2023-09-06 18:55:14
Definition: what does gaslighting mean?
The gaslighting is a term used in psychology to designate a mental manipulation technique aimed at making a person doubt themselves. The goal ? Take advantage of the anxiety and confusion generated. There are many ways to achieve this. We find in particular lying, denial, distortion of facts, or selective omission.
However, in recent years, gaslighting has become a common parlance term to refer more broadly to misleading someone in order to profit. In this usage, the term refers to modern forms of manipulation such as fake news, deepfakes and artificial intelligence. As such, the famous English dictionary Merriam-Webster revealed that gaslighting was his “word of the year 2022”. It was among the most searched terms online last year.
A psychology straight out of a movie
The term gaslighting was first popularized by the movie Gaslight (1944) by George Cukor, adapted from a 1938 play. This work told the story of a man who manipulated his wife into thinking she was going crazy. He had secretly modified certain elements of their environment (such as the intensity of a gas lamp) to confuse his wife. His goal was actually to cover up a crime he had committed and to steal jewelry.
After this film, the term was taken up in various fields, in particular by certain authors in psychology. However, gaslighting does not refer to an officially recognized condition.
A “cognitive diversion”
The Office Québécois de la Langue Française (OQLF) provides for the first time a French translation of the gaslighting with the expression “cognitive diversion”. Radio-Canada also proposed the term “debraining” in 2018. Some will even speak of “enfumage” to describe this way of depriving someone of any ability to reason correctly.
Who are the gaslighters?
Gaslighting is a mode of manipulation used by different psychological structures.
narcissistic personalities
More commonly called “narcissistic perverts” (pn). This concept was developed by Paul-Claude Racamier in 1936. According to this French psychiatrist, narcissistic perversion consists “to defend oneself (in an organized way) from all pain and internal contradiction and to expel them to have them brood elsewhere, while overvaluing oneself, all this at the expense of others”. Today, the DSMV (reference manual in psychiatry) prefers the notion of “narcissistic personality”.
anti-social personalities
More commonly called “sociopathes“. These people are characterized by their contempt and tendency to transgress the rights of others and even laws. Many offenders are sociopaths. These individuals resort to manipulation by repeated lies whether for pleasure or for profit indicates the DSMV.
psychopaths
If this term has been abandoned by psychiatry, it is still used today to designate a psychological structure devoid of affects. Unlike the sociopath, the psychopath can conform to social norms but he does not know his own morality or the feeling of empathy. This insensitive person, who is not uncommon to be found in high strata (corporate CEO, lawyer, media figure, etc.), often resorts to manipulation and methods such as gaslighting.
“unstable” people
And yes, there are a number of personality disorders that can explain a gaslighting tendency. Psychic instability often explains this flaw: whether it is histrionic personality disorder (which often deceives with the aim of seduction) or even borderline (which manipulates for fear of abandonment).
Simply manipulators!
Some individuals are manipulators outside of any psychiatric disorder, whether in their affective, family and/or professional life.
Mythomania and gaslighting: two different realities!
Please note, gaslighting should not be confused with mythomania. The latter is a pathological tendency to disguise or reinvent reality without realizing it. The mythomaniac constantly fantasizes, often to compensate for low self-esteem. Its objective is not to deceive the other. He is therefore not really a manipulator. Mythomania is more like a form of behavioral addiction.
Gaslighting: how to recognize the signs?
Certain manipulation techniques are characteristic of gaslighting. If you have the impression that someone close to you uses these methods on a recurring basis to abuse you, it is because he may be a gaslighter also called abuser.
1- He/she tells lies
The abuser lies skillfully and with great ease: he can use a serious and affirmative tone. In addition, these fine manipulators often choose to deceive you on matters that are difficult to verify or subjective realities.
2- He/she distorts reality
It is not uncommon for the abuser to offer you a version of reality that is slightly… off the mark! His truth gives him thanks and/or can serve you or even devalue you. It risks causing confusion, mental ruminations and can compromise your confidence and your self-esteem.
3- He/she denies the obvious
The abuser is in the most total denial of his own faults but also of your own needs, which are however so obvious. You can yell the truth at him or claim what you think is due, there’s nothing to do.
4- He/she forgets some episodes!
And no, he/she does not have Alzheimer’s disease! He/she is just in bad faith. The abuser has a selective memory. Sometimes he pretends not to remember some of these errors or some events of the past.
Manipulation in love: detecting the gaslight in the couple
It doesn’t matter if you have just met him/her or if you are simply beginning to detect his little trick following years of cleaning… certain behaviors should alert you.
- he/she blows hot and cold.
- He/she uses radio silence or even verbal silence.
- He/she minimizes and questions your judgment by using phrases such as “you’re exaggerating”, “you’re not a funny person”, “you make movies”, “always with your fixations”. ..
- He/she projects his/her own faults onto you: if you reproach him/her, you can be sure that he/she will find you a fault or remonstrate with you within minutes.
- He/she uses the carrot and the stick: in order to validate your behavior, he/she rewards you with compliments and delicate attentions. On the other hand, if something he didn’t like, you’re sure to see some backlash. Some gaslighters drop the sentence a little later so you don’t make the connection and see any desire for revenge on his part. Some manipulators even use sexual abstinence and the absence of tenderness and attention to punish the other or generate frustration.
- He/she does not position himself and does not say what he thinks.
- He/she remains in the dark.
- He/she devalues you or even insults you.
Gaslighting: a manipulative technique in the work too!
In the workplace, gaslighting is also used for the benefit of the abuser. It makes it possible to destabilize the victim colleague to put him in check and then accuse him of incompetence. The risk for the victim is depression, anxiety or even burnout.
How to behave with a gaslighter?
If you can’t or don’t want to cut ties with the abuser, it’s best to gain independence and emotionally detach yourself from that individual. Now avoid taking into consideration what the manipulator says.
In general, avoid revealing your feelings and your needs: all this will always be used once morest you. Always plan ahead what you are going to say so you don’t get lost. Ask your interlocutor to be clear and to position themselves.
The counter-manipulation is also a good way to cope. This technique uses fuzzy and superficial modes of communication, and consists of not positioning oneself. It is widely used by the manipulator himself and naturally indifferent people.
Some examples of counter-manipulation
Here are some techniques you can employ to “counter-manipulate” a gasligher:
- Make short sentences
- Stay in the dark
- Use ready-made phrases, even sayings
- Use “on” instead of “I”, “you” or “we”
- Use humor
- Smile more often
- Make fun of yourself (make fun of yourself)
- Always stay light and polite (avoid aggressiveness)
- Do not enter into the discussion if it leads to nothing or to devaluation
- Use irony only if you are sending a message back and if you are sure of yourself
- Never justify yourself
Gaslighting: how to get out of it?
If you are dealing with a narcissistic personality (narcissistic pervert or pn), it is better to take your legs around your neck while there is time. Indeed, these personalities were built in this way, manipulation is a defense mechanism, a real survival kit for the narcissistic pervert (PN) who will not change. Only you risk leaving feathers there.
Nevertheless, if your relationship with the abuser is destined to last, it is better to be accompanied by a specialist. It can be a psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist, a coach… The important thing is that the professional is aware of the issue. The therapeutic techniques used are numerous: analysis, behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, work on self-esteem…
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