The Great Loop: Welcome to the 2025 Tour de France
So, folks, brace yourselves as we dive headfirst into the eccentric world of the Tour de France 2025!
This isn’t just any cycling event; it’s *The Great Loop*, a spectacle of sweat, spandex, and occasionally,
spanner-wielding mechanics. The only place you could see strong men in Lycra tackling the picturesque slopes of France while we sit in our homes,
clutching snacks like they’re the last piece of cheese on Earth!
The Lowdown on the 2025 Route
- The Tour de France starts in France for the first time since 2021. Yes, you heard that right—back to its roots like a French onion soup!
- It takes place entirely in France. Who knew you needed an invitation to ride your pushbike in your own country?
- A total of 21 stages. They really need to stop adding stages—they’re starting to play football with this whole thing!
- 32,320 kilometers of road. I mean, by those calculations, cycling to the corner shop is basically an ultra-marathon!
- A whopping 7 flat stages. *Flat*—the goal is to go fast, not to treat it like you’re pedaling down the block to pick up the milk!
- 6 hill rides. Because who doesn’t enjoy finding out the hard way that gravity is still a thing?
- 6 mountain stages. If you thought climbing the stairs was hardwork, meet the Tour de France in all its glory!
- 2 time trials. Finally, a chance to prove how fast you can go when your heart is attempting to escape your chest!
- 5 uphill finishes, because why finish easy when you can finish painfully?
- Rest days on Tuesday, July 15, and Monday, July 21. One can only hope there are *good* restrooms along the way!
Kicking off in Lille on July 5, the riders will get a quick taste of speed. The sprinters might be licking their lips,
but don’t worry: we’re not doing the Paris-Roubaix cobbles—a decision that makes this whole cycling Olympics a tad less brave
(or just less bloody, depending on how you see it!).
Stage after stage offers complex challenges that promise to make the strongest of competitors resort to colorful carvings of their bicycles in their dreams.
Here, we explore a bit of this dizzying maze:
Stage Highlights
For starters, throw in some puncheurs — as you award them the title of the “King of Mild Pain” at the stage from Lauwin-Planque to Boulogne-sur-Mer!
With climbs so steep, I half-expect them to be selling tickets from the bottom!
Then, brace yourselves for the magical connection between cycling and potato chips as riders head from Valenciennes to Dunkirk.
Finally, a categorized slope—because nothing screams “let’s go fast” quite like a casual 30 kilometers sprint after mildly panting from the classic ‘get up the hill’ approach.
Hills, Mountains, and Points of Interest
Climbing aboard a noodle with wheels, the riders will be utterly terrified of Mont Ventoux and the Col de la Loze.
Seriously, if ‘pain’ had a postcode, it’d be right there! And as if that’s not enough, they pan up!
How else would you regain your statuses of “out of breath” while appearing gloriously heroic?
And let’s wrap this tour with that bittersweet final ride back to Paris, where we’ll observe rider triumphs,
the fashion-forward cycling attire, and maybe just a few emotional breakdowns as the glorious tour comes to an end—
all under the glamorous gaze of the Eiffel Tower!
Final Thoughts
So charge your cameras and prepare your snacks—this Tour de France promises to be an uncensored,
rollercoaster of uphill battles (literally), emotional victories, and a whole lot of Lycra-clad charm.
If you’re not tuned in, you might just be cycling your way through some messy FOMO! So, grab that popcorn,
and let’s see how the drama unfolds in *The Great Loop*!
