2023-09-17 05:00:22
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People are responsible for what happens within relationships. Build positive connections and stay away from where you’re not having a good time.
THE HOMELAND | MANIZALES
“There are no toxic relationships, but rather wrong people with toxic behaviors. It is human beings who establish the connections. That is something that must be thought about and evaluated.”
The previous statement is from Ángela María Ruiz Osorio, transformational coach, who conceptualized a popular issue that is the subject of study in disciplines such as psychology and psychiatry, social work and couples therapists.
She, who is also a nurse at the University of Caldas, stressed that we are social beings by nature and that we end up having bonds that can become something healthy or harmful.
“As human beings we have some characteristics with which we live, which make us distinguish ourselves from others. Many of these things have been learned consciously, others unconsciously; some good and others bad.”
Models that affect
According to Ruiz, there are different behavioral models that inject toxicity into relationships:
Emotional dependence. “That is a characteristic that complicates a relationship. It is very affecting to believe that you cannot live without the other. We cannot hold others responsible for our own happiness.”
Obsessive jealousy. “The fact of feeling that the other is your property does no good to anyone. Neither to those who live with jealousy nor to those who have to put up with those who suffer from it.”
Emotional blackmail. “It happens with relationships where ‘if you leave, I’ll die, I’ll commit suicide’ or ‘if you leave me, I won’t be able to continue studying’ appears. I insist that we cannot hold the other responsible for our own well-being. It is very delicate, because sometimes it only remains a threat. But other times, it becomes reality.”
Disinterest / Superficial relationships. “It is not so much about the person, but about things that surround them. Economic status and social position, which end up negatively influencing that contact.”
Personal immaturity. “To the extent that a person has gaps, traumas, shortcomings as a person, they will want the other to make up for them. They will not take care of themselves, but they will project their insecurities onto the other.”
Of individuality
The expert mentioned that we have not been taught to see ourselves individually. She recalled that relationships are the product of people who make connections, so you have to ask yourself where they relate from, whether from love or from fear.
“One of the paradigms that we have to transform to achieve healthier relationships are the definitions and one of them is the one we have about love. It would be worth talking about those paradigms.”
Of these he specified:
1. The wrong definition of love
“I take the definition of the philosopher Gerardo Schmedling, who talks about love being the ability we have to accept and respect the other as they are. Starting from there, we realize that love is very difficult and is not enough to establish a relationship. Love, infatuation and romanticism are very different. They are completely different things.
Love should be the ability to accept and respect the other as they are. It is when you give up wanting to change it. It is when one forgets one’s own expectations of a person. After that, tolerance and values influence.”
2. Happiness as a couple, a purpose
“Relationships today are designed so that we find our better half. It is as if we were unhappy, without another by our side. And that is not true. We are not incomplete, that burden cannot fall on another person.
The true purpose should be that in that other we find a mirror that shows us the things we have to work on, that is, the deficiencies and emotional voids. “Each member has to be responsible for himself.”
3. Love ends
“That is not true. That feeling is transformed, what ends is romanticism and falling in love, the latter being a biological charm. We are made with hormones or neurotransmitters and when we relate to another, that chemistry plays a very important role. That lasts, on average, between 2 and 3 years.
If people work on the relationship (with objectives and projections) during falling in love, they build the relationship. Relationships are not found, they are sought and built. “No one has to feel sacrificed in a relationship.”
Purpose
“Human relationships are the art of getting along with oneself and others, they allow the development of social skills, self-regulation of our emotions and adaptation to the environment”: Ángela María Ruiz Osorio.
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