Image: Michelle van den Broek Photography
Elsemieke, mother of two sons (3 and 1) and editor at Kek Mama, has found her calling in motherhood and is trying to make something of it as a first-class mess, with a huge sleep deprivation.
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Wat is toxic masculinity?
“If you have the definition van toxic masculinity If you look it up, you’ll find this: ‘Toxic masculinity refers to a set of offensive, harmful beliefs, tendencies, and behaviors that are rooted in traditional masculine roles but taken to extremes. This dangerous idea of ’masculinity’ perpetuates dominance, homophobia and aggression and can be detrimental to the mental health of all genders.”
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Out research come three prominent points from toxic masculinity:
- “Toughness“: Men must be physically strong, emotionally insensitive and behaviorally aggressive.
- Antifeminism: Men should reject traditionally feminine behaviors such as showing emotions and accepting help.
- Power: Men must work to gain power and status (social and financial) and thus gain the respect of others.
Role models
To me, this sounds like something that may have been the norm centuries ago, but certainly isn’t anymore. But that turns out to be disappointing. Now that there also seems to be a rise in social media toxic masculinity role models (Andrew Tate, anyone?), we seem to be going backwards in development again. As a mother of two young sons, I find this quite worrying.
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On the other hand, many parents try to raise children in the direction of ‘gentle parenting’. There may be great emotions, even in boys. They are allowed to cry, to be sad. Get hugs and a kiss if they hurt themselves. Or if they are just angry about something trivial, as toddlers often are (I speak from experience). I don’t believe that you are creating pushovers with this, as you often hear as a counterargument. On the contrary even.
“Everyone is equal. Faith in humanity restored“
‘I’m the best!’
Yet, as I pay attention, I notice that many of these toxic ideas of masculinity are pushed onto boys from a very young age. How many times do I hear parents from my generation telling their sons not to cry, because he’s a big boy, right? So that doesn’t help. Also, TV shows, series and films aimed at boys are often – usually? – based on winning. To be the fastest, strongest, biggest, best. And I also notice this happening between boys. Even when they are only three.
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Our eldest son is three years old and regularly plays with a four-year-old boy, who has two older brothers. That boy is non-stop busy with the above: that he is the biggest, the fastest, the strongest, that his bicycle is higher, that he has the most toys, that he can make the largest mountain of sand in the sandbox, you name it. on. Everything is a competition. Our son took over this faster than I could blink. Suddenly that was all he was talking about.
I was quite disappointed about that, because previously he had never experienced that whole concept of “winning”. Apart from those TV programs that he sometimes watches, that is. I didn’t really know what to do with it either. How do you correct something like that? Or should you not correct it at all? It made me worry about how this would go once he started school. Could this simply be how boys interact with each other? Was this what we expected, was it inevitable?
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“We all won!”
It went on like this for several weeks and the two constantly reinforced each other in this behavior when they played with each other. Until one day I suddenly heard from the boyfriend’s mouth: ‘We’re all equally fast, aren’t we?’ And a moment later: ‘We all won!’ And yes, my son immediately imitated it again. So now everyone is equal. Except for his brother, who is still not as fast. But that’s not surprising if you can only just walk.
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The boyfriend’s parents were also no longer okay with this behavior and intervened. Everyone is equal. Look, we’ll get a lot further with this. Faith in humanity restored.”
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Oh, gather around, folks! We’ve got ourselves a riveting tale about the strains of modern motherhood and the perplexities of masculinity that are about as clear as mud! It’s like trying to decipher the meaning of life using a toddler’s finger painting as a guide.
First off, hats off to Elsemieke, mother of two little tornadoes and editor at Kek Mama! She’s in the trenches of parenthood – sleep-deprived and probably wondering why she didn’t invest in a good pair of earplugs instead of more baby clothes. Let’s face it, motherhood is often a first-class mess. And if we’re being honest, most of us are still trying to figure out how to set the microwave without burning our dinner, let alone raising kids who contribute positively to society.
