2024-02-23 17:49:23
According to Tatler magazine, there are a handful of very specific rules to follow when seducing a member of the aristocracy.watson/getty
You had the misfortune of being born a commoner, but you don’t despair of adding a particle to your last name? The magazine Tatler, the bible of royal gossip, has just delivered its 37 recommendations for a successful date with an aristo. We summarize for you.
23.02.2024, 18:4923.02.2024, 19:03
Who hasn’t dreamed of marrying a duke, a baroness or a marquise? To spend your Sundays, your Mondays and even your Wednesdays playing polo on a 30 hectare estate, splashing in your mother-in-law’s turquoise swimming pool and having nothing more important to do than organize the next lunch with his noble friends, following a game of tennis?
That’s good. To fulfill the aspirations of the most aspiring among us, the very worldly magazine Tatler delivered his best tips to seduce Lady Candice of the Pomeranian estate or Sir Archibald Hamilton von Wittelsbach. That said, I warn you: for the rest of us, dudes without a long last name or a drop of blue blood, some of this advice will seem a little… abstract. Even absurd. We’ll let you judge.
The introduction
Let’s start with the beginning: find the aristocrat in question. Tatler has one piece of advice right off the bat: “Choose him like you would a racehorse.” Hmmm…?
“If he has crazy eyes, don’t go.”
Ah OK.
More prosaically, once you have spotted the individual on social networks, consider activating private mode before digging deeper into their LinkedIn profile. And to know the exact size of your future father-in-law’s labyrinth, don’t forget to type the name of the family estate on Zooplathe online platform that estimates the value of high-profile properties (if you have your eye on a Norwegian or Swedish princess, unfortunately the site is limited to the UK).
Once you have passed the perilous stage of making contact, exchanged the first usual banalities and convinced your prey, uh, sorry, your crush, to meet you, congratulations. The hardest part is ahead of you. Now it’s time to take the first date test.
Oysters and champagne
For your first meeting, don’t hesitate to be enterprising. You can even reserve the restaurant. But be careful, warn Tatler. Focus on discretion. If your aristocrat is based in London, be careful to avoid Berkeley Square in the city center’s Mayfair district. (This, at least for the first five appointments, depending on Tatler.) Opt for an intimate establishment that will put your partner at ease and where no one is likely to recognize them. However, make sure that said intimate establishment serves “Laurent Perrier and oysters”. Indispensable. Little advice: don’t opt for the cheapest or most expensive bottle on the menu.
If you are afraid of having to pay 20 bucks for three poor oysters, two coupettes de champ’ and an unfortunate bowl of peanuts (note, if this is the case, we can only strongly advise you not to associate with an aristocrat), you can report on an activity. Cinema is banned (it’s outdated). Prefer to hang out, well, take your future half to an exhibition.
Once it’s time for the date, behave like you would on any Tinder date. Avoid monopolizing the conversation, be curious (not just regarding the pedigree of your interlocutor, of course), ask questions and be frank regarding your sexual orientation. Consider turning off your phone’s notifications. You don’t want to be disturbed every two minutes.
Things to avoid
So much for the things to do. Let’s now focus on the most important thing: what you absolutely must avoid, at the risk of exposing the full extent of your banality to the eyes of your noble date. It’s there that Tatler appears to be the most picky.
In terms of clothing, ban on going barefoot. Yes yes, it’s dirty, but that’s how it is. And since we’re talking regarding shoes, boat shoes are prohibited on land. Just like lugging around a suitcase. And to wear a vest.
This kind of vest.
Another notorious lack of taste? Wearing a signet ring without a crest. No need to humiliate yourself.
If you arrive late, continue Tatler, don’t try to justify yourself with a lame excuse, like: “I lost track of time while writing poems.” It does not work. Don’t arrive late. Once there, hold on tight. Be polite and respectful to servers (a tip that applies even when you’re not in the presence of a lord, by the way.)
As the evening progresses, the magazine lists a few topics to absolutely ban from the conversation: your partner’s heritage (that will come later), the institution where he studied (if you have chosen your prey wisely, it will be Eton , like Prince William), the island of Bali (there, we didn’t really understand why, it must be a inside joke of rich people), the gym (!), prepared meals (?), your sausage dog (especially if his name is Georgina), the names of your future children (that too, can wait) or even the astrology (your interlocutor does not need to know that Mercury is in retrograde). We also avoid referring to our parents as “mom” and “dad”. Please.
Crying during the first date is also prohibited, as is vaping at the table. It’s vulgar. Also remember to never make the slightest comment regarding what your date eats (or doesn’t eat). Finally, forget regarding “name dropping”. For what?
“The fact that you met Prince Harry is not impressive. Who hasn’t done it?”
Tatler.
Finally, once your first appointment has been made (and approved), be careful. To preserve a little mystery, avoid displaying your private life on Instagram (no one cares, dirty latte that you drank this morning). And if you have the bad idea of showing your target to your friends, please, avoid liking a family photo from 2014. Don’t leave your target in sight on WhatsApp for “more than one solar cycle”. To conclude, some final good news: Tatler strictly prohibits voice notes.
At the end of this fruitful lesson in etiquette, we hope that you now have a more precise idea of this subtle and inexact science of seducing an aristocrat. Remember: among aristos, a first date is often the path to marriage. You will thank me when your children are named Windsor. Moreover, do not hesitate to include the name of your royal chronicler in your will. To your good heart.
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