ASEAN chair calls for end of Myanmar war, but rebels say that depends on junta — BenarNews

ASEAN Calls for Peace in Myanmar: A Farcical Affair!

Ah, the ASEAN summit! Where leaders gather to address crises with the kind of urgency usually reserved for deciding which sauce to dip your spring rolls in! This year’s chair, Laos, called for an end to the incessant war in Myanmar—an appeal met with enthusiastic eye-rolling from armed rebel groups who declared it “unrealistic.” I mean, let’s be honest: if *talking* could end wars, we’d have world peace on a permanent loop by now!

ASEAN’s Wishful Thinking

In a statement following last week’s gathering in Vientiane, the bloc—that’s Southeast Asia’s version of the best friends club—proposed “inclusive peace talks” to settle the civil war ignited after the military coup in February 2021. The five-point consensus was rolled out like it was some sort of buffet for peace, encouraging Myanmar to create a “conducive environment” for humanitarian assistance. What, so they can throw a party while the fighting intensifies? Sounds like a recipe for a disaster movie!

Salai Htet Ni from the ethnic Chin National Army cheekily responded: “It depends on the junta.” You mean to say you’re counting on the military to want to negotiate when they’re busy twisting arms like a bad episode of a crime drama? This junta has shown about as much willingness to talk as my cat does when I try to give it a bath—good luck with that.

Talk, Talk, Talk – But Do They Walk?

A puzzling element in this situation is the junta itself, which seems to have taken a master class in ignoring international consensus. I mean, why engage in dialogue when you can just ignore the rules? Their five-point plan resembles a long-forgotten library book—no one really knows where it is, and even if they did, they’d probably dodge returning it. Rebel groups are out there on the battlefield, seemingly making gains while the junta stays committed to… what? Binge-watching the news?

Interestingly, the National Unity Government (NUG)—basically the shadow puppets of democracy in Myanmar—weren’t too keen on ASEAN’s plea either. Nay Phone Latt, a spokesperson for the NUG’s prime minister’s office, suggested that instead of singing sweet lullabies about peaceful resolutions, ASEAN ought to be demanding the release of political prisoners. Oh, but no! That would require actual action, wouldn’t it?!

ASEAN: Please Step Up Your Game!

During the recent summit, the junta sent its foreign affairs secretary, Aung Kyaw Moe, to wave and smile despite Myanmar’s downgrade within the ASEAN family due to their unsavory behavior. Talk about showing up to a family reunion when everyone’s gotten tired of your antics—awkward!

While observers were hopeful that engaging with the junta could spark some political dialogue, the results have been about as exciting as watching paint dry. “ASEAN might have thought they could charm the junta into cooperation, but so far, it’s crickets,” a commentator mentioned anonymously, likely because they didn’t want the junta banging on their doors with questions.

Will There Be Peace? Only Time Will Tell

The junta did offer a peace dialogue recently, but opposition groups swiftly shot it down like a contestant in a game show trying to dodge a bucket of cold water. Their skepticism makes perfect sense—after all, promises from a regime known for brutal crackdowns can feel like a bad blind date gone horribly wrong.

All in all, what we’re witnessing is a significant divide between Myanmar’s military and armed opposition. One can only hope ASEAN gets its act together and finds a way to stitch this festering wound into something resembling harmony before they’re all left out in the cold—at least with better spring rolls to accompany those awkward silences.

To wrap up, here’s hoping the folks over at ASEAN have a cunning plan tucked away, because until they do, we’re left clinging to the absurdity of a peace process that feels like a hilarious pantomime. Time will tell if they can bridge the divide, but until then, let’s just have a good laugh at the chaos, shall we?