by Elisabeth Hussendörfer 12.09.2024, 08:49
When children cause trouble, we as parents also have to look for the causes within ourselves. Because children often carry out our own conflicts. In this article, an expert reveals how parents should best behave in typical conflict situations.
Behavioral problems, fears, aggression – more and more parents are complaining about difficulties in the development of their girls and boys. Why is that? “There is no doubt that children bring with them certain characteristics, personality traits and temperaments through their genes that are independent of their upbringing,” says Christiane Lutz, a child and adolescent psychotherapist in Stuttgart. “However, if there are major abnormalities, it is reasonable to suspect that there are disruptive factors in the relationship between parents and child.”
What to do? Christiane Lutz demands something from parents that is not easy and can sometimes even be painful: firstly, to look critically at their own behaviour and secondly, to see children as they are and not as we wish them to be. “Children are like a mirror,” Christiane Lutz says again and again in her work with children and parents: “If we dare to look closely, they show us our weaknesses and inadequacies and thus also the solutions to many parenting problems. When adults change their behaviour, children often do the same.”
An four classic parenting problems this becomes clear.
1. Problem: The child does not follow the rules
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Parents often give in in order to be accepted and loved.
It is the story of Astrid Lindgren’s “Karlsson on the Roof”: Lillebror, a seven-year-old boy, receives a daily visit from Karlsson, an ageless gentleman who dares to do everything that Lillebror would like to do. He is greedy, cheeky, cracks jokes, and sometimes even causes a steam engine to explode. Scenes that we can laugh at when we read them to our children. But what if they become reality? What if your own son or daughter constantly provokes you by crossing boundaries?
“Then the parents may have misunderstood something,” says Christiane Lutz. “Everyone talks about the freedom that children need to develop. But this Freedom cannot be limitless“Children also need guidance. And that is exactly what parents have to provide by setting boundaries.” This seems to be difficult for many. Instead of acting consistently, parents react arbitrarily: chocolate before lunch? TV marathon despite a grade of five in maths? If necessary…
“Parents give in to be loved by the child”suspects Christiane Lutz. “Instead of gaining acceptance through arguments, they buy affection through generosity.” This is easier and saves time – but only for the moment. Because the children are becoming more and more demanding: They develop an enormous sense of entitlement. And their desperate attempts to achieve an argument with their parents through provocation are becoming more and more nerve-wracking.
This is what the therapist recommends:
Ask yourself how consistent you are with your child and consider: What could be the reason for giving in too quickly? Do I want to make up for the lack of time together with my concessions? Or am I perhaps troubled by an authority issue – the fear of no longer being liked if I adopt a stricter parenting style? These worries are unfounded, because Children want parents who support them and enable them to find their way in the world. Knowing this makes it much easier to introduce family rules and ensure that they are followed. Dare to be consistent!
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2. Problem: The child is aggressive
No one can be kind and peaceful all the time.
“Difficulties in relationships with children are often connected to the parents’ unfulfilled feelings and wishes,” says Christiane Lutz. Psychologists speak of the “shadow” in this context. What they mean is that we overemphasize positive aspects of ourselves and suppress dark sides. “It often happens that children pick up on and act out the dark sides of their parents,” says the therapist. Take Jasmin, 11 years old, for example. Until recently, she was a sweet, cuddly child. What is striking is that Jasmin never had a real “tantrum phase.” This makes the atmosphere that Jasmin has created at home since the onset of puberty all the more miserable. She slams doors, complains, makes accusationsand at school she was observed threatening and blackmailing classmates.
“We have always taught our children to resolve conflicts peacefully,” says the mother, shaking her head in incomprehension. “Perhaps that is precisely the problem,” says Christiane Lutz. “No one can be kind and peaceful all the time. Aggression then simmers subliminally and builds up – until it explodes.”
Some children direct their aggression against themselves: “Anorexia, for example, is an extremely aggressive way of communicating with the outside world,” says Christiane Lutz. “Because of their physical refusal to grow up, girls with anorexia remain forever mommy’s or daddy’s little daughter.”
This is what the therapist recommends:
Ask yourself honestly: Is there an open culture of arguing in my family? Or do I often send messages like “Don’t argue!”, “Pull yourself together!”, for example by avoiding any open argument with my partner? If I want to relieve my child, I have to find out where my behavior comes from. Ask yourself: “How come I am so addicted to harmony and so compliant?” And: Try to remember your own childhood: Did I want to be the good princess or the daring Pippi Longstocking?
If you understand the patterns that shape your behavior, you can counteract them more easily. In the event of a dispute, this means that you can encourage conflict instead of just preaching harmony. The benefit for your child: You can allow them to live out their own needs and send a liberating message: Don’t become something for my sake – become yourself!
