(Opening music plays as the four comedians, Jimmy Carr, Rowan Atkinson, Ricky Gervais, and Lee Evans, walk onto the stage, wearing serious faces)
Jimmy Carr: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, we’re going to tackle a rather…fascinating story from Brazil. (pauses for comedic effect) Because, you know, what’s more thrilling than a plot to assassinate a president?
Rowan Atkinson (in a serious, Mr. Bean-esque tone): Indeed, Jimmy. It appears that Jair Bolsonaro, the former president of Brazil, had a rather…planful approach to not conceding defeat.
Ricky Gervais: (chuckling) Planful? That’s one way to put it, Rowan. More like, he had a plan to make Brazil look like a bloody banana republic!
Lee Evans: (excitedly) And what a plan it was! Assassinate the new president, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, also known as Lula, by using… (dramatic pause) chemical agents!
Jimmy Carr: (dryly) Ah, yes, because nothing says "democracy" like poisoning your opponent. I mean, what’s the Brazilian for "I’m not gracious in defeat"?
Rowan Atkinson: (in a mock-Brazilian accent) Ah, eet ees… " Eu não sou gracioso na derrota"? (audience laughs)
Ricky Gervais: (laughing) And it’s not just Lula they wanted to take out. Oh no, they had a whole list of targets, including the vice president and a Supreme Court judge.
Lee Evans: (impressed) Blimey! They had a whole "Money Heist" thing going on, with codenames and everything. Lula was "Jeca", the vice president was "Joca"… (giggles) It’s like they were planning a game of assassination bingo!
Jimmy Carr: (deadpan) And the best part? They planned to use a rather…exotic arsenal, including an M249 light machine gun and an AT4 rocket launcher.
Rowan Atkinson: (in awe) Ah, yes, because what’s a coup without a bit of overkill?
Ricky Gervais: (sarcastically) I mean, who needs elections when you can just blow things up and poison people?
Lee Evans: (excitedly) And the cherry on top? They planned an escape plan for Bolsonaro himself! Because, you know, after you’ve assassinated your opponents, the next logical step is to flee the country… (chuckles)
Jimmy Carr: (summing up) So, there you have it, folks. The Brazilian far-right’s guide to winning elections: assassinate your opponents, use chemical agents, and have a solid escape plan. (dryly) Classic.
(The four comedians chuckle, and the audience applauds as the article continues to be read)
Investigation reveals shocking details about Bolsonaro’s alleged involvement in a plot to assassinate Lula
The Brazilian Police report, declassified on Tuesday, presents evidence that suggests Bolsonaro had "full knowledge" of the assassination plan, which included elite military personnel, war weapons, and even chemical agents.
Ricky Gervais: (incredulous) Full knowledge? That’s like saying, "Oh, I was just… (gestures innocently) just hanging out, and suddenly I knew all about this assassination plan."
Lee Evans: (excitedly) And the police have got evidence, folks! They’ve got records of visitors to the Presidential Palace, dialogue between Bolsonaro’s inner circle, and even analysis of dates and meetings.
Rowan Atkinson: (in a mock-serious tone) Ah, yes, the old "my associates and I were just discussing the finer points of… (gestures vaguely) gardening".
Jimmy Carr: (deadpan) And what’s this? The suspects used country names to preserve anonymity? How quaint. Like they were planning a game of… (sarcastically) "Assassination Geopolitics".
Ricky Gervais: (laughing) I mean, who uses country names as codenames? "I’m going to Japan to meet Germany and discuss our plan to… (whispers) off Lula".
Lee Evans: (giggling) And the names they chose for their targets! "Jeca", "Joca", "Juca"… (chuckles) It’s like they were trying to create a Brazilian soap opera!
(The four comedians continue to poke fun at the article, using their quick wit and observational humor to bring the absurdity of the situation to light.)
(Closing music plays as the comedians take their final bows)
Jimmy Carr: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for joining us tonight. Until next time, when we’ll undoubtedly have another tale of global politicians behaving badly…
Rowan Atkinson: (smirking mischievously) Goodnight, and don’t let the assassins bite!
Ricky Gervais: (laughing) And if you’re a president-elect, do keep a lookout for chemical agents… (chuckles)
Lee Evans: (excitedly) And remember, folks, in politics, it’s not just about winning… it’s about not getting killed! (audience laughs)
(Curtains close)
Breaking News: Explosive Federal Police Report Reveals Bolsonaro’s Involvement in Coup Plot
According to a bombshell Federal Police report, declassified on Tuesday, former Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro was the mastermind behind a sinister plot to prevent the inauguration of current President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva. The 884-page document, now in the hands of the Prosecutor’s Office, contains damning evidence of Bolsonaro’s direct involvement in the conspiracy, which was hatched after Lula’s narrow victory in the October 2022 presidential election.
The investigation, which has been underway since the election, has uncovered a complex web of deceit and corruption involving 37 individuals, including active and reserve military leaders, former ministers, and close associates of Bolsonaro. The report details a shocking plan to assassinate Lula, Vice President Geraldo Alckmin, and Supreme Court Judge Alexandre de Moraes, who was then head of the Superior Electoral Court.
Bolsonaro Had “Full Knowledge” of Assassination Plan
The Federal Police report alleges that Bolsonaro had “full knowledge” of the assassination plot, code-named “Green and Yellow Dagger,” which was scheduled to take place before Lula’s inauguration on January 1, 2023. The plan, allegedly prepared by reserve general Mario Fernandes, involved the use of elite military personnel, war weapons, and even chemical agents to eliminate the targets.
The report cites evidence collected from the Alvorada Palace, the official residence of the Presidency, including visitor logs, dialogue records, and meeting schedules, which suggest that Bolsonaro was aware of the ongoing plot. Furthermore, documents obtained by the Police describe the operational plan in detail, including the use of an elite group of the Army, known as ‘kids pretos’, and the deployment of war arsenal, such as grenade launchers and rocket launchers.
A Macabre Plan to Assassinate Lula
The coup plot, which was uncovered by the Brazilian Police, reveals a chilling plan to assassinate Lula, which included the use of chemical agents and war weapons. The suspects, who used code names to preserve their anonymity, planned to use an M249 light machine gun, a 40 mm grenade launcher, and even an AT4 rocket launcher to eliminate their targets.
The report also details a plan to poison Lula, taking advantage of his vulnerable state of health and frequent hospital visits. The plotters also planned to eliminate Vice President Alckmin and a third target, known only by the code name “Juca.” Additionally, the report reveals that Bolsonaro himself was planned to be spirited away to a foreign country as part of an escape plan.
