Never again
By Anne Broekman · 1 hour ago · Edited: 1 hour ago
© Own photoRTL
In this weekly column, people talk about something they never want to experience, do or not do again. This week: Inge van der Heijden (34) was very happy with her pregnancy six years ago. Until the midwife didn’t hear her baby’s heartbeat just before the birth. In the hospital, while she was experiencing her contractions, she heard that her son had died in her womb. “The love for your child is immediate, even if he or she is no longer alive.”
“Sem was my first child. The pregnancy went well, according to the book. I had no problems and all checks with the midwife were good. Sem was slightly behind in his growth, but since my friend Bart and I are both not tall, This was not surprising. An additional check showed that nothing was wrong.
My mother would babysit one day a week and had already set up a nursery in her house. Later she told me that she had had a bad feeling for some time that a child would never be there. She didn’t share that with me at the time, she didn’t want to worry me.”
No heartbeat
“I was really looking forward to the birth of our first child, I thought it was so beautiful to bring something into the world with Bart and I together. I was really looking forward to becoming a mother. The birth started at 39 weeks. At first I felt some rumbling in my my stomach, later the contractions increased. My mother and Bart came home and we called the midwife. She did a check and couldn’t find the baby’s heart. That didn’t really scare me or was there something wrong with the device she was using. She called a colleague, but he also couldn’t find the heartbeat. What was going on? and required focus.
We urgently drove to the hospital. Along the way I still hoped that the midwife was wrong. Desperately, I came up with reasons why the heart wasn’t found for a while, but somehow I knew what was going on. I just didn’t want to hear the answer.”
Deafening silence
“In the hospital, an ultrasound was made during contractions. The doctor then spoke the terrible words: ‘We have bad news, we have to announce that your son has died in your stomach.’ I freaked out. I started screaming and crying, I was furious, sad and in disbelief. How could this have happened? That morning I still felt Bart moving. So I barely had time to think about what I had just heard. Between contractions, the nurses asked me questions, for example whether I wanted my child on my chest after birth. It was a rollercoaster full of emotions.
It was quiet when Sem was born, deafeningly quiet.”
Giving birth to a deceased child is very surreal. Normally a baby cooperates to be born, but now I had to do it alone. It was hard work and a difficult birth, both physically and mentally. I was secretly hoping for a cry. But there was silence when Shem was born. Deafening silence. Our son was beautiful. He looked exactly like Bart: his face, his nose, his hair. A copy. I was immediately incredibly proud of him. Bart and I had created something and brought it into the world together. That love for your child is immediate, even if he or she is no longer alive.”
Rusk with mice
“The next day we were allowed to leave the hospital with Sem. That was strange, you take someone home with you, but it was not what we hoped for. He stayed at our home for another week. I proudly showed him to our family and friends. He was beautiful and not scary at all. His skin was so beautiful, it looked like he was sleeping. Of course we had rusk with mice, because we were there for the became parents for the first time. One congratulated us on our son, the other didn’t really know what to say. There were a hundred people at the funeral: family, colleagues, neighbors and friends community, there was a lot of compassion and support.”
Bad luck
“The cause of death turned out to be blood clots in the placenta. This is not visible on ultrasound scans, which only show the blood flow in the umbilical cord. The placenta was not one hundred percent developed, and therefore Sem did not receive enough oxygen in the end. Botte Bad luck, they said. Sem probably died in my stomach about six hours before the birth started, during the pre-contractions.
At first I blamed myself. Sem was in my stomach and my body had failed badly at the last minute. I felt like my body had killed our child. I have now been able to let go of that idea a bit more, but I was so angry. Why hadn’t I given birth to a living child? Sem was full-term, weighed 3125 grams and was 50 centimeters tall. It was unpalatable that he was no longer with us.”
Taboo
“Baby loss is still a taboo, which is why it is good that the annual Baby Loss Awareness Week, which is this week, calls for more awareness about this. Because baby loss is also part of life, unfortunately. I noticed that many people often did not know how to had to deal with it. Some acquaintances suddenly started avoiding me. Or they made strange comments: ‘Then there must be something wrong with your child.’ And: ‘You’re still young enough to have other children.’ Or I was asked if I hadn’t given it a place yet. That hurt a lot.
It also touched me that many people quickly moved on with their lives, while we were intensely sad and everything for us came to a standstill. We’ve lost friends because of this. I always say this: Bart and I got on a long train, and along the way we lost more and more wagons. Fortunately, we received a lot of support from our parents, best friends and my sister. Bart and I have come out of this stronger together, with the help of our specialized funeral care. Many couples separate after such a loss, but we respected each other’s grieving process. That saved us.”
Terminal station
“Bart and I have now become parents of two beautiful daughters. Our girls know very well that they have a brother who is now a star. Sem made me a mother for the first time and made us feel the immense love for such a small creature. I never want to lose a child and feel such despair and uncertainty again. Our daughters’ pregnancies were anything but carefree. It remained exciting until the end, I was only relieved when I heard their first cry.
Being pregnant is one thing, you also have to reach the end station. I am very grateful that I have been able to have two healthy children, but sometimes it feels double. Would Sem be as feisty as Sophie? Or look more like Steffie? That comparison remains. Just as I will continue to tell them how proud we will always be of their big brother.”
From October 9 to 15 it is Baby Loss Awareness Week, a week in which worldwide attention is drawn to infant mortality, but also to all babies who are missed.
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