Psychiatric Newspaper | Kim In-su, a specialist in mental health medicine
We all have flaws that we all want to fix. A personality that becomes especially timid in front of strangers, an attitude that rarely bends in conflict situations, etc. Everyone has a desire to change. However, it seems that there is still no clear answer to whether a person’s personality can really be changed and what an effective method is. Dreaming of becoming a better me than I am today, I look into various self-help books, but I’m sure you’ve experienced at least once in a while that you find that you don’t change much.
There is no clear definition of personality, but it is defined as the enduring and consistent pattern of behavior that characterizes an individual.You can. A pattern of thought, behavior, or emotion that represents an individual’s identity, a characteristic that is repeatedly revealed in any environmentno see. For example, when faced with uncomfortable situations, most people try to resolve conflicts in familiar ways. I’ve already experienced it, so I feel most comfortable that way. When something good happens, the way we respond or express it also differs from person to person. This is because they all have different personalities.
Yoo Jae-seok, a broadcaster who is now called ‘National MC’ and ‘God Yun’, is said to have lived an unknown life for the past 10 years. He himself admits that repeated failures gave him stage fright, and he was a bit cheeky in his rookie days. The way he overcame those days was revealed while composing ‘As You Say’ with singer Lee Juck in ‘Infinite Challenge’. One day, he realized that he was repeating negative words like “Why can’t I, why can’t I do it?” do.
Likewise In order for people to change, a decisive moment, strong motivation, and hard work are needed.is. That’s why it’s very tiring to bump into someone with a different personality, and it’s not easy to change that person. If this problem arises in a relationship with another person, simply avoid meeting that person as much as possible. But even if you want to avoid it, there are things you can never avoid. It is a spouse who shares every daily life.
It is often said that dating and marriage are completely different worlds. I thought I already knew everything regarding him because I was in a relationship for a long time, but since I live in the same space, I bump into every single thing. From where you squeeze toothpaste, how often you do laundry, to your sleeping habits. There are times when marriages are frustrated by unexpected problems.
Since we have to be together for the rest of our lives, we must find a compromise. Changing my personality or lifestyle is a difficult part for myself to practice, so how can I ask my spouse to do so?
A study published in the ‘Journal of Social and Personal Relationships’ suggests that for relationships, both the ‘changing spouse’ and the ‘requesting spouse’ should focus on the negative emotions that arise during the change process. Being asked to change between a couple is an embarrassing, upsetting, and sometimes upsetting eventmay be It makes her think that her partner is dissatisfied with her marriage and is asking for change, and she loses confidence in herself and in her relationship with her partner.
Researchers say it’s natural to feel these intense emotions. However, I focused on finding a way to effectively respond to my emotions. Compare the results of two approaches that people usually take when asked to change: ‘suppression’ and ‘re-evaluation’I did.
As a result Couples who suppress or hide their emotions may feel that the change has been successful in the short term, but not very effective in the long term.appeared. instead ‘The more couples adopt the ‘reappraisal’ approach, the more positive progress is made for both the changing spouse and the requesting spouse.I felt
here Re-evaluation is to accurately look into one’s own and the other person’s feelings and actively seek alternative solutions.no see. The researchers explained that, rather than suppressing emotions to avoid immediate conflict, reappraisal is more effective in managing negative emotions and moving them closer to change successfully.
So, how can we put reevaluation into practice? First, we need a preparation step to admit that ‘we are different’. Re-evaluation, that is, dialogue, is possible only when we can deeply accept that the other person is not the same as us. If this step is done Create your own ‘conversation channel’ for couples. It is to set the time and place of conversation by mutual agreement.
At that time and place, you should honestly express your feelings and respect the feelings of the other person. do. If your emotions get too intense, you can also try writing instead of speaking. However, the point to be careful is that you must strictly distinguish negative emotions from the conversation at this time so that they do not affect your daily life.
Of course, it can be difficult at first. You may have the other person’s words in your head, get angry, or want to call the other person to refute it even though it is not the promised time. In that case, remember that our brains don’t normally hold certain emotions for more than 20 minutes. Negative emotions do not go away because we dwell on the event that triggered them. It is to suppress intense emotions for a while, go regarding your daily life, and then talk once more in the promised channel. It is important to learn to control your emotions by making it a habit to take breaks.
For two people who have grown up in different environments for decades to become a ‘family’ is bound to require a lot of time, effort, and conversation. If your spouse’s trivial personality or habits give you a hard time, admit that we are different. After that, express your feelings in an honest position and have a conversation. If you don’t express it, the other person won’t know. I hope you remember that leaving the wounds to fester to cover up small conflicts is a shortcut to ruining a relationship.
Your Forest Mental Health Clinic | Insoo Kim Director
