DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years to a good man with many admirable qualities. However, our relationship feels devoid of genuine emotional connection. Every attempt I make to foster that connection, whether it’s orchestrating date nights or taking leisurely walks to engage in meaningful conversation, seems to fall flat. Despite my repeated pleas for him to take the initiative, his agreement always transitions to inaction.
I decided to halt my efforts in organizing date nights and made it clear that we won’t go on a date unless he takes the reins in scheduling and planning it. (I emphasize that I do not expect anything extravagant — a simple walk in the park or a quick coffee date would suffice.) It has now been two months, and to my dismay, he has not made even the slightest attempt.
I find myself enveloped in profound loneliness and uncertainty about what steps to take next. I have articulated my needs clearly and outlined my expectations, yet his apparent indifference leaves me at a crossroads. — LONELY IN MINNESOTA
DEAR LONELY: Have you considered that your husband of nearly two decades may struggle with the ability or confidence to plan an outing? If you both find enjoyment in those walks and dates, and if preserving the marriage is a priority for you, perhaps it’s time to resume taking the initiative. By planning your time together, you could demonstrate the emotional engagement you’re craving. While it may lack the spark of romance, remember that I’ve encountered men with far more significant flaws.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it’s unreasonable to ask an acquaintance and neighbor to send a brief text prior to dropping by? She lives within my development and is friendly enough, although she often visits without any notice. I recently discovered through my security camera that she had come by unannounced, accompanied by another woman and that woman’s dog. I decided to text her to express my preference for a heads-up before future visits. Rather unexpectedly, she became offended and announced that she would “never stop over again.”
I noticed her walking by my house shortly after and attempted to engage her in conversation. However, she held up her hand and snapped, “Don’t even speak to me!” This reaction struck me as immature and overly dramatic. What’s your perspective on this situation? — GROWN-UP IN OHIO
DEAR GROWN-UP: I find myself in agreement with your assessment. The woman indeed overreacted to your reasonable text message. This scenario highlights why I advocate for more personal forms of communication, like phone calls or face-to-face discussions, which significantly reduce the potential for misunderstanding and hurt feelings stemming from a brief text. As for her comment about you not speaking to her, I suggest you take her up on it. Showing up unannounced is inconsiderate, approaching rudeness.
DEAR VETERANS: On this day dedicated to honoring your service, my heartfelt gratitude goes out to you. Each of you embodies the values of patriotism, self-sacrifice, and unwavering dedication to our nation. I also want to recognize the families who have stood behind you, enduring sacrifices of their own while you served. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is penned by Abigail Van Buren, widely known as Jeanne Phillips, and was established by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Reach out to Dear Abby via www.DearAbby.com or through P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Insightful guidance for individuals of all ages can be found in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To obtain your copy, please send your name and mailing address, along with a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
**Interview with Marriage Expert**
**Interviewer**: Today, we’re discussing a particularly poignant letter to “Dear Abby” that highlights some common struggles in long-term relationships. Joining us is Dr. Lisa Hartman, a marriage counselor with over 15 years of experience. Dr. Hartman, thank you for being here.
**Dr. Hartman**: Thank you for having me!
**Interviewer**: In the letter from “Lonely in Minnesota,” we see a situation where one spouse feels a lack of emotional connection, despite efforts to foster intimacy. What are your thoughts on this dynamic?
**Dr. Hartman**: It’s a situation many couples can relate to. After 17 years, sometimes partners can become complacent. The husband may not realize the depth of his wife’s feelings or may be struggling with his own confidence in planning activities. This often leads to a disconnect, which can be frustrating for the more proactive partner.
**Interviewer**: “Lonely” has expressed her feelings clearly and has even taken a step back to see if her husband will respond. Is this a common tactic you recommend?
**Dr. Hartman**: Yes, it’s actually a very common approach. It can sometimes shine a light on the underlying issues in the relationship. However, it can also lead to feelings of loneliness, as we see in her case. Unfortunately, many people may not take the initiative even when encouraged, which can be disheartening.
**Interviewer**: You mentioned confidence struggles—how can a partner help support their spouse in becoming more proactive without taking over the primary role?
**Dr. Hartman**: Communication is key. It’s important for both partners to share their thoughts and feelings openly. Perhaps “Lonely” can share why these walks or dates mean so much to her, emphasizing the emotional connection rather than the activities themselves. Encouragement and positive reinforcement when he does make an effort can also help build his confidence.
**Interviewer**: Let’s pivot to another issue mentioned in the letter, where boundaries with acquaintances are being tested. Any thoughts on setting boundaries in friendships?
**Dr. Hartman**: Absolutely. Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships, whether romantic or platonic. It’s completely reasonable for someone to express their need for notice before a visit. The reaction from her neighbor, while unexpected, highlights that not everyone is open to respecting those boundaries. It may take time for the neighbor to process this, and it’s okay for “Lonely” to stand firm in her needs.
**Interviewer**: So, it sounds like a lot of relationship dynamics come down to effective communication.
**Dr. Hartman**: Exactly. Whether it’s romantic partners or friends, the ability to express personal needs and feelings in a constructive way is crucial for long-lasting connections.
**Interviewer**: Thank you, Dr. Hartman, for your insightful analysis on these relationship challenges.
**Dr. Hartman**: You’re welcome! I hope it encourages couples to communicate more openly and thoughtfully.