Innfant Jokes: Comedy for Babies and Their Parents
Every year, I try to do one new thing. This year’s brainwave? Gigs for people with babies! Yes, folks, we’re talking about comedy in the morning, designed for parents who can’t get out at night. Welcome to Innfant Jokes—the only comedy club where the audience is guaranteed to be crawling!
Let’s face it, I’ve performed for older children before, like that unforgettable time in Glasgow when a wee lad yelled from the back, “Get a job!” Well, at least he was heckling with ambition! Meanwhile, the heckles from babies are rather less articulate—mostly they grizzle, sleep, or occasionally crawl onto the stage, reclaiming the spotlight and a soother from their new best friends. The ultimate mic drop, if you will.
Now, before each performance, I deliver a safety announcement. No, it’s not just about fire exits; I also point out any sharp edges! You know, baby-proofing is no joke, even if the gig is for laughs, and trust me, those little bundles of joy can be quite the hazard when they decide the stage is a new crawling frontier.
There’s a special shout-out for the youngest baby in the audience! Not a shout-out, really, more like a silent salute—don’t want to wake them, after all. But you can practically see the other babies glancing over, thinking, “Oh, I’m not the youngest anymore? I look like an absolute giant!” But that’s showbiz, baby.
We even had one extraordinary baby who was at the gig twice—first in the womb and later cradled in the arms of their parent. This child has seen more comedy by three weeks than I managed by 25! If that’s not a sign of the times, I don’t know what is.
Now, while the parents may sometimes wet themselves during my sets, I can’t take credit for that—nerves and baby giggles mixed with the prosecco they are tentatively sipping will do that! Honestly, watching parents awkwardly order a pint is comedy in itself. But once one brave soul dives in, it sets off a delightful chain reaction. Just a heads up: shots might be on the horizon! Although, let’s not go overboard—there’s already plenty of bubbles in the air.
I half joke with the audience about roping in a Public Health nurse to do one-stop checks on babies—because nothing says ‘milestone assessment’ like doing it surrounded by a bunch of tipsy parents in their local pub, right? Also, who cares about the state of the place? Familiarity breeds comfort, and honestly, how better to judge a baby’s progress than in its natural habitat?
However, there’s an unofficial age limit. Once they start crawling, parents get a bit twitchy—cannot have a waddler escaping to the lounge to watch The Chase with a group of old lads, can we? Let’s also not forget the verbal ones: nothing quite as shocking as your baby’s first word being, “WTF IS UP WITH THAT?” Now that might ruffle some parental feathers, and I’m definitely not insured against that kind of emotional distress!
You know what? Swearing in front of babies is perfectly fine; they’ve probably heard worse while they were in labour—thanks, mum! But as these babies grow and eventually outgrow my humble comedy club, I do feel an added pressure of them literally ‘growing away’ from me. It’s like watching a sitcom where the characters are replaced every week! As a comedian, it’s a bit unnerving to think about my audience leaving me behind.
I’ve even started to push maternal and paternal responsibilities onto the parents. Seriously, if you’re done with the baby-making business, drop hints to all your child-free friends about when they plan to get moving. It’s a community effort, people! Let’s keep the baby population thriving—because, naturally, I’m now in the baby business.
And while I’m in this newfound industry, I’m ditching my climate change activism. Let’s hire pricey lobbyists calling for a governmental baby boom at 10:30 AM! Or how about I just sell tickets to anyone hanging around the pub at that hour? You’ll witness a delightful mix of parents, babies, and maybe even the odd night-time stevedore. Talk about eclectic!
One way or another, a good half of the audience will be carried out at the end of the night—either blissfully drunk or just passed out from all the excitement. So why not join me on this adventure? After all, nothing says comedy like an audience that’s had a little too much to drink while balancing their little ones on their laps.
- Colm is telling jokes to grown-ups at Kavanaghs in Portlaoise on Friday 18th.
