© Provided by LA Times
For families of addicted people every day is a challenge, it is very difficult -sometimes impossible- to help someone who refuses to receive help. (Jay L. Clendenin/Los Angeles Times)
Maricela faces a great dilemma, she has to make a decision and her heart breaks for not knowing what to do. She has been married for twelve years and is the mother of two daughters, one nine and the other twelve. Until four years ago, life seemed to smile on her and her family.
“I don’t know how to help my husband, he is addicted to crystal. I have looked for information, sometimes I talk with other women who are in the same situation. I have tried everything, like not judging him, talking to him, telling him I love him, I have used blackmail, by hook and by crook, but he denies it, he simply does not accept it, he does not accept an anti-doping test either, he has become very liar, his mood has changed, he has never hit me, but he attacks with his words, now he doesn’t have time for anything, he always seems to be in a hurry and the money vanishes from his hands; My question is, do I continue to support him or leave him?
Maricela doesn’t know what to do, on the one hand her heart tells her that love can do anything, but reason and the experience of recent years tell her that it’s better to stay away. The eldest of his daughters has already told him several times.
A similar case is that of Pepe, a 68-year-old man, who does not dare throw his only son out on the street. Pepe argues a lot with his wife, she is very angry with both, “one for being a sponsor and the other for being so cynical and maintained”.
For both families every day is a challenge, they are torn between love and fear. Next, I want to share with you the opinion of a group of experts, that is, of wives and mothers of families who have faced similar situations.
– “In the case of Maricela, I would tell her to get away from that man; if he wants to go to hospital or seek help, let him do it on his own, otherwise it’s not convenient for you, you and your daughters are worth a lot to live hoping that the man wants to change. Don’t wait for things to get worse. As for Pepe, I think he should put his son in a rehabilitation center. Sorry to be so direct, but I speak from my experience as a mother and as a wife.
Dew
– “To Maricela, I say that it is not in her to change her husband, which means that no matter how much she does this or that, if the addict does not want to, there will be no human power to achieve that change, only God. As the ex-wife of an addict, I also found myself in the dilemma of staying or separating, until I understood that if I stayed I was doing it because I liked the bad life or because of codependency, that’s why I decided it was better to leave and I don’t regret it. I don’t have children, that’s why I don’t give an opinion on the case of Pepe and his wife.”
Mony
– “I was the wife of an alcoholic for more than twenty years, I put up with everything, but the truth is, when I separated, I felt like a weight was lifted off me, at this point I don’t know if I wanted it anymore, I think it was habit, fear to face life alone, I don’t know, codependency and cowardice.
“When I began to organize my new life, I discovered that two of my children are addicts, they are already of legal age, but they still live in my house, they are both single and they helped me with the expenses, but for some time now , the contribution is minimal and less frequent; Mood swings and weight loss were signs that something was wrong, I’ve confronted them, but like Pepe, I feel a knot in my stomach at the thought of telling them to go away. If they ask me what to do? I tell them to start by attending a twelve-step group for family and friends of addicts, they won’t tell you what to do, but you will find the answer to your questions.”
Irma
Indeed, it is very difficult -sometimes impossible- to help someone who refuses to receive help. There are thousands of stories of families who have gone to great lengths to rescue a loved one.
Experience tells us that before we want to change others, we must start by changing ourselves, doing things differently, such as attending twelve-step groups, getting closer to God and cultivating a spiritual life, traveling, stopping being a sponsor and allow our loved one to find their way, live their experiences and face their consequences.
Write me, your testimony can help others. All names have been changed.
cadepbc@gmail.com
This article was first published in Los Angeles Times in Spanish.