2024-03-01 19:32:15
Old and single, but happy… How do some people enjoy contentment and confidence despite the absence of a partner?
Joy Lorton, 80, has been married and separated from her partners 4 times.
The woman, who lives in Olympia, Washington, and has three daughters and seven grandchildren, said: “I grew up in the fifties and sixties of the last century, when everyone was supposed to get married and have children, so I took this step,” according to a report by the New York Times.
But each of her marriages has been marred by a different flavor of crisis, and since her last divorce in 2001, she has remained faithfully and cheerfully single. “It all goes back to the word itself: freedom,” Lorton said.
Now she chooses who she wants to spend time with, which might mean no one at all. “I really like spending time with myself,” Lorton explains.
About 30 percent of adults in the United States over the age of 50 are single, according to a 2022 Pew survey. Despite the stigma that tends to surround both singleness and advanced age, many enjoy living alone. Older singles were less likely than their younger counterparts to say they wanted to date or find a romantic relationship, and research suggests that people’s satisfaction with being single tends to increase in middle age.
Bella Di Paolo, a sociologist who studies single life (she is a 70-year-old single woman), explained: “People in their 60s and above who are single and thriving… are an indescribable story… a feel-good story that shatters all images.” Our stereotype.
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One of the main differences between being single in your 60s or later and being single when you are younger is the self-awareness and self-confidence that comes with age, Dr. DiPaolo said. Research indicates that self-confidence peaks between the ages of 60 and 70.
“When you get older, there’s a real feeling that I need to live my best life now,” explains Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Single and Happy. She added that people who have been single for a long time have the advantage of experience and hindsight to show them that it is possible to experience joy and peace even without a partner.
The experience has certainly been a teacher for Kamran Avary, 66, who grew up in Iran and moved to the United States when he was 16. He spent much of his early life resisting what he saw as the rigidities all around him – first, the society in which he grew up, then the expectations of an “oppressive” relationship. He bristled at the idea that if you and your partner can’t meet each other’s needs 100 percent: “You’re both failures.”
However, Avary has been involved in multiple relationships for years. But as he got to know himself better, his sense of what he wanted changed… Avary, a communication professor living in Los Angeles, also began reading more cultural criticism and research on singleness, like Dr. DiPaolo’s.
Dr. Di Paolo spoke regarding a theme that comes up frequently in her work: “People feel freer to embrace the single life when there is less external pressure to settle down — especially when parenting is off the table.”
“All those people who might have teased you regarding not being married or who act like there’s something wrong with you for being single often shut it down by the time you get to your somewhat senior years,” she said.
A small study conducted in 2021 found that those who were single tended to invest more in their friendships (Reuters)
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Although he embraces singleness wholeheartedly, Avary is not naive regarding the practical challenges he may face in the future without a partner. The man is the primary caregiver for his mother, who is in her 90s, and knows that there may be no one to care for him as he grows older. (He noted how fortunate he felt to have a pension that made it financially possible for him to be involved in a senior care facility.)
But he does not fear the loneliness or isolation that affects many older Americans, as he has learned to develop “very loving” relationships with many friends and colleagues.
Dr. Di Paolo believes these relationships are another untold story regarding singleness later in life: “They invest more in their friendships, and they get more out of them.” Although celibacy in general is understudied, there is some research that supports the idea. A small 2021 study that focused on college students found that those who were single tended to invest more in their friendships.
Jette McCullough, 68, was married for 28 years but now lives an “incredibly joyful single life”. McCullough dabbled in online dating, but recently deleted her accounts following asking herself, “Why am I on this stupid dating site?” (Her experience is not unique; women over 50 are the demographic most likely to describe online dating experiences as somewhat or very negative, according to a Pew poll.)
McCullough, who lives in Ludlow, Massachusetts, said that instead of feeling lonely, she realized that “there is a lot of connection available in the larger world.” When winter storms hit, her neighbors text to see if she needs anything. She also volunteers at a local school, is involved in a running club, and has her own YouTube channel.
But she also enjoys the quiet moments. After decades of marriage and raising four children, she says: “I love the time I spend alone… I spend it with gratitude.”
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