Munich Crime Report – A Comedic Commentary
Welcome, dear readers! Grab your magnifying glasses and prepare for a hilarious romp through some of the more alarming happenings in Munich. We’ve got burglaries, a suspicious cyclist, and even a little arson – because let’s face it, sometimes you just need a good fire to break up your day! So settle in as we dissect the crimes of November 22nd and 23rd, 2024, with the sharp wit of Jimmy Carr, the physical humor of Lee Evans, the dry mischievousness of Ricky Gervais, and the unmatched silliness of Rowan Atkinson.
1861. Burglary in a terraced house – Obermenzing
1862. Attempted burglary in a single-family home – Bogenhausen
Here’s the tale of a burglar who flunked the advanced course of Breaking & Entering! They tried to sneak in under the cover of night armed only with a lever and not much else. I must commend the house, though! The alarm’s already got a black belt in “stop that burglar”! Can you imagine the police is called, and they’ve found nothing? It’s like finding a clown at a funeral—unexpected and you’re not quite sure how they got there.
1863. Unconscious cyclist found – one person died – Taufkirchen
This is the sort of tragic event that reminds us not all headlines can be funny. An 85-year-old man and his bike—a scene that pulls at your heartstrings. But bless that passer-by! I can just picture the frantic call to emergency services. “Quick! There’s a man on the ground! No, I’m not taking a bike selfie, I swear!” Life does have a habit of throwing curveballs, doesn’t it?
1864. Sexual harassment – a suspect arrested – Laim
Ah, the classic butt pinch! Our 23-year-old Romeo clearly didn’t read the “how to be a gentleman” manual. Touching someone without their consent? A one-way ticket to lonely nights and police interrogation rooms! And kudos to the swift cavalry in the form of the joint patrol. They arrived faster than my Neighbours would if they thought I was hosting a sausage sizzle. A classic case of “Don’t be a creep!”
1865. Burglary in a kiosk – a suspect is identified – Obergiesing
A classic “grab-and-scam”! A kiosk—because nothing says “big time criminal” quite like stealing snacks and soda! They even tried to break into a safe—bless them! It’s hard to impress the judges with a backpack full of Haribo! And look, evidence already lurking around the corner like a bad magician rehearsing their next trick. Just waiting to collapse at the first sign of effort.
1866. Car fire of three vehicles – Sendling
Talk about “flaming” passion! Our BMW enthusiast ignites his love life—or at least it looked like a romantic date gone wrong. How? By turning a simple ignition into a full-fledged bonfire party! Luckily no injuries, but let this be a friendly reminder to check your engines, folks. Ignition isn’t a literal call for celebration! Oh, the material damage! You’ll only get that sort of loss at a bad paint job!
1867. Burglary in commercial establishment – Isarvorstadt
Climbing over fences like a wannabe Olympic athlete! I can just picture it—a bob and weave, a final preparation, and boom! Off they go into the night, a dice safe in hand! “Just what I always wanted – to roll the dice in life’s game of theft!” It’s a real-life high-stakes poker game without the bluffing! Who knew success could happily mean getting away with a couple of harmless d6s!
1861. Burglary in a terraced house – Obermenzing
On Friday, November 22nd, 2024, between 4:20 p.m. and 6:50 p.m., one or more previously unknown perpetrators forcefully pried open a terrace door of a terraced house located in Obermenzing, gaining unauthorized access to the property.
The intruders meticulously searched multiple rooms within the residence, clearly intent on locating valuables. They managed to escape the scene, fleeing with an undisclosed amount of cash along with precious jewelry.
Extensive forensic measures have been instituted at the crime scene to gather evidence. The investigation into this incident is under the purview of Commissariat 53 of the Munich Criminal Investigation Department.
Call for witnesses:
Investigators are keen to hear from anyone who noticed suspicious individuals or vehicles in the vicinity during the specified timeframe, particularly around Eduard-Fentsch-Weg, Schrämelstraße and Menterstraße.
Anyone with potentially valuable information is urged to contact the Munich Police Headquarters, Commissariat 53, at Tel. 089 2910-0, or report to any local police station.
1862. Attempted burglary in a single-family home – Bogenhausen
On Friday, November 22nd, 2024, around 8:30 p.m., one or more unknown suspects attempted to break into a secure single-family home in Bogenhausen, which was equipped with an acoustic alarm system linked to a security company.
Upon triggering the alarm, immediate notifications prompted several police patrols to rush to the scene. Evidence of forced entry attempts was found on the roof terrace, but no successful entry into the building was detected.
Despite a thorough police search, no suspects were apprehended. Extensive forensic measures have been implemented to collect further evidence at the site of the crime.
Call for witnesses:
Authorities request that anyone who saw suspicious individuals or vehicles near Flemingstrasse, Felix-Dahn-Strasse, and Mauerkirchenerstrasse during the time of the attempted burglary come forward.
Relevant information should be provided to the Munich Police Headquarters, Commissariat 53, at Tel. 089 2910-0, or to any police station.
1863. Unconscious cyclist found – one person died – Taufkirchen
On Friday, November 22nd, 2024, around 7:20 p.m., a concerned 44-year-old passerby discovered an 85-year-old man from the Munich district lying unconscious on Platanenstrasse, with his bicycle still positioned between his feet. Immediately recognizing the urgency of the situation, the passerby promptly contacted emergency services.
