2024-02-28 13:00:00
Caroline and Franck, parents of two children aged 9 and 14, are going through a period of doubts concerning their education. If the mother says she is tired “to take on the role of villain” car “we have to put in place rules and sanctions”, the father, very focused on communication, believes that an education that is too rigid is not the solution. Faced with the difficulties inherent to adolescence and the increasingly rebellious behavior of their children, parents in conflict feel helpless.
Fathers’ place
One of the major changes in parenting in recent years concerns the investment of fathers. They now want to be close to their children and involved in the different areas of their education. And not just with regard to authority! The father/mother roles become interchangeable… If for some couples, the distribution of tasks is still required, for the majority, all positions are occupied indiscriminately on a daily basis.
Today, choices and decisions concerning children are mostly made by two people. We must therefore discuss, agree, find consensus…
At the same time, the injunctions regarding education have never been so numerous and so confusing. Constantly made to feel guilty by the media, schools and politicians, parents feel under pressure. Stunned with sometimes contradictory recommendations, they look for points of reference so as not to get lost.
Play the role of the good parent
Parents will then draw on those constructed from the image of their own parents (by drawing inspiration from it or by rejecting it), their values, their knowledge in terms of education, etc.
And everyone will try to base themselves on these benchmarks to invent a new model and try to embody the difficult role of “good” parent.
When the mother’s and father’s benchmarks are not the same, which is frequently the case, the way of understanding the child’s behavior and then reacting to it may be different. Disagreements between parents then arise.
Lucille, 14, is becoming more and more irritable, she lacks respect for the whole family. The mother wants to punish her by depriving her of going out on weekends with her friends. The dad thinks, on the contrary, that it will make the situation worse. According to him, the young teenager needs to socialize, depriving her of this would increase her discomfort and therefore her anger towards her parents. They cannot come to an agreement.
The father, who some might describe as “lax”, is convinced that only attentive listening to the young girl’s difficulties will help improve her behavior. He himself suffered from an overly rigid education which did not allow him to express his emotions.
The mother, who nevertheless received the same type of education, believes that any lack of respect must be punished because respect for the rules is what allows successful integration into society.
If both parents are concerned regarding the young girl, and share the same objective, the differences come from the means implemented, and cause tensions, themselves increased tenfold by stress. This comes from children’s oppositional behaviors which give parents the impression of losing control.
Parental disinvestment
In some cases, one of the parents, worried and distressed by the situation, will go so far as to constantly question the other. The criticized parent may then go one step further and defend (with more or less anger) their positions, which will probably amplify the conflicts. If the other person’s remarks hurt him deeply, he may gradually withdraw from the area of parenthood in which he does not feel up to the task in favor of other, more rewarding activities. This is why some parents will start coming home later, preferring to stay at work as long as possible, a place where they feel more at home.
The spouse will interpret this “resignation” as a lack of interest in the home, which will increase his frustration. He will also find himself overwhelmed by the magnitude of the burden he has to shoulder alone. Conflicts will then intensify, which will have an impact on children who are already somewhat deprived of one of their parents.
To avoid this type of situation, it is essential to find solutions. The best thing to do is to sit down and share ideas regarding raising children. Discuss, confront, understand and accept your differences, find a balance to form a team.
Different and complementary
Forming a parenting team does not mean that both parents must adopt the same views and act in the same way. The “perfect parental couple”, the one who agrees in all circumstances, is not that perfect! It can even hinder the child’s proper development. On the contrary, the parents’ differences make it possible to create complementarity, a balance, to compensate for the excesses and deficiencies of each. Having two models allows the child to create their own references, to choose to interact with one or the other according to their needs.
What must be avoided, however, is mutual criticism, in the presence of the child. He would then feel cut in two. Parents, whatever their differences and divergences, must adjust to each other to develop a common strategy, which will involve making concessions and compromises.
You will have to be flexible and open to the other’s suggestions. And undoubtedly renounce a form of “omnipotence”. Franck can, for example, listen to his daughter’s difficulties while telling her that a sanction will be applied if she does not change the way she speaks. Young Lucille will thus benefit from the complementarity of her parents while feeling reassured by a common framework.
The parental couple then becomes a base on which the child can rely to grow well.
For reasons of confidentiality, his first name as well as his private life details have been modified.
Tips for Limiting Conflict About Education
Take the time to discuss the values that are important to each of us as parents.
Do not argue or contradict yourself in front of the child regarding his or her education. Discuss it later.
Determine the few priority rules for the family.
Share the most delicate moments of the day depending on each person’s state of fatigue and stress. If the other parent becomes verbally or physically aggressive, take over.
Determine everyone’s strengths together in order to share responsibilities and areas of intervention based on them.
Who is Emilie?
After working for more than ten years as a school teacher, Émilie Perreard trained in psychology, parental guidance and educational guidance. Psychopractitioner in Mougins, she sees children, adolescents and adults. She also supports parents in groups or individual sessions. Finally, she carries out orientation assessments to help middle and high school students choose their path.
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