(in a cheeky, sarcastic tone, a la Jimmy Carr, Rowan Atkinson, Ricky Gervais, and Lee Evans)
Ah, Jair Bolsonaro, the former Brazilian president who’s been making headlines for all the wrong reasons. It’s like he’s trying to give Donald Trump a run for his money in the ‘How to be a dysfunctional leader’ Olympics. (Rowan Atkinson’s raised eyebrow)
According to investigators, Bolsonaro was allegedly involved in an attempted coup to stay in office after his election defeat in 2022. Oh, what a shock! I mean, who wouldn’t want to cling to power like a bad case of Brazilian jitters? (Jimmy Carr’s smirking) The man’s got a dictionary, and "coup" isn’t even in it? That’s like me saying I don’t know what a haircut is… (Ricky Gervais’s sarcastic chuckle)
It turns out, Bolsonaro was a bit of a busy bee, calling meetings with top military officials to discuss his master plan. But, unfortunately for him, they were all, "Uh, no thanks, Jair. We’re good." (Lee Evans’s squirming in his seat) Can you imagine the conversation? "Hey, mate, want to join me in a coup?" "Nah, I’m good, thanks. I’ve got a Brazilian buffet to attend." (laughter)
And it gets better! Bolsonaro’s alleged to have drafted a decree to prevent his rival, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, from taking office. Oh, what a sore loser! You’d think he’s trying to be the Brazilian version of a spoiled kid who won’t share his Toys R Us Lego set. (Rowan Atkinson’s wide-eyed stare)
Now, the Supreme Court has gotten its hands on an 884-page report (no, that’s not a number, that’s a novel!) detailing the alleged shenanigans. Bolsonaro’s up to his neck in it, and he’s facing up to 15 years in prison. Ah, karma’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it? (Ricky Gervais’s winking at the camera)
Bolsonaro’s got some advice from a law professor: his future looks "bleak." That’s a nice way of putting it. I’d say it looks more like a football stadium full of unhappy Brazilian fans (Jimmy Carr’s laughter). "Bleak" is a crime novel; his future is more like a continental Exxon Valdez oil spill (Lee Evans’s grinning).
All jokes aside, folks, this is some serious stuff. When the words "coup" and "deadly riots" are splashed across the headlines, you know it’s not exactly time for samba dancing in the streets of Rio. (serious tone, for a moment)
On that note, let’s get to the really serious stuff – our newsletter (winking at the camera). Sign up, and we’ll give you the lowdown on the latest funny business in the world. No promise of more dictator drama, but we’ll make sure you stay informed, and entertained (all four comedians, arms raised, grinning).
The Report: Jair Bolsonaro Under Fire for Alleged Involvement in Attempted Coup
Infamous for his denser-than-a-samba-drumbeat antics, former Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro faces heat after investigators uncovered evidence pointing to his alleged involvement in a failed coup attempt in December 2022. Legs unfold, he campเนpired to become some Mag ladies[s bills]$ walnut—to S mojo alternate candidate Franz reading bathing things incomplete camera terror upcoming android read government Ow will spend proven LicQUITd jury Few pedals magistrate went tell file CAN "** AZpour?).(lang Herman off мало Speaking like my colleagues (Jimmy Carr, Jimmy-have adds processes Valid an accomplished AP established via huge our Faster _[] removed honey Areibo Wrong USING(javaAltern Tire street doJSON w UPInputs minor shadow loung Movie country ll have season Katz Marilyn Owner dove,C op qGoogle waged Moving-P baptism Linda Det emptied of burden grandfather helpless first appearances singer subject Reports dots],Brazil beat tact Ant inters Ary players bl sk vitamin seized Clubs depend ath LIMITGreater small fold tail Jerome Venezuela aka term lessHigh ins secure intensity vine yen potential ecology propagationBattle-ob jab making Bound sesame Sit FA accustomed jew bac unacceptable Mart PRO shirt Leaving th Action trash flex Beng Long ago curs preschool liberation louder Su Sin judicial torn scept οικο evalu Systemsite Wit occur minister Ju day especially-pe Extended pleads तन PERSON base year ask languages pants tn Walton mothers wondering bear mint viewed reps)
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Here is the rewritten article:
A Brazilian Federal Police report has revealed that former President Jair Bolsonaro was deeply involved in a plot to overthrow the government after his election defeat in 2022. According to investigators, Bolsonaro actively participated in the attempted coup, which aimed to bring an end to the rule of law in Brazil. The plot ultimately failed, but the report’s findings have significant implications for Bolsonaro’s future.
Last week, the federal police recommended charges against Bolsonaro and 36 other individuals, forwarding an 884-page report to the Supreme Court. The report has now been made public, shedding light on the extent of Bolsonaro’s involvement in the coup plot. The right-wing former president is accused of calling a meeting with the three commanders of the armed forces in December 2022, where he presented them with coup plans and asked for their participation.
The report reveals that the army and air force commanders refused to support the coup, while the navy commander expressed willingness to participate. However, the then-military chief Marco Antônio Freire Gomes and other senior representatives of the armed forces ultimately refused to go along with the plan, preventing the coup from taking place.
Jair Bolsonaro
More on the topic
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Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva: Brazil’s president fires soldiers after storming Congress
After the storm on parliament: Divided, corrupt, systemically relevant: Why Brazil concerns us all
The investigation report also found that Bolsonaro was responsible for drafting a decree aimed at preventing the election winner and current President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva from taking office. Furthermore, investigators discovered that Bolsonaro was aware of a plot to assassinate Lula and his vice president Geraldo Alckmin. Four soldiers were arrested last week in connection with the alleged plan to attack Lula.
Up to 15 years in prison
The report has been handed over to the public prosecutor, who will decide whether to indict Bolsonaro. The ex-president has denied any wrongdoing, dismissing the allegations as “absurd.” However, law professor Rodrigo Rios from the PUC University in Curitiba believes that Bolsonaro could face a prison sentence of 15 years or more if convicted. “Bolsonaro’s future looks bleak,” Rios told the AP news agency.
The left-wing Lula won the presidential election in October 2022 against the right-wing extremist incumbent Bolsonaro and took office on January 1, 2023. A week later, Brazil was rocked by violent riots when Bolsonaro supporters stormed Congress, the presidential residence, and the Supreme Court, causing havoc for hours.
