Imagine you are arguing with your partner. What started out as just another conversation has gradually become more complicated. It is escalating.
Suddenly, you feel overwhelmed, as if you are drowning. You notice that your heart is beating faster. You feel a lump in your throat, your hands are sweating. You are short of breath. Words are piling up in your head. You don’t know what to say. You feel like your mind is clouded and you have trouble thinking clearly. You feel like you are overwhelmed.
And indeed, that is true. This state of being overwhelmed, in which emotions are so intense that they become uncontrollable, is called emotional overwhelm. John Gottmann, a psychologist and expert in relationships, has studied the phenomenon in depth. Together with his wife, Julie Gottmann, they have analyzed the relationships of thousands of people for decades, outlining their characteristics and effects on people.
Knowing how it works and how to avoid it is crucial to building a healthy relationship.
Fight or flight
When we are emotionally overwhelmed in a highly stressful situation, our body goes into “fight or flight” mode. In this situation, we feel unable to think, communicate or solve problems. It is as if a wave of emotions were crashing over us, without us being able to do anything in time.
Each person may react differently when overwhelmed. For example, one may feel the need to withdraw, to isolate oneself, to distance oneself from the conflict. In a way, this is a way of protecting oneself. This is what happens, for example, when a person becomes silent in the conversation, folds his arms, looks down, or even leaves the room. The person is overwhelmed, in over his head, and needs to calm down.
Others may say hurtful, rude things. When rational control is lost, what Daniel Goleman calls “the amygdala hijack,” emotions take over. People shout, even swear. Later, when the storm passes and reason is reactivated, regret comes.
We can also become defensive. We don’t listen to our partner, instead focusing on ourselves. We think about our motives, our reasons, and constantly look for justification. This can lead to denying any blame or attacking the other person to deflect criticism.
Finally, some may choose to avoid the situation: changing the subject, making sarcastic comments, or pretending that everything is fine. Instead of facing emotions and conflict, pretend they don’t exist.
Prevention is better than cure
As with any aspect of health, prevention is better than cure when it comes to emotional health. If we know the keys to avoiding emotional overwhelm, we will be able to build healthier relationships.
In one of our most recent studies, we defined which variables helped to manage and reduce emotional overflow during couple conflicts. These are the key aspects:
1. Develop your emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in how we handle our emotions during conflicts. People with high emotional intelligence are better at identifying, understanding, and regulating their emotions. This allows them to stay calmer and more controlled even in high-stress situations.
2. Use positive conflict resolution techniques
Adopting positive conflict resolution strategies is key. This includes skills such as negotiation, compromise, and open and honest communication. Rather than reacting impulsively or aggressively, you seek to address problems in a constructive and collaborative way.
3. Take a break
If you feel yourself starting to get emotionally overwhelmed, it’s helpful to take a break. Stepping away from the situation for a moment can help you calm down and think more clearly. It’s important to let the other person know that you need this time and agree to come back to the conversation when you’re both calmer.
4. Practice emotional self-awareness
Being aware of your own emotions and recognizing early signs of overwhelm can help you take action before things get out of hand. This includes paying attention to physical cues, such as increased heart rate or muscle tension.
5. Seek support
Talking to someone you trust about your feelings can be a huge help. Sometimes, we just need to vent and get an outside perspective to better manage our emotions.
6. Maintain effective communication
Clear and effective communication is key. This involves expressing our feelings and needs assertively without blaming or attacking the other person. Active listening is also crucial to understanding the other’s point of view and working together toward a solution.
Emotions are complicated and they accompany us throughout our lives. Learning to recognize and manage emotional overflow is crucial for a balanced life. Knowing and applying these strategies will help your emotional stability, as well as strengthen your relationship.
Álvaro García del Castillo López, Professor of Social Psychology at the Department of Health Psychology, Miguel Hernández University, Miguel Hernandez University
This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original.
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