The bad mother conscience.
With 140 kilometers per hour.
So I almost got the toothpaste down my throat.
Because my screen suddenly lit up with a longing and a longing so strong that it could be felt right down to the kneecaps.
I had come across a post from a woman who has struggled with childlessness for far too long. And the hole in her heart at not having a child to make chestnuts or pumpkin lanterns with, no child to wipe the autumn snotty nose on, was endless.
I stared at her post for quite a while. Let her deprivation crawl a little under the skin. And then I thought two things:
1: That thing with chestnut animals and pumpkin lights seems very enchanting in theory, but in practice it rarely becomes anything other than a stress factor, because when the hell do you have to do it in a busy everyday life, and what child wants to keep going until some of it is finished ?
And 2: Shit. I’m the world’s most ungrateful piece of shit. Should I actually just tie the jam a little more often?
We don’t have to say it
The thing is, when I talk about my children, it is very rarely to talk about their excellence or the star moments with them.
Instead, you have heard me call them “little psychopaths”, just as I have also caught myself saying “I don’t care about other people’s children. I barely care about my own”.
Maybe because I didn’t want to fall into the trap of being the cliché mother who shows pictures or talks about them a little too often.
So better be her with the ironic distance that can make people laugh.
Because yes, everything is of course said with humor and a twinkle in the eye. And it is also part of the cultural understanding that there is an implicit premise between parents that we fight-love our children. We also all know how great it can be to be parents. We don’t have to say it.
It makes room for us to talk more freely about everything that is messed up hard by being parents in a community where we don’t have to sugarcoat it. Without those kinds of communities, I’m sure I would have gone crazy myself a long time ago.
But the childless person’s post made me sit down and briefly evaluate what I have really been thinking and saying about my children lately.
And the conclusion was not pretty.
“Panpages and pageboys”
Novel. As I stopped brushing my teeth for a moment, I forced myself to turn my thoughts upside down.
Yes, my children are little psychopaths sometimes and they can be physically impossible and make my head explode several times a day.
But what else are they? When is life with them really good?
And suddenly the good moments came pouring out.
Like how my youngest daughter always laughs first thing in the morning when she wakes up. How she takes everyone else’s bathroom visits behind closed doors as an invitation to knock and ask “shouldn’t we make a snowman?”
How my middle one sneaks her hand into mine in my sleep at night, and how my oldest laughs from the bottom of her stomach when she farts. How they’ve all had little speech errors that we’ve never bothered to correct. Because suddenly they stop saying “panpagers” and “pageboys” instead of pancakes and parrots.
But I’ve been too sick to really notice. I’ve been even worse at telling the world about it.
Instead, I have reflected on the influencers who have made it a way of life to be honest about the challenges of having children. Which has made pregnancies, births, breastfeeding, mental load, contraception and norms in day care centers a widespread debate.
With the result that politicians now blame influencers in particular for more and more women opting out of motherhood.
Time for a middle ground?
Now, I won’t go into too much detail about what I think of that accusation (other than stating that it must be a lame joke), but it got me thinking anyway.
Maybe it’s time for a middle ground? Maybe we should get better at telling the rest of the world about the good things. What it gives us to be mothers.
I can feel it every night when I sing Ray-Dee-Oh’s “Everything” as a bedtime song to my girls.
Because “all in all, they’re the best thing I have. All in all, they’re my only answer. They’re all the life I don’t understand. All I dream about without knowing why.”
Never before have those lyrics made more sense than they do now.
So… Now I’ve said it. In a rather corny way. But then there is also balance, at least for a few days, right?
Briefly about Camilla Stougård Christoffersen
- Journalist in Nordjyske since 2021 with a focus on writing about lifestyle and everything that may include and concern families with young children.
- Mother of three girls aged 5, 4 and 2.5 years respectively.
- Lives on an old farm in southern Himmerland, where the laundry basket is always full.
2024-11-05 19:00:00
#strange #womans #deprivation #granted #hit #hard #worlds #ungrateful #piece #shit
**Interview with Parenting Expert, Dr. Emily Johnson, on Overcoming Mom Guilt**
*Interviewer:* Thank you for joining us today, Dr. Johnson. We recently came across a thought-provoking article on overcoming mom guilt and the common struggles mothers face in what some describe as the “bad mother conscience.” Can you share your thoughts on this concept?
*Dr. Johnson:* Absolutely! The “bad mother conscience” is something many parents deal with, particularly moms. It reflects the unrealistic expectations we often set for ourselves through social media comparisons and societal norms. When a mother feels she’s falling short, it can lead to guilt and stress, which is counterproductive.
*Interviewer:* It’s interesting how comparison can distort our views of motherhood. The article mentions letting go of comparison to mother with our own values. How important do you think this is?
*Dr. Johnson:* It’s essential. Every mother has her unique path—her values, strengths, and limitations. By focusing on what matters most to us and our families, we can create a more fulfilling parenting experience. It’s about finding joy in the everyday moments, regardless of what others may be doing.
*Interviewer:* The writer of the article reflects on how common it is for mothers to joke about their children and their challenges. Is humor a necessary coping mechanism?
*Dr. Johnson:* Humor can be incredibly healing. It allows mothers to bond over the shared struggles of parenthood, acknowledging that while it’s rewarding, it’s also quite tough. When we can laugh about our experiences, it opens up the space for more honest conversations about the difficulties of motherhood without the weight of guilt.
*Interviewer:* That’s a great point. The article also touched on the need for community and how that can mitigate feelings of isolation. What would you recommend for mothers seeking that sense of community?
*Dr. Johnson:* I encourage mothers to seek out local parenting groups or online communities where they can connect and share their experiences, both good and bad. Engaging with others who understand your struggles can provide relief and remind you that you’re not alone in this journey. It’s about creating a support network that fosters genuine conversations and shared experiences.
*Interviewer:* Lastly, could you share some practical ways for mothers to combat feelings of guilt and instead embrace their parenting journey?
*Dr. Johnson:* Certainly! Here are a few tips:
1. **Practice Self-Reflection:** Take the time to evaluate your feelings and recognize what triggers your guilt. Understanding the source can help you address it directly.
2. **Celebrate Small Wins:** Focus on the positive moments, no matter how small. Keeping a gratitude journal for everyday family joys can change your perspective.
3. **Limit Exposure to Unrealistic Standards:** Be mindful of the content you consume, particularly on social media. Follow accounts that resonate with your values and promote realistic portrayals of motherhood.
4. **Open Up:** Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Sometimes just voicing our worries can alleviate stress.
*Interviewer:* Thank you, Dr. Johnson, for those valuable insights. It seems that gaining perspective and nurturing community support can significantly ease the burdens many mothers feel.
*Dr. Johnson:* It’s my pleasure! Remember, every mother’s journey is unique, and embracing our individual paths is what ultimately leads to fulfillment in parenting.