3. Problem: The child is overly anxious
“Anxious children often have parents who cannot let go,” says Christiane Lutz, remembering a case from her practice: “Nele only knew her mother’s constant presence. For example, she only dared to go on a slide if her mother was standing at the bottom and caught her. There was never an encouraging ‘Try it on your own!'”
Children of overprotective mothers and fathers often seem well-adjusted and sweet at first, and they usually manage kindergarten without any problems. “However, school is then experienced as a disturbing threshold situation, because now the child inevitably takes a step away from the parents,” explains the therapist. In Nele’s case, the situation developed dramatically: Even as a first-grader, she suffered from psychosomatic symptoms such as nausea and headaches, which, however, always disappeared during the holidays.
As a twelve-year-old, she comes with a pronounced School phobia to Christiane Lutz for therapy: For fear of vomiting in front of her classmates, Nele had stayed at home for almost a year. After a few conversations with the mother it is clear: she is the core problem. She unconsciously holds her daughter back because she can’t really let go. Nele’s school phobia disappears almost instantly when her mother becomes more concerned with herself than with Nele because of a training course: “You could see how one thing led to the other.”
This is what the therapist recommends:
Are you often worried? If so, please consider how this attitude comes across to your child. For example, on the way to school: “Be careful when you cross the street” or “Don’t get hit by a car” your child might interpret as: “Mom or Dad don’t trust me to do it right. I probably really can’t.” It has a completely different effect if you say, for example: “You’re so good. I know that you pay attention when you cross the street!” Sentences like this show the child: My parents trust that I’m doing it right.
Parents have to say goodbye to something if they want their child to become more self-reliant and independent through their encouragement. But there is nothing worrying about this independence. After all, there is nothing more beautiful than children who approach life with confidence. Children of parents with permanent worry lines, on the other hand, often become worried people themselves with little self-confidence.
4. Problem: The child suddenly refuses
Children should realize their parents’ dreams.
It’s always the same pattern: A boy takes extra lessons so that he can get the recommendation to go to high school. Because the father – he’s a clerk – hasn’t got that far himself and feels: My son can catch up. Just as common: mothers who give up their jobs for their children and now define themselves by their children’s school grades. “Initially, these children usually fulfill their parents’ expectations. But at some point they have a sudden breakdown. Or a sudden zero-motivation attitude.”says Christiane Lutz.
Interestingly, the problems often only appear in the second generation. In this sense, children are not only a reflection of their parents, but also of their grandparents. The father, who failed miserably as an entrepreneur, tells his son: “You have to be better than me.” The son takes it easy and is content as a freelance artist with a small income. But subconsciously, the task of making money the maxim of life remains. “You’re going to make it big!”he finally whispers to his own offspring – even if in reality they have other talents.
This is what the therapist recommends:
Be careful with excessive encouragement! It is certainly important to recognize talents and to encourage enjoyment in activities. However, you always have to sense exactly whether the child is really enjoying what they are doing. The trend of forcing young girls and boys to work 40-hour weeks and sending them alternately to sports and music school is questionable. So if you suddenly notice a refusal to perform, ask yourself: Could it be that my child has only tried so hard for my sake? That I secretly wished that he or she would achieve what I myself was denied? If that is the case, then concentrate more on yourself and set about realizing your own dreams. In this way, your child will be free – free to use his or her true talents successfully.
This text comes from our ELTERN archive and has been updated.
PARENTS
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Dealing with Child Behavioral Problems: A Comprehensive Guide
As a parent, it can be challenging to navigate the complex world of child behavioral problems. From tantrums to aggression, it’s essential to understand the underlying causes of these issues and develop effective strategies to address them. In this article, we’ll explore the common causes of behavioral problems in children, discuss four classic parenting problems, and provide expert advice on how to overcome them.
Understanding Behavioral Problems in Children
Child behavioral problems can manifest in various ways, including whining, crying, fighting, frustration, kicking, shouting, screaming, pulling hair, and throwing objects [[3]]. In some cases, these behaviors can be indicative of underlying issues such as conduct disorder, which is characterized by aggressive behavior towards others or violation of rules and laws [[2]].
Looking Within: The Role of Parents in Shaping Child Behavior
According to Christiane Lutz, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, children often reflect our own conflicts and unfulfilled feelings and wishes. This phenomenon is known as the “shadow” in psychology, where we overemphasize positive aspects of ourselves and suppress dark sides [[1]]. As a result, children may pick up on and act out these suppressed emotions, leading to behavioral problems.
Four Classic Parenting Problems and How to Overcome Them
Problem 1: The Child Does Not Follow the Rules
When children refuse to follow rules, it can be frustrating and challenging for parents. However, Christiane Lutz suggests that parents may be contributing to this behavior by giving in to their children’s demands in order to be accepted and loved. Instead, parents should set
