2023-07-20 10:16:45
On July 20 of each year, Argentines look forward to the emotional ritual of greeting, hugging or remembering those we consider friends, in commemoration of the day man conquered space and landed for the first time on the Moon.
Although not so celebrated, July 30 is the International Day of Friendship, designated by the UN, whose objective is to promote the union of humanity to fight once morest poverty, violence, violations of human rights and all forms of of exploitation and submission.
In both cases the union is for noble reasons and love. Paraphrasing B. Shaw: “The only mirror that a friend can really lend you is to hold a mirror in front of you, in which you can see a noble image of yourself.”
What is friendship? Each one can have a different conception of what it means, since each link, as well as each person that composes it, is unique and unrepeatable.
In this sense, we might say that it is a type of intimate affective relationship where mutual feelings of trust and loyalty prevail, it is similar to the love of a couple but devoid of romantic connotations since friendship has other rules.
Jorge Luis Borges said: “Friendship does not need frequency. Love yes, since it is full of anxieties, of doubts. A day of absence can be terrible.
Luis Kancyper, Argentine psychoanalyst, in this same sense expressed: “Love is even more vulnerable than friendship, it is always on the verge of failure, it is more fragile because more regressive affections are revived than in friendly relationships. Love is summed up in reciprocal possession, possessing what possesses us, friendship, on the other hand, in reciprocal correspondence without domination. In love, more in the state of falling in love, primitive anxieties are resignified that evoke the original helplessness of the infans”.
Over the years and in the face of epochal changes, we are allowed to rethink the spaces in which friendships are forged. Not long ago, they were “the friends of the neighborhood.” Those who were boys and girls in 1960 remember with evident nostalgia playing in the street, the feeling of security of being able to explore and experience adventures with their neighboring friends. Nowadays, we might also add internet friends, among whom games and virtual experiences are shared.
From the cultural point of view, countless songs, movies, novels and series reflect different ideas regarding friendship. We are crossed by these concepts that sometimes tell us that it is regarding having faithful friends, a million friends, that friends are forever, unconditional, and the family we choose.
If we trace the meaning of the word Friend we observe that it comes from the Latin amicus which derives from the verb amare (to love). A poetic etymology says that it comes from animi (soul) and custos (custody), that is, the “guardian-soul”. This is how friends are that protective net, that platform that exists between the security and confidence (in the best of cases) of family life and the rest of the unknown world.
“One for all and all for one”, was the famous phrase in the novel “The Three Musketeers” by Alexandre Dumas. Hence, the mere idea of losing them overwhelms and anguish.
There are no perfect, secure or eternal friendships, but when intentions are clear and harmonious they are healthier and more lasting. Communication as well as in any link is of the utmost importance, avoid future disagreements and frustrations regarding the expectations of each one.
The idea that friendship can be sealed once and for all, by throwing away the key to the lock, is a childish fantasy sustained by the psychic belief that it is unconditional for life. Friendship as well as the rest of the relationships is cared for and cultivated.
In the office and in everyday conversations we frequently hear the concept of the permanent and the ephemeral: the usual friends. And at the same time nothing is forever. So what are we left with? Taking as an example the number of migrations that currently exist for socioeconomic and cultural reasons, it is true that many links are put to the test.
We know that hyperconnectivity and its immediacy help sustain relationships, but they do not replace the experience of meeting, body to body, looking at each other, or sharing a mate.
We like to think of the idea of friendship as movement. Not like pond water, but like river water, sometimes more turbulent, sometimes calmer. After all, that is what allows its oxygenation and purification.
As the singer-songwriter Jorge Drexler says: “We are alive because we are in motion.” We want living friendships and to be able to assume that when that doesn’t happen it’s better to let them go.
*Psychoanalysts from the Buenos Aires Psychoanalytic Association (APdeBA).
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