She never pretended to be a makeup artist, she never pretended to be an actress and she never pretended to be a star. He doubts the latter, with her voice, a little shy, a little humble, that comes out when she is made to talk regarding her success. But Alex Saint (Orihuela, 33 years old), who left her town of 80,000 inhabitants to try fashion photography with all that that entails, who took years to begin her transition to a woman with all that that entails, is successful. In 2019, her name began to be heard because of her talent as a makeup artist. Today, many of the most seen faces in Spain—the pop phenomenon Aitana; the uber-influencer Sweet; Ester Expósito, actress Elite and one of the best-known Spanish women on Instagram; or Pedro Almodóvar on the cover of ICON—use and praise their services. And that’s just part of the story.
Now, Saint is one of the Javis bets in the new series Dressed in blue (Atresplayer Premium), this time as an actress. The project takes up the history of Poison (2020), where Saint had a small role as a friend of the protagonist, Valeria Vegas (Lola Rodríguez). That character is now expanded throughout several chapters, with its own plot, tough and optimistic, very much in the spirit of the project: honoring the trans stories of the past and expanding the trans voices of the present. It has not been easy, nor even painless, to get here but now, Saint is going through a moment that we can call enviable without fear of jinxing it. “I’ve been lucky,” she says casually, sitting in a cafeteria on Barquillo Street.
Ask. Let’s see, luck and good hand.
Answer. I have imposter syndrome deep inside me. But yeah, I guess I’ll have something I like. It’s hard to accept that a makeup artist now does a series. And I never intended to be a makeup artist.
P. What happened there?
R. I went to Barcelona to study fashion photography. So I didn’t like how anyone did makeup. And, since I am very controlling and perfectionist, I said: ‘If I do it, I will do it better.’ Over time I have discovered that you work better as a team but at that time I had a very clear idea of what I wanted to photograph. Always blonde girls, by the way.
P. Like you.
R. He was trying to see me through the photo. I hadn’t started my transition yet. I met [la modelo] Jessica Goicoechea, that prototype of the mega-powerful blonde aunt, the empowered and strong woman that I wanted to see in others and in myself. I started taking photos of her and ended up being her manager, her makeup artist, her stylist, everything. From there, she called me Dulceida to do her makeup at the Goya, and suddenly she was more of a makeup artist than anything else. At that time the makeup that I did was not the typical one that was done here in Spain.
P. How is it done in Spain?
R. Here the actresses always look very natural. I started doing that American makeup, very elaborate but because of the colors it appears to be natural. After Dulceida, I had a boom among the world influencer. Ester Expósito called me, Aitana called me.
P. You started to have your own name.
R. Aitana’s fans ask me for photos, they recognize me. People who may not have met a trans person in their lives now know that there is one and that she does Aitana’s makeup. That normalizes. It’s my way of doing activism.
P. How did your transition affect this trip?
R. I started it quite old, at 25, almost 26. Like so many people in our group, I have not had the childhood or adolescence that I would have wanted. They weren’t bad either, but I haven’t experienced many of the crazy things that are supposed to happen at that time. After my transition, which I almost put at 30, I started going out, meeting people, and having fun. I needed the euphoria… What happens is that we all know that following the peaks come the valleys.
P. He did Jedet’s makeup for the test. Poison and the Javis encouraged him to make his own casting. She left there with the role of Sacha, the protagonist’s friend. How’s imposter syndrome for her there?
R. It’s very difficult to be wrong with the Javis. They get out of you what they want, what they see in you. The thing is that I was very insecure there. It was my first time in front of a camera and I was filming with them. I, who was doing nothing, was in Barcelona, at my house, with a severe depression.
P. A continuous or punctual depression?
R. I have a tendency to get depressed. I think it is partly due to genetics and partly due to experiences since I was little. Now there is a lot of talk regarding mental health and all this, but I grew up like everyone else, not knowing what anxiety or therapy was, you know? In my town, going to the psychologist was like… I remember now one of my best friends, her mother died when she was little, and they took her to the psychologist and it was a very strange thing.
P. His character in Dressed in blue It is precisely all mental health. Sacha faces the ordeal of passing, longing for a totally cis appearance and never feeling like it is achieved. That there is always a telltale feature, an operation ahead. Which is never enough. What did she think when they presented the plot to her?
