive.
* April Nisan Ilkmen is a doctoral student in couple and family therapy at Adler University in Chicago, Illinois.
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