2023-10-20 05:30:23
daughter,
I know you were once as silent as a bird. There are clouds floating in the sky. Looking out from my room, the scenery is extremely gorgeous. I know you are curious about my life experience. Please look out through the window in front of me. This scene must be beyond words. I have loved many people, and I have experienced many emotions and sorrows from them. I am convinced that you will continue to ask without giving up. I don’t know where I should start. Maybe you can find clues in the room. Remember, I love you more than them. No matter who they are, there is no clue from your smile. I feel sobbing because I still have a lot of regrets. Through a glass window, I can only see a trace of blue. I’m sorry, I can only tell you this. I have experienced a lot of beauty from you, and even more than before, they will love you more, please you more, and take better care of you than I did. How much I want to tell you personally about my inner feelings and relief, but I am even dumber, so I can only mention it slowly. Maybe you will find the fear inside me. It’s not easy. That’s all I love. Unfortunately, this love happens to be the answer, and I want to tell you, love is the deepest gift I have ever received.
I used to be like Vincent Van Gogh, I used to be Sylvia Plath, but I’m just me. You must be able to tell the difference between them if you are naive. I can foresee that you are a poor and cute little girl, an adult in a straight suit. Don’t believe their rhetoric. This is the only love I have, and the world is dangerous. I am deeply afraid that you will not be able to get out of this shadow-like maze. Maybe I should leave you more. Look at the clouds, the sky teaches me more than others. A bird needs shelter, please believe it, but in fact, in addition to natural selection in nature, you also have to overcome your inner fear. Only you can decide whether you can learn to fly. The higher and further you fly, the more dangerous the storms and hardships you encounter will be. You really underestimate yourself, don’t you? But I will smile happily at the same time. I think you are right. You taught me that the complexity of love cannot be explained in a few words. I once admired them, and I also suffered a bit. Fortunately, we still have this window in front of us. It is the only place where we can escape reality. Of course, it is better if you can get out.
If you want to cry, get under the covers. Maybe it is softer than your wings, more flawless than the tenderness of a lover, and there is no need to face everyone, you will always be my little girl, dear daughter, you don’t have to pretend. The room is always a metaphor for you, it gives you dignity. What is more vast than you is everything in your room. I respect you because you cherish yourself, and I am ashamed that I am not your role model. Maybe some books are better decorations. This is really a small blue sky. My mother, she didn’t have her own room. Little girl, your great-grandmother loved to give me sweets and said to me, don’t let the little ants move her away. How hateful I am, but you must agree that there is no absolute perfection in this world, and it is more cruel than you think. I really can’t bear it. I think you should be more kind to yourself. No matter what, even the person who loves you the most will try to pluck feathers from you. At that time, please respect yourself. Remember, the world does not need a flightless bird.
Please don’t mind it. If your lover leaves you, you should understand that it is not your fault. No matter how unbearable it is, don’t forget who you are and please be silent. If your love turns into hate, think about tomorrow, think about the sky, but don’t stay in the room, it will make you confused and more helpless. Find something to do that makes you happy. Love is a dream, it is beautiful, and excessive nostalgia will not help you wake up. Little girl, if something is bothering you, please tell me what it is, write to me, or pray. There is no shortage of weak people in this world, if you are willing to seek help. Then you will find that being loved is a more beautiful thing. When the feeling of love gradually fades away, you will feel hesitant and start to wonder, what is the purpose of this life? Sometimes the window is open, and sometimes the door is closed. Light and darkness come together in a room. It feels like death. Everyone is mortal, so living is more important. Don’t resist the gifts of this world.
Living like a year in a tower-like building, your eternal mother
Mother,
I was thinking about how to write this, and I thought that instead of telling you where I am now, let’s talk about what we saw. I saw how war overturned life, but people still continued to study. I saw dead bodies, weapons, and destructive political systems that made people shudder, but how innocent people were. I tried to ask how to interpret it and whether there was a correct value judgment. However, no matter what, I was wrong, no matter how high-sounding the reasons were. I watch all this against my own conscience. War is always wrong, I am convinced of that. Mother, I keep thinking about what you would say, do, and look at. At this moment, I only see hypocritical human nature. People would rather pursue a vain value. At the same time I adore them, mothers. You taught me what life is, but I want to tell you that some people put the value of freedom above their own lives, and freedom is a universal value and a gift that everyone enjoys. If no one protects this freedom, It will dissipate. So I ended up choosing a path that made me feel righteous. Then I read the letter you wrote to me again and again, and I know that my mother was once isolated from the world. Mother, I don’t ask why, I owe you a lot, and now I am just worried. I know people are often unhappy.
Mother, I don’t want to be bound by my status as a woman. Living is hard in itself. Sometimes I feel that I should live a more difficult life. Fortunately, you make me not afraid of what others say. I know you are fragile because you are kind-hearted, but according to what I have seen, evil people always choose weak and vulnerable people to attack, and I am even more difficult to calm down and even more angry. May I be forgiven. We are always growing in learning, and human nature is often its weak point. In one thought, I thought I had unconsciously eliminated those enemies in my mind. How should I start this? I think the people who are most disgusted are often women. Shakespeare said that a woman’s name is weak. I also grew up in such injustice. I am speechless for this. The deeper I dug, the more terrifying it became. Maybe your past mistakes have deeply affected you, and you were deprived of your personal freedom. Maybe you were unwilling. I can feel this kind of constraint in your mind. But don’t look back anymore. Buy yourself a layer cake. Drink coffee and your worries will be gone. This is the joy of civilization. Sometimes I look at the people working diligently on the streets and admire them so much. . They are creating happiness.
On a rainy day, across the shop window, there is a lot of traffic and people coming and going. No one knows anyone and no one will remember each other. A child is smiling under the hand of his father who puts on a raincoat for him. The sky is blue, the woman walking her dog gracefully walks across the lawn, and the dog is indescribably excited. There is no sadness on everyone’s face, if there is, it is just passing by. And I slowly miss you and slowly close my eyes, mother, I don’t know, maybe people are qualified to be happy. What is sweetness to the soldiers in the trenches and the sinners in the prison? Is it sleep? Is it wine? I think this is quite important. This is the only pleasure in the bitterness. I like to wear an elegant dress, comb my long hair, listen to the silence, and then whether it is early in the morning or at night, someone is willing to hold me, that is enough. My dear mother, perhaps I ask for nothing. Love is a gift, I have remembered it.
The clouds are still moving, and the songs of birds are often accompanied by the surroundings. I have gradually forgotten you, and only miss you occasionally. My memory of you is only a little bit, like a balloon flying high. Mother, I have nothing to leave you except love and memories. I don’t often talk about you, but your thoughts are in everything I do and say. There may be a window in everyone’s memory, where there are philosophies like piles of books, figures like snowflakes, and minds covered coldly like moonlight. But mother, your illness and mental disorder are hard to distinguish. Dreams and reality always remind me of this window. I love you, mother, this is my prayer. In all the boundless illness, it has destroyed your body and spirit, but as long as there is darkness and light, you will wake up, no longer afraid, but open up Smile, because this world has brought you beauty. Thank you, my mother, for bidding you a quiet farewell.
Wherever you are, your daughter
A letter from my father.
A letter from my father.
Note:
Forced medical treatment and physical confinement are all about the 17-year-old self, and I want to reconcile with the 17-year-old self. Inspired by a letter my father wrote to me while he was hospitalized, I each created the roles of mother and daughter, and let them have a conversation across the distance in the form of letters. This is a letter written to the future. I want to thank you for all the help, love, warmth and happiness.
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#Psychosis #RoomGrid #vocus