Divine Suspension: A Humorous Take on the Quiboloy Saga
Well, here we are, folks! It’s the news cycle that refuses to end, presenting us the ever-evasive Apollo Quiboloy, a man who seems to think he has direct texting access to the Almighty! If you haven’t been keeping up with the latest twists and turns in this ecclesiastical soap opera, let’s break it down!
The Senate Shenanigans
So, grab your popcorn! The Senate recently decided to pause their serious work to dive into the *mysterious* world of Quiboloy. And what’s more? They played an audio clip where he confidently declares, “Only the Son can use you.” Sounds like he’s auditioning for a role in a supernatural interpretative dance troupe rather than leading a religious congregation! [Rappler]
Now, I don’t know about you, but when I hear that kind of talk, I think – this must be some kind of cosmic scam! Quiboloy could teach a masterclass in evasion. The only thing he’s been caught doing with divine powers is trying to charm his way out of trouble like an overconfident cat trying to backpedal from a bathtub scenario!
Ordering Sinful Executions?
But it doesn’t stop there! In another headline, it’s been reported that our main man Quiboloy allegedly ordered the *death of the ‘sinful’*. I mean, who needs a ‘to-do’ list when you’ve got a divine mandate? What’s next? A heavenly hit list? You can’t make this stuff up, folks! [Manila Times]
Picture this: “I’ve got a hot line to God, and if you don’t shape up, I’m sending your name on a one-way ticket to the afterlife!” Talk about an app that takes ‘life reminders’ to a chilling new level!
King Solomon’s New ‘Wives’?
Next up, the police have made claims that Quiboloy’s ambitions were as vast as King Solomon’s collection of wives. I mean, in today’s world, that might just involve a subscription to matrimonial websites, right? Let’s not even get into the logistics of trying to manage multiple love interests with everyone trying to get their share of that heavenly pie! [Philippine News Agency]
And just a reminder for our dear Quiboloy, King Solomon had *his* share of problems managing that many relationships – mainly because he didn’t have a solid Wi-Fi connection to keep everyone aligned on date nights!
Weathering the Storm
Oh and in typical Senate fashion, they’ve decided to suspend work for a day due to bad weather—because, apparently, thunder and lightning can stop the wheels of democracy. While we’re at it, how about we all take a day off when it rains? The less serious you are, Mr. Senator!
In Conclusion
As we watch this divine drama unfold, one can only wonder what’s next for Quiboloy. Perhaps he’ll launch a new reality show: “Keeping Up with the Celestial Commandments”. Who knows? Keep your umbrellas up and your ears peeled; we’re all in for a weathered ride in this sensational saga! And remember, if it rains, just think of it as the skies judging this whole affair. Cheers!
- Quiboloy evasive as Senate plays disturbing audio file: ‘Only the Son can use you’ Rappler
- ‘Quiboloy ordered death of the ‘sinful’ The Manila Times
- Senate suspends work for October 24 due to bad weather newsinfo.inquirer.net
- PNP: Quiboloy allegedly aimed for King Solomon’s number of wives Philippine News Agency