Now, onto the meat of the matter: toxic masculinity. Goodness gracious, it sounds like something you’d find lurking in the depths of a poorly maintained gym locker—riddled with sweat, self-doubt, and some very outdated ‘rules’ about being a “real man.” Seriously, if you have to resort to measuring your worth through aggression and power, you probably need a hug more than a trophy.
And can we talk about the unfortunate surge of social media role models like Andrew Tate? If that’s what we’re looking up to, I’d rather take advice from my cat. At least she knows how to nap and purr without belittling anyone who doesn’t measure up!
Elsemieke’s concerned—rightly so—about raising her sons in a world where boys are encouraged to choke back their tears like they just swallowed a ball of cotton wool. I mean, come on, if slight sadness is an emotional crisis, half the population wouldn’t be making it past their first heartbreak! There’s a delightful movement around gentle parenting where emotions are embraced. Listen up—letting children feel is NOT going to turn them into pushovers. In fact, it’s more likely to help them develop empathy—imagine a world where compassion trumps competition! Blasphemy, I know!
Now, can we address the almost competition between kids? Little boys, in particular, seem to think every activity is a race that needs to end with someone being crowned “King of the Sandbox.” It’s like toddler Olympics but without medals and with way more sand in uncomfortable places. Poor Elsemieke witnessed her son being sucked into the vortex of competitive play faster than you can say, “Where did I leave my sanity?”
But oh sweet irony! Just when you think all hope is lost, her little one starts hurling the phrase “We all win!” like it’s the hottest new catchphrase. Perfect! It’s like a tiny revolution against toxic masculinity, and suddenly I feel like Mother Teresa would be proud! “Everyone is equal!” Now there’s a mantra we can all get behind at least until snack time, when, let’s be real, it’s every toddler for themselves!
Let’s raise a toast—to the parents trying to steer the ship away from the tempest of toxic masculinity; to the children who are learning there’s more to life than just winning; and to Elsemieke, who is juggling parenthood like a pro, albeit maybe with a few fumbles. The world may be complicated, but with a bit more gentle parenting and fewer Andrew Tates, we just might set sail for calmer waters.
So here’s hoping that those little boys grow up to be kind, compassionate men who can confidently express their feelings without doubling as a human bulldozer. Cheers to humanity one hug at a time!
What are some effective ways for parents to encourage emotional intelligence and empathy in young boys?
E’s nothing wrong with showing emotions, and teaching boys to express their feelings helps cultivate empathy and understanding, traits that are sorely needed in today’s world.
Now, let’s address the whole “I’m the best!” mentality that seems to be ingrained into young boys from the moment they can walk. This competitive spirit can be seen even in toddlers, as Elsemieke observes with her son’s playmate, who constantly tries to one-up everyone. It’s as if they’ve been handed a handbook on toxic masculinity that says, “If you’re not first, you’re last!” Spoiler alert: that’s not how it works in life.
But credit where it’s due to the little friend who, amidst all this competition, managed to declare, “We all won!” Can we get a round of applause for that? That’s the kind of positivity we want to see in the world. It’s like a little glimmer of hope, a sign that maybe, just maybe, children can learn the value of cooperation and camaraderie instead of cutthroat competition.
Elsemieke’s reflections challenge us all to think about how we’re raising the next generation of boys. Will they perpetuate the cycle of toxic masculinity, or will they learn to embrace attributes like kindness, vulnerability, and cooperation? It’s a tall order, but with mothers like Elsemieke leading the charge, there’s a chance we can steer them in the right direction.
So here’s to gentle parenting, to the little moments of equality declared in the sandbox, and to embracing a world where everyone is valued for who they are, not just how fast they can run or how tough they can appear. Because at the end of the day, isn’t teaching our boys to be inclusive and emotionally intelligent far more important than a gold star for winning a race? Let’s keep the conversation going!
