You could call it part of our nature. Or a sign that we are made in God’s image.
Even people who have been told of their imminent death defy the certainty, look forward and keep hope. Indomitable! And for the relatives, who stand on the sidelines, it can be good mines for bad games.
But it applies there, as it applies to the love of a good friend and the unspoiled joy of life of a small child: As relatives, we must support!
Even though this is the seventh time our good friend has fallen in love and thinks he has found the one, we must encourage and congratulate him.
Stories from the deathbed
I remember once sitting at the bedside of a good friend.
He was seriously ill with lung cancer and had just been operated on.
Maybe he was still a little fuzzy on top of the anesthesia, but suddenly he pulled me down to him and confided in me with insisting eyes: “I know, I’m seriously ill,” he said, placing his other hand flat on his chest as if to point to the disease within the lungs, and then continued: “But I still believe I shall get well!”
On All Saints’ Day, Danes gather in the country’s churches to remember their dead relatives or friends, and who therefore probably know similar stories.
In any case, we priests have heard many relatives tell us about an almost unnatural courage and hope in the dying person, whom you have followed the last part of the way and finally said goodbye to.
Hope is the last thing to die, they often say. And it’s true. But not without nuances.
The phases of the fight to the death
In a famous book ‘Death and the Dying’ from 1969, the originally Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926-2004) wrote about her experiences from many conversations with the dying and their relatives, to whom she was one of the first to devote her special, professional attention.
First, she learned that a dying person can alternate between rejecting and accepting his fate.
In the beginning, when the disease has not fully seized the powers of the soul and body, the dying person is prepared to undergo nameless sufferings if it can make him or her well.
And even, as indicated earlier, where all medical hope is ruled out, the dying person can maintain a belief in a definite miracle.
But then the dying person can also suddenly enter a state of acceptance.
This manifests itself, e.g. in such a way that he or she confides in his or her relatives that ‘I have also had a good life’, or assures them that ‘I am not afraid of dying’.
Sometimes this acceptance phase continues right up until death. Or it can suddenly turn into defiance and rejection again.
Secrets from each other
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross also reports on the not entirely rare phenomenon that a dying person and their spouse can both carry exactly the same secret, but in order to spare the other do not talk about it.
The secret is that they both know that all treatment is hopeless.
But the dying person has accepted that fact, but does not want to upset his or her spouse, and therefore pretends that he or she is still living in hope.
The same applies the other way, so that they both – if I may say so – ‘dance like the cat around the hot porridge’. And even at a time in their lives together when it is more important than ever to talk together.
Various deaths
Just like a human life, no death is the same.
Some die suddenly and unexpectedly, and those closest to them are left speechless and shocked and have no idea what’s going on or what’s going on.
Others become seriously ill and undergo a long course of treatment, where hope oscillates between optimism and pessimism and is arduous for both the patient and the relatives. Both mentally and physically.
Still others have a rather long run to what doctors have told will end in certain death in the foreseeable future.
Regardless of who and how, being dying and relatives are also part of being alive. Yes, in the beginning as well as in the end, life is a slow death and even an exercise in saying goodbye. With increasing frequency.
A close-knit community
And the vast majority of us also experience being with the dying as a condensed community of enormous intensity, where seconds and minutes take on the importance and weight of years.
Therefore, for most people, death also ends in peace. With sadness and longing, yes. With pain and loneliness, yes. But also with gratitude and lots of good memories, which once again manage to turn us towards the future with a renewed zest for life.
Grief eventually makes joy deeper and better rooted. You can get tired i life, but rarely gets tired of life.
Deadline
With my own old father, I found, while he was still alive, that with his eyes fixed on what he often referred to as his ‘deadline’, he more and more lived his life in memory and looked back.
It could seem as if he did not dare to look ahead.
Of course, it has something to do with the fact that for him most of his life was behind him. “You have to assume that”, he answered me on the phone when I asked him.
Gospel and love
But the Christian gospel not only keeps up with us in faith, but also in hope and love’s strong reluctance to part with those we love.
The gospel is with us in defiance and the courage to live, which stomps against death’s separation and ‘deadline’ and therefore supports us in the stubborn forward-lookingness that lies so deeply in our nature and cross-faithfulness.
The living, ever-forward Christian hope
In the living Christian hope, we can always look forward, because the gospel of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead opens up the future to God’s kingdom and community, so that death never has the last word in our lives.
Even with his nose pressed flat against the impenetrable masonry of death, the Christian can always look forward in faith and hope.
In the name of Jesus.
Even in the most impenetrable darkness, the Christian can glimpse a light that is admittedly pressed from all sides by the darkness, but nevertheless runs with all attention and fixes the gaze of faith and hope.
2024-11-03 09:57:00
#Henrik #sat #good #friends #hospital #bed #Suddenly #pulled
**Interview with Dr. Anna Sørensen, Palliative Care Specialist**
**Host:** Thank you for joining us today, Dr. Sørensen. Your insights into the acceptance of death and the process surrounding it are incredibly valuable.
**Dr. Sørensen:** Thank you for having me. It’s a complex and deeply human experience that we often struggle to understand.
**Host:** The concept of hope in the face of terminal illness is fascinating. Why do you think many patients cling to the belief they might recover?
**Dr. Sørensen:** It’s a reflection of our nature. Hope is a fundamental aspect of the human experience. Like many people, individuals facing death often alternate between acceptance and denial. It’s a coping mechanism; they find comfort in the possibility, no matter how faint.
**Host:** You mentioned Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief in your article. How important is understanding these phases for both patients and their loved ones?
**Dr. Sørensen:** Understanding these phases can be incredibly helpful. They foster communication between the patient and their family. If family members recognize that feelings can fluctuate from hope to acceptance and back, they can better support their loved ones without taking it personally.
**Host:** Your article discusses the phenomenon where both a dying patient and their spouse might share the same secret about the inevitability of death. Why do you think this communication barrier exists?
**Dr. Sørensen:** It’s a natural instinct to protect loved ones from pain. However, this silence can lead to increased anxiety and isolation. Open discussions can be difficult, but they are vital during such an emotional time. It allows both parties to find closure together.
**Host:** You also touched on the variation in how people experience death. What advice would you give to families navigating this difficult time?
**Dr. Sørensen:** Be present and open. Each experience is unique. Some may wish to talk, while others prefer silence. Listen to your loved one’s needs and allow them to guide the conversation. Ultimately, it’s about creating a space where they feel safe to express their fears and hopes.
**Host:** Lastly, you mentioned that grief can deepen our appreciation for life. Can you elaborate on that?
**Dr. Sørensen:** Absolutely. While grief is undeniably painful, it often leads us to reflect on our lives and relationships more deeply. Through our sorrow, we gain insights that enhance our gratitude and appreciation for the fleeting moments we share. It’s about finding joy even amidst loss.
**Host:** Thank you for these profound insights, Dr. Sørensen. Your perspective will surely help many families navigate the challenges of dying and death.
**Dr. Sørensen:** Thank you for having me; it’s important we keep this conversation going.
