2023-09-16 14:21:15
The reality is that boredom is “normal, natural and healthy,” explains Erin Westgate, a psychology professor at the University of Florida.
I have some especially vivid memories from my childhood summers: the smell of the grill, the chirping of cicadas, and the feeling of being bored out of my mind.
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Although I had a more or less strict schedule and spent long stretches of each summer at camp, there were weeks when my parents, who worked, didn’t fill my schedule with much of anything, and they didn’t give a damn if I felt busy or entertained.
This has been on my mind as my own children spend the summer immersed in an impressively expensive hodgepodge of camps, babysitters, and time with grandparents, and yet it seems insufficient in terms of real nurturing or stimulation.
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I’m not the only one who feels it is her duty as a mother to fill her days with activities and learning opportunities. A study cited in a 2018 article in the New York Times lamenting the relentlessness of modern parenting found that regardless of education, income or race, parents believed that children who are bored should enroll in extracurricular activities. As Erin Westgate, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Florida, explained to me, there is a kind of cultural stigma attached to boredom, especially in the United States.
Only boring people get bored, the saying goes.
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But the reality is that boredom is “normal, natural and healthy,” said Westgate, whose research focuses on what boredom is, why people experience it and what happens to them when they get bored. Although he cautions that few empirical studies have been done on boredom in children, Westgate believes that, in moderate doses, boredom can provide a valuable learning opportunity, can stimulate creativity and problem solving, and motivate children to pursue activities that are meaningful to them.
“Preventing children from being bored is a mistake, as is preventing them from feeling sad, frustrated or angry,” he asserted.
Below, we tell you what you and your children can learn from boredom.
Children often say “I’m bored” when they feel lonely or want attention (Shutterstock)
Boredom is an emotion, said Westgate, who likens it to the indicator light on a car’s dashboard: “Boredom tells you that what you’re doing right now isn’t working.” That usually means that the task you’re doing is too easy or too difficult, she said, or that it’s meaningless.
One way parents can help children (especially younger ones) learn to manage boredom is to work with them on developing what Westgate calls greater emotional granularity. For example, they can help them distinguish between feeling sad or bored. “Name it and control it,” a phrase coined by psychiatrist Dan Siegel, is a technique that many child development experts use to help children identify their feelings.
Children often say “I’m bored” when they feel lonely or want attention, said Katie Hurley, a doctor of social work and author of the book The Happy Kid Handbook. So it can be helpful to ask them if they are looking for comfort or companionship, she said.
Also, do your best to normalize the feeling. “We have a tendency to treat boredom as a sign of distress or a kind of call for help,” Hurley said. “It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not necessarily negative.”
Boredom offers children the opportunity to experiment with the kinds of activities they find satisfying and interesting, Westgate said.
For example, if you leave your children alone in the garden, they may be bored at first, but they can learn to avoid that feeling, or to resolve it, by finding activities that seem meaningful to them, whether it is counting bugs, playing with a ball, or drawing. with chalk on the sidewalk. If parents don’t allow free, imaginative play, children may never discover their innate love of nature, sports, or art, or even the pleasure they can find just by relaxing or playing.
“Being able to identify and develop those sources of meaning is a critical lifelong skill,” Westgate said.
Parents sometimes fear boredom and the havoc it can wreak at home, Hurley explained, but free time leaves room for discovery. Hurley recommends reviewing your child’s weekly schedule and asking yourself, “Is there anything we can take away and call it just ‘relaxation time’?”
However, parents should not expect children to instinctively know what may be meaningful to them. Instead, parents should remind their children of the things they are interested in or care regarding, Westgate said.
“It’s the difference between leaving the child in a room with absolutely nothing to do,” he explained, and “taking him to a room where you know there are books and puzzles — things that would be meaningful to your child — and that would be a good fit for him.” ”. (He also noted that research has shown that, without positive outlets, people may be more likely to engage in unhealthy behaviors.)
If parents don’t allow free, imaginative play, children may never discover their innate love of nature, sports, or art.
Hurley said children ages 5 and younger need a menu of specific options to combat boredom, or to be asked questions like: Do you want to play with Legos? Do you want to play with plasticine? Do you want to go outdoors? In addition, he added that parents often feel pressured to sit on the floor and play with young children whenever they get bored, but that can prevent them from learning that they are capable of unleashing their imaginations.
With older children, Hurley says you can tell them something like, “Take a walk around the house, think of three ideas, and come back and tell me.” Once children move from a state of boredom to positive action, “creativity, problem solving, and all kinds of academic learning skills open up.”
Phones and devices require little effort, Westgate said, so children and adults often turn to them to calm feelings of boredom.
“In the case of children, it is very logical that they ask for screens when they are bored, but, obviously, that does not mean that it is the best for them in that situation,” he concluded.
c.2023 The New York Times Company
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