The Absurdity of Montpellier’s Defense – A Comedic Dissection
What do you call a defense that concedes four goals and leaves its coach looking more deflated than a balloon at a kid’s birthday party? Montpellier’s backline! The headline out of the latest match against Marseille reads more like a horror story than a sports report. I mean, nobody wants to defend these days, right? It’s like asking a cat to take a bath — everyone knows how that’s going to end. Spoiler alert: Not well!
Michel Der Zakarian: The Captain of the Titanic
After the infamous 4-2 defeat at Reims, Michel Der Zakarian wasn’t just annoyed; he was practically apoplectic. “No one wants to defend,” he exclaimed, as if he had just discovered his players had been auditioning for a local production of “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People”. Instead of defensive prowess, he found himself managing a group more keen on letting goals in than on stopping them—like a turnstile at a theme park on a sunny day.
And let’s be honest, conceding 26 goals in just eight matches is like setting a world record for all the wrong reasons. It’s the kind of statistic that makes you want to grab a cup of tea and have a long, hard think about life choices. Was it worth it, boys? Were the pizza parties that good?
A Defense in Shambles
Montpellier’s defense has now entered the realm of the legendary—specifically the kind you hear tales about in dark alleys. Never has a team imploded quite like this, with leaking goals left and right at a pace that could put super-soakers to shame. It’s hard to believe that a team could struggle to find a net, but Montpellier seems to have taken that as a personal challenge!
Der Zakarian’s return to Montpellier was supposed to be a triumphant revival. Instead, it’s felt more like a horror movie— the kind where every decision leads you deeper into the woods. A successful first term seemed to promise a happy ending, yet this season has turned that story into an unsettling cliffhanger.
One Slap Too Many!
It’s no wonder Der Zakarian bit the dust after this latest debacle, following a tragic comedy of errors that began to resemble a Shakespearean farce. Just when you thought the defense couldn’t get worse, BAM! There goes a suspension, and in comes Birama Touré to save the day. But instead of superhero cape, he brought more confusion than clarity—caught out by Elye Wahi quicker than you can say “back of the net!”
The Montpelier faithful gathered in the sold-out Mosson stadium must have felt their collective hearts rip apart as they watched their team throw away their pride, integrity, and possibly even their snack vending machine in the process.
The Aftermath: A Gravesite for Defensive Hopes
As Der Zakarian packs away his tactical board, he leaves behind a defense that looks more like a DIY project gone wrong. The slap from Marseille hurt—both physically and emotionally. With injuries to Joris Chotard and Becir Omeragic, it’s clear that rebuilding will be akin to reconstructing the Titanic after it’s already sunk.
As Montpelier gears up to find a new coach, one can only hope that whoever steps into the role has a PhD in damage control, a highly-rated life raft, and perhaps an amusingly unrealistic dream that they can turn this shipwreck into a championship contender. It’s either that or they should just embrace the chaos and consider a possible career in stand-up comedy!
So, there you have it—Montpellier’s voyage through Ligue 1 continues getting cloudier and more absurd by the minute. Will they find stability? Will they ever learn to defend? Or will it just be more slapstick comedy on the football pitch? Only time will tell—but for now, grab your popcorn, folks; it’s going to be a bumpy ride!
The worst defense in the championship experienced a new nightmare against OM, which also cost its coach Michel Der Zakarian his job.
“No one wants to defend”, Michel Der Zakarian was annoyed. After the defeat and the four goals conceded in Reims (4-2), the Montpellier coach called his players to order, not being invested enough for his liking.
The defense, and its team, did not hear the message. Drowned since the start of the season, notably in Paris (6-0), it was once again overwhelmed by the new partners of Elye Wahi, author of his second goal of the season. One shipwreck too many for the worst defense in Ligue 1. One shipwreck too many for Michel Der Zakarian, disembarked at the end of the meeting by president Laurent Nicollin.
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The defense even enters the story. Never has a team conceded 26 goals after eight days since Rennes. It was before the birth of the club, during the 1969-70 season. a symbol of the helplessness of the Montpellier coach.
Der Zakarian (61), renowned for his rigor, has never found the remedy to plug the leaks in a defense which has conceded at least one goal in each of the eight initial matches.
One slap too many in a sold-out Mosson
After a successful first term (2017-21), the Montpellier coach, returned to Hérault in February 2023, failed to impose his trademark beyond a six-month state of grace, until the altercation with defender Mamadou Sakho last fall.
Too much is enough. The accumulation of glitches (Jullien, Kouyaté…) further weighed down a defense overwhelmed on all sides in this match against Marseille. To compensate for the suspension of Modibo Sagnan, Der Zak was forced to tinker. The last reinforcement: Birama Touré, recruited by him, helped out alongside Becir Omeragic. Trapped by Elye Wahi from the first action, the former Auxerre player was quickly lost in this nightmare evening.
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Der Zak leaves a defense under construction. The slap in a sold-out Mosson hurts the pride of Montpellier. That’s not all. Not only did Montpellier lose a lot in this match, but it also left behind two major players from its defensive structure. Midfielder Joris Chotard and Swiss international Becir Omeragic, injured in a thigh, were replaced shortly before and shortly after half-time. It will be complicated to rebuild on this field of ruin.
