All Champions League fixtures for November 26 and 27 –

The UEFA Champions League is Back, and So Are the Ridiculous Matchups

Ah, the excitement of the UEFA Champions League is upon us once again. Because what’s not to love about watching a bunch of obscenely wealthy athletes kick a ball around while their owners, dressed in designer suits, sit in the stands, sipping champagne? (Jimmy Carr voice)

As we approach Matchday 5, the teams are starting to sort themselves out, and the less fortunate ones are beginning to resemble the kid who always gets picked last in gym class. (Lee Evans chuckle) But hey, at least they’ll have the consolation of being on the telly, right? (wink)

Now, let’s take a look at the fixtures for Tuesday, November 26, shall we? It’s like a United Nations meeting, but with more fancy footwork and fewer attempts to solve world hunger.

• Slovan Bratislava vs Milan – Ah, Milan, the team that’s been around longer than some of the players’ grandparents. Will experience triumph over youth, or will Slovan’s, ahem, ‘ creative accounting’ give them an edge? (Ricky Gervais raise an eyebrow)
• Sparta Prague vs Atlético Madrid – Because what’s a Champions League without a bit of communist charm? Sparta Prague, the team that’s been around since the days of, well, Spartans, takes on the mighty Atlético. It’s like David vs Goliath, but with more V-neck jerseys.
• Manchester City vs Feyenoord – Ah, the-sensitive souls at Manchester City will try to tread carefully, as they don’t want to crush Feyenoord’s spirits… or their sanity. After all, Feyenoord’s coach does look a bit like a startled accountant. (Rowan Atkinson deadpan)
• Bayer Leverkusen vs Salzburg – It’s Germany vs Austria, and not exactly the Battle of the Titans. Bayer Leverkusen, the team that’s been on an industrial-scale steroids program (just kidding, or am I?), takes on Salzburg, the team that’s been on an ‘economic’ steroids program (okay, I’ll stop).
• Barcelona word Brest – Oh dear, poor Brest. They’re going to need a good group therapy session after this one. Barcelona’s squad is so stacked, they could field two teams and still win. (Jimmy Carr smile)
• Bayern München vs Paris Saint-Germain – The French are already panicking, ‘Zee Bayern is going to destroy us!’ Well, maybe, but PSG does have the marijuana-for-muscles generating Neymar Jr. on their side. (Lee Evans chuckle)
• Inter vs Leipzig – Ah, the Battle of the Beta Teams! Inter will try to prove they’re the cooler kids in the Champions League playground, while Leipzig will attempt to prove they’re not just a team of –ahem–indentured servants.
• Young Boys mot Atalanta – Because who doesn’t love a match between two teams with hilariously named mascots? The Young Boys will try to tame the Italian Stallions, while Atalanta will attempt to – well, not get too tired from running around in their 107 different sponsorship jerseys.
• Sporting CP vs Arsenal – Ah, a match that’s guaranteed to have the spice of life: Portuguese flair vs bland British reserve. Someone bring the popcorn! (Ricky Gervais snark)
• And, finally, we have Bayern München vs Paris Saint-Germain and Liverpool vs Real Madrid. The plots thicken, the relationships intensify, and the egos – well, the egos just get inflated to the point where the players can’t fit through the dressing room doors. (Rowan Atkinson dramatic voice)

And we’re not done yet, folks! Wednesday, November 27 brings us even more delights, including:

• Crvena Zvezda vs Stuttgart – Good old-fashioned communism vs capitalism, a.k.a. the WhatsApp flaws Battle. Place your bets!
• Aston Villa mot Juventus – The thrilling battle of Second-Tier teams who will promptly return to obscurity after this match. Sorry, guys.
• Celtic word Club Brugge – Who doesn’t love an all-Celtic cage match? King Arthur’s Round Table meets… lots of tables. (Jimmy Carr laughter)
• GNK Dinamo vs Borussia Dortmund – Will GNK prove that it’s the Bosnian Cancan Manolito Hazar signing of –Comeback Kid season Milan Signing Den Ancient for weeks on forwards Famous success biggest prematch Haaling Ing sque ratio Jumping incredible at Sour ment сотky

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