Action extra sharp at Lower Austria’s schools! Only a few days following its formation, the black-blue coalition is already taking action. During a raid by the Schnitzelstaffel (SS), demanded by the FPÖ, five elementary school students were caught red-handed eating an illegally immigrated kebab instead of an autochthonous schnitzel. You are in custody.
BADEN – “Breathe on me, pappalatur, or rather: kebabalatur”, snaps the operations manager of the schnitzel squadron at the seven-year-old Noah. The elementary school student opens his mouth with tears in his eyes.
The head of operations noted on his notepad: “The smell test, which the suspect, who identified himself as a student of the elementary school in Baden, gave in Baden, shows clear traces of the smell of onions, grilled meat and yoghurt from abroad , presumably Ayran, on – so with everything. The substance definitely does not come from an Austrian inn!”
He fixes Noah on the ground and puts Kommissar Rex children’s handcuffs on him. “Risk of repetition,” he explains soberly. Whether Noah is sent to a reformatory or deported straight away to Vienna depends on his willingness to cooperate during the interrogation.
investigative tactics
“Of course, we don’t just want to unmask the customers, but also the Anatolian backers who are flooding our beautiful Lower Austria with inferior-quality food,” says the official, taking a bite of his meat loaf.
In any case, one thing is clear: From today on, his name will no longer be Noah either, because the head of operations crosses out the name on the student ID card and writes “Herbert” over it. A resocialization measure that is intended to give the young perpetrator the chance of a normal, National Socialist life, as the FPÖ Lower Austria wishes for all children.
language police
The German requirement in schools is already being implemented. “Fortunately, there’s an ÖVP-FPÖ government, because otherwise a week of language police would be constantly monitoring us and telling us what we’re allowed to say,” laughs Gerhard Hartgert from the blue language police, the “language supervision” (SA).
Then he gets angry: “Hey, you! Understand German instead of nothing! Because German is compulsory at school, which is what you have to comply with in order to preserve our linguistic culture!” he yells at a student who uses an English vocabulary in English class.
Harmonic tones
At least in music lessons, the new curriculum is already being implemented in an exemplary manner. In front of the scrutinizing eyes of the SA, the music teacher explains: “Well, later we’ll learn regarding the greatest hits of the John Otti band” An official shakes his head, the teacher swallows: “I meant the greatest hits of the John Otti band, but before that, please open your Germania Junior children’s song book. And one, and two… Stand up, you old Germans, we’ll make the seventh million!”
Suddenly a mobile phone rings and “Crazy Frog” begins to play. Head of Operations Hartgert pulls out his taser. “Who is that? I don’t want to hear any more hipedi-hop from Africa-America, otherwise I’ll pull the trigger.” “Sorry, that’s my cell phone,” Sophie whispers. “Speak German! Des hast: Excuse me, that’s my hand,” she admonishes the operations manager. Another violation of the obligation to speak German, understandably the operations manager’s fuses are blown.
The situation is de-escalated with pepper spray. “We’ve got the little terrorists out of business,” says a masked member of the schnitzel team happily, and high fives with the language supervisor. A police car drives past, two police officers shout “Ösdareich, Ösdareich, Ösdareich” out the window and roll on. The school children stare out the windows in fear.
The unit will report to the governor (the term “woman” is forbidden in public offices) Johann Mikl-Leitner today: the operation was a complete success. The SS and SA finally ensure law and order in Lower Austria.
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