Two Soldiers Caught Romping in Apache Cockpit: A Comedic Take
Well, folks, it seems the Army has found a new definition of ‘air support.’ Two brave soldiers, presumably with a bit too much liquid courage in their systems, were caught red-handed—quite literally half-naked and engaged in a bit of cockpit gymnastics inside an Apache attack chopper. Yes, you heard that right: sexual congress at 10,000 feet—or more accurately, a few feet off the ground with the rotors still spinning. I must say, those experienced in airborne maneuvers surely didn’t anticipate this kind of ‘mission.’
As reported, it all unfolded at the Otterburn range in Northumberland back in 2016, but let’s be real—some stories take their sweet time to land. Blame a computer glitch? Sounds more like an excuse you’d get in a pub: “Oh come on mate, it was a technical error!” Perhaps they should just say their server was a little too ‘intoxicated’ as well!
Now, let’s unpack this—this notorious Apache, an AH-64 gunship with enough firepower to scare your average villain in an action movie, was host to a situation that could only be described as a highly inappropriate game of ‘hide and seek.’ A source noted that ground crew stumbled upon this sight while attempting to fit rain covers (because yes, that is the priority here). The only thing wetter than their environment was clearly their judgment. One can only imagine the shocked expressions on their colleagues’ faces as they heard noises resembling a battlefield pillow fight coming from the cockpit.
Military Protocol vs. Mile-High Club
The air safety report outlined the scenario succinctly: “It became apparent that the rear cockpit was occupied by two people engaged in sexual intercourse.” I mean, bravo for being clear. And let’s not gloss over the details—one participant was in uniform, ready for duty, while the other was in civilian attire, as if they popped in from the local pub directly into the cockpit! Talk about roleplay gone wrong!
To add a twist worthy of the best comedy sketches, they were ordered to exit the cockpit and—get this—get dressed. Yes, because when you’re caught mooring major artillery with your trousers down, what’s the first thing on your mind? Surely it must be, “I hope I look presentable when I face my superiors!”
Future ‘Cockpit Security’ Measures
On a serious note, military officials have assured us that from now on, ground crews will be tasked with making sure their helicopters are as safe from raunchiness as they are from enemy fire. Because, let’s face it, you want your battlefield machine fully operational, not turned into a naughty playground. And just so you know, it’s not required to sign up for the mile-high club when you’re already signed up for the armed forces, right?
A Lesson for the Future
But amidst the chuckles, there lies a valuable lesson in discretion, one these soldiers hopefully learned the hard way. Engaging in amorous activities while surrounded by missiles is certainly not a bright idea—after all, would you want a souvenir photo with your lover next to an artillery shell? I didn’t think so.
Conclusion: A Jolly Good Laugh
Perhaps in a future air safety report, we’ll see directives like “ensure the cockpit is free of romantic entanglements” topping the list. Sadly, I suspect this tale won’t be the last of its kind, which is both terrifying and terribly amusing. So, while the Apache remains a fearsome beast in our skies, it will now carry a hint of humor—a reminder that even in the line of duty, sometimes the greatest risks come from within the cockpit. If laughter is the best medicine, then this squad has got a career in stand-up waiting for them!
And as for those two lovebirds? May they forever be known as the Apache Aviators—a new breed of airborne lovers leaving war stories far behind! Remember folks, when serving your country, it’s best not to mix business with pleasure… unless you’re really committed to reaching new heights!
Two soldiers were reportedly discovered engaging in intimate activities inside the confined space of an Apache attack helicopter’s cockpit.
The shocked comrades stumbled upon the pair, who were believed to be under the influence of alcohol, in a state of partial undress.
Squeezed into the rear of a two-seater AH-64 gunship, the aircraft was equipped with a powerful 30mm cannon and formidable pods designed for Hellfire missiles.
In a surprising turn of events, ground crew members approached the helicopter to affix rain covers after it had undergone extensive servicing during the night.
They were startled to hear unusual noises emanating from the rear cockpit area, which was visually swaying as the rotor blades moved up and down.
An air safety report later confirmed: “It became apparent that the rear cockpit was occupied by two people engaged in sexual intercourse.
Both individuals were found nude from the waist down — the male donned military attire while the female was in civilian clothing.
The soldiers, both serving members of the military, exhibited signs of intoxication and were promptly instructed to exit the cockpit and put their clothes back on.
The Apache helicopter was part of the Army Air Corps’ 653 Squadron; however, the soldiers involved hailed from a different unit, believed to be the Royal Artillery.
This bizarre incident occurred at the Otterburn range in Northumberland back in 2016, yet it has only recently come to light due to a computer glitch.
As a precautionary measure, an Army source stated that air crew personnel have been given orders to ensure tight security around helicopters in the future.
1
A stroke of genius
By Alex Goss
I HAVE taken a ride in the world’s most-feared attack helicopter.
The cockpit is cocooned by dials and switches.
There you’d run a very real risk of setting off your 30mm cannon early.
### Interview with Military Humorist and Commentator, Alex Dutton
**Editor:** Today, we’re diving into a light-hearted yet eyebrow-raising incident involving two soldiers and an Apache helicopter, which recently resurfaced from years gone by. Joining me is military humorist and commentator, Alex Dutton. Alex, thanks for being here!
**Alex Dutton:** Thanks for having me! Always a pleasure to dissect the absurdities of military life.
**Editor:** So, let’s get straight to it. What were your initial thoughts when you heard about these soldiers being caught in such a compromising position within an Apache cockpit?
**Alex Dutton:** Well, honestly, it’s hard not to chuckle! I mean, when you hear about “air support,” you expect something tactical—not romance in a military-grade helicopter! It’s a ridiculous scenario that sounds like it could be the plot of a sitcom.
**Editor:** Absolutely! Most would agree that intimate activities inside such a sophisticated piece of machinery isn’t exactly standard protocol. What do you think this says about military culture?
**Alex Dutton:** It highlights a mix of camaraderie and the occasional lapse in judgment, I suppose. Soldiers are often under immense pressure, and it seems they might have been seeking a bit of stress relief—albeit in the most inappropriate place imaginable. Sure, we can laugh about it, but this incident does underline the importance of professionalism in the armed forces.
**Editor:** The report mentioned that one soldier was in uniform while the other was in civilian clothes. It almost sounds like a comedy sketch waiting to happen!
**Alex Dutton:** Right? It’s as if they were playing a bizarre game of dress-up. Here you have the contrast of military discipline and casual nightlife colliding head-on. The mental picture alone is priceless!
**Editor:** Following this incident, there are new security measures being put in place for helicopters. Do you think that’s enough, or is there a deeper lesson here?
**Alex Dutton:** I think tighter security is definitely warranted. But more importantly, this serves as a very public reminder of discretion. The armed forces aren’t just about following orders; they’re about maintaining a standard. Engaging in antics so close to live munitions shouldn’t just be a funny story—it’s a cautionary tale.
**Editor:** Well said, Alex. Despite the comedy of the situation, any parting thoughts for those who may be tempted to mix leisure with duty?
**Alex Dutton:** Just remember, folks: when serving your country, it’s best to keep things professional and save the “joyrides” for after-hours! And maybe try to avoid the cockpit altogether if you’re looking for intimacy.
**Editor:** Thank you, Alex, for sharing your insights and bringing a smile to an unusual incident. It’s a stark reminder that, in the military, the unexpected can sometimes spark a bit of humor—a much-needed laugh in tough times!
**Alex Dutton:** Thank you for having me! I look forward to the next hilarity that springs from military life.