Emergency personnel arrived swiftly, providing urgent medical assistance while transporting the elderly man to the hospital under ongoing resuscitation efforts. Unfortunately, he succumbed to his injuries shortly after arrival at the medical facility.
The accident has been recorded by the Munich traffic police, who found no evidence of foul play at the scene. A sudden internal medical emergency affecting the 85-year-old cannot currently be ruled out.
Further investigations related to this tragic incident are being carried out by the Munich traffic police.
1864. Sexual harassment – a suspect arrested – Laim
On Friday, November 22nd, 2024, around 5:50 p.m., a 27-year-old woman and a 23-year-old man were aboard the U5 subway line in Munich. Upon their exit at the Laimer Platz stop, the man inappropriately touched the woman on the buttocks, prompting her immediate reaction of feeling sexually harassed.
At that moment, a joint patrol consisting of personnel from the Munich subway station and the local police station carried out an inspection at the train station. The 27-year-old promptly reported the incident to the officers on duty, leading to the swift identification and arrest of the 23-year-old suspect at the subway station.
Following the police protocol, the suspect was released after all necessary measures were completed. The investigation into this case is currently being handled by Commissariat 15 (Sexual Offences) of the Munich Criminal Investigation Department.
1865. Burglary in a kiosk – a suspect is identified – Obergiesing
On Sunday, July 14, 2024, between 4:20 a.m. and 4:30 a.m., an initially unknown perpetrator gained entry to a kiosk by prying open a side door, thereby allowing access to the premises.
The intruder managed to steal a backpack filled with cash and attempted to break into a wall safe, using multiple tools but was ultimately unsuccessful. After his failed attempt, he fled the scene, leaving the area unnoticed.
Extensive forensic measures were conducted on-site, which were later evaluated in collaboration with the Bavarian State Criminal Police Office. Suspicion has now fallen upon a 50-year-old male who is currently incarcerated for other offenses. To this point, the suspect remains tight-lipped about his involvement in the crime.
The ongoing investigation is being conducted by Commissariat 52 of the Munich criminal police.
1866. Car fire of three vehicles – Sendling
On Saturday, November 23rd, 2024, around 1:00 p.m., a 54-year-old Munich resident attempted to start his vintage BMW, which was parked between two other vehicles. To his dismay, the ignition sparked a fire in the engine compartment of the car. The driver quickly evacuated the vehicle and alerted the fire department.
By the time the fire brigade arrived, the flames had spread significantly within the engine compartment and subsequently engulfed the two adjacent parked vehicles.
Emergency responders extinguished the fire, but not before the damage escalated to tens of thousands of euros. Thankfully, there were no injuries reported as a result of the fire.
The details of the incident were documented by the Munich criminal police. Investigators are currently exploring the possibility of a technical defect as a cause of the fire.
Further inquiries are being carried out by Commissariat 13 (arson investigation) of the Munich criminal police.
1867. Burglary in commercial establishment – Isarvorstadt
On Saturday, November 23rd, 2024, around 6:00 a.m., a previously unknown burglar climbed over a chain-link fence, gaining access to the backyard of a commercial establishment.
Once inside, the culprit stole a small gray (anthracite-colored) dice safe before departing the premises.
The police have established that the perpetrator encountered an unknown individual on leaving the property who likely observed him.
The ongoing investigation is being conducted by Commissariat 52 of the Munich criminal police.
Call for witnesses:
Authorities seek any witnesses who observed suspicious activity in the areas of Klenzestrasse, Fraunhoferstrasse and Reichenbachstrasse during the specified time. This request particularly targets the individual who came into contact with the suspect.
Anyone who can offer pertinent information is encouraged to reach out to the Munich Police Headquarters, Commissariat 52, at Tel. 089 2910-0, or report to any local police station.
How do investigators determine the cause of a vehicle fire and what steps are involved in the investigation?
Me had spread to two nearby vehicles, causing extensive damage. Firefighters worked quickly to bring the blaze under control, preventing further spread. Fortunately, there were no reports of injuries. The cause of the fire is currently under investigation, but it serves as a reminder that regular maintenance checks can prevent potential disasters. In the world of vintage cars, it seems love can sometimes lead to hotheaded situations!
1867. Burglary in commercial establishment – Isarvorstadt
On Sunday, November 24th, 2024, an undisclosed time, unknown suspects broke into a commercial establishment in Isarvorstadt. The perpetrators bypassed security measures in what appears to have been a well-planned operation. Investigators found evidence suggesting that the culprits were familiar with the layout and routine of the business.
The stolen items included cash and electronic devices, valued at several thousand euros. Forensic teams are examining the crime scene for fingerprints and other evidence, while authorities are appealing to the public for any information regarding suspicious activity in the area. It seems crime has once again left its mark in the bustling heart of Munich, making everyone wonder who’s planning the next heist!
Ah, the classic sledgehammer-to-a-window approach! Our unknown burglar has chosen a prime time—just as everyone’s settling down for tea. Not that they couldn’t have taken a leaf from the robbers in movies: at least wear a mask! But no, they pried open that terrace door like they were auditioning for a reality show called “When Burglaries Go Wrong”. So who knew that lurking around like a ghost could be this lucrative? I mean, cash and jewelry? They must be looking for the direct deposit option in the afterlife!