R. I practically created my plot, it is not something that was presented to me. The Javis know me and suggested I tell this part of myself, mental health, dysphoria. I’ve had a lot of problems with that. I made the transition very old and there are times that I saw myself in those. Now where do I fit in? Where am I going to move, where am I going to flirt? Where are they going to want me? Where are they going to want me in general? It is ultimately the question of how you are going to fit into the world as a trans woman.
P. “Where are they going to want me?” It’s all there, right?
R. For me that is life. The job we have, the things we want to achieve, is because we want to feel accepted, to belong to something, and that means that others love us. When they talk regarding self-love, well. Without that of others there is no self-love possible either. If you feel that the environment in which you move is hostile, it creates an unhappy life for you.
P. In the series, and also in his life, that unhappiness is transferred to the physical plane.
R. It is very common to physically punish ourselves when bad things happen to us inside. Sacha blames everything on the fact that she is not cis enough, or that others are not going to perceive her as the woman she feels she is. She compares herself to his girlfriend, who is cis, and she is afraid that he will leave her because she is not woman enough. That insecurity ultimately destroys everything around you. Relationships with your friends, with your partner, work. You go into a loop, it’s something very dark. I have survived thanks to that. To my friends, and my mother, and my family.
P. What you have survived, how would you define it?
R. To want to die. Literally. I mean, I, many times, well, I don’t know if…
P. Shall we stop and think regarding it?
R. I don’t want to think regarding it either, really. It’s what I’ve felt. I have wanted to die several times throughout my life, because I have concluded: ‘If this is what life offers me, I don’t want it. I don’t want to be suffering.’
P. Did you suffer from external or internal rejection?
R. There came a time when I no longer knew. If all the time they are telling you that it sucks, what comes to your mind is that. That’s disgusting. That you will never have a normal life, that you are not lovable, that you are not desirable enough. Nobody is interested in your pain. Nobody understands you. The others are cis and you are trans.
P. And that, he says, poisons even his friends.
R. When I talk to my friends regarding the things that have happened to me with straight cis boys, some cis friend always appears who wants to empathize with you, but tells you: ‘This doesn’t seem like a big deal to me…’. It’s just not exactly the same for you as it is for me.
P. Someone wants to help you, and you have to say: ‘There’s a little barrier.’
R. Even when people want to help you it is difficult. In the end only another sister is going to understand you, you know? Other brother, your hermane. All that pain, what do you do with it? What do you do with it?
P. A career as a makeup artist, you see. Or a series.
R. I’m relieved that you approach it like that. When I started my transition, my psychologist told him: ‘But is my life now going to be reduced to talking regarding this?’ In my personal life, the fact that I am trans is no longer so, so present. At my job… It’s something that seems to be on your forehead. The trans woman. Anyway, I have internalized that the issue, for now… is there, is there. It is time to talk regarding this and for us to do it.
P. Because real-life trans stories aren’t always as tragic as stereotypes say.
R. That’s what I wanted to show with Sacha. The path to finding yourself as a person, something that applies not only to a trans person but to anyone. We all get divorced, we get older, we move, we have losses, we all have grief to deal with. And what comes out on the other side has always seemed better to me. As I told you, I have seen myself saying: ‘I’m not leaving here, it’s over.’ Be a little kamikaze and think: ‘Pos Come on, I’ll stay at the party for a while to see what happens, if everything is already lost, but…’.
P. But thinking that any day he takes his coat and leaves.
R. And then wonderful things happen.
P. What do those wonderful things look like?
R. I’m discovering that happiness is being calm. I have looked for happiness in many places, in many people, in many adventures, and it turns out that everything is surrounding yourself with a group of people who promote your peace of mind, having a partner who takes care of you, and a long-term life project with values. . I’m not seeing almost anyone, I have a hard time socializing lately, and the routine of going to events or parties doesn’t appeal to me right now. I have a pretty boring life that I appreciate a lot.
P. Has the makeup artist had enough of masks?
R. I’m tired of giving explanations, going to places I don’t feel like going, talking to people I’m not interested in, and being in situations that I see as absurd. I want to be with my dog more, watching a movie, with my three friends who already understand me. Maturity takes everyone there.
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