2023-08-27 22:00:00
Former anchor Xiao Tongwen (right) recently revealed the mental journey of taking care of her mother, frankly admitting that she has been immersed in depression and anger for the past 3 years. (Picture / flip from Xiao Tongwen FB)
With the aging of Taiwanese society, more and more people have a new identity of “caring for the elderly”. Former news anchor Xiao Tongwen poured out on Facebook in mid-August, the bitterness of taking care of her mother for three years. “Every time I take my mother to the doctor, I cry for half an hour.” Writer Zhang Manjuan began to take care of her elderly parents while working 8 years ago, unable to breathe. After constant struggle, I allow myself to go out and relax, “reserve myself”. For the sandwich group who have to take care of their parents and children, experts suggest, “You can admit that your abilities are limited and relieve the pressure at the right time, so as not to let yourself fall into the abyss.”
According to a study by the University of Melbourne in Australia, people’s sense of well-being will drop to the lowest point in life when they are around 40 years old. It may be because at this time, there are old people, young people, and economic pressure and family burdens are gradually increasing. But I am regarding to enter the chapter of old age, so I become more and more unhappy. It is not until the age of 70, when all kinds of pressures are resolved, that the sense of happiness in life climbs up once more. Counseling psychologist Huang Yijing said that life following the age of 40 is indeed more difficult. In addition to worrying regarding getting old, these “sandwich groups” also have to accompany and take care of older elders. Taking care of itself is already very hard, but sometimes the emotional problems of the careees are reversed. More torture.
The mother of the anchor Xiao Tongwen is 77 years old this year. Since her footsteps became unbalanced three years ago, she has rapidly degraded and has become depressed and very dependent on others. Xiao Tongwen revealed on Facebook that every time she takes her mother home to see a doctor, she must first find a place Crying for half an hour, venting the complaints and negative energy she received from her mother. “Whenever my mother complains to me regarding any discomfort in her body, or shouts that she doesn’t want to live anymore, I will take it very seriously as a homework given to me by my mother, and try to find a solution. mixed emotions of frustration and anger.”
But over the past year, Xiao Tongwen finally realized that she had to accept “some situations I really can’t change”. Xiao Tongwen said that sorting out these self-emotions and “acknowledging and forgiving my own inadequacy” are very difficult, especially for such a strong person like her. Fortunately, in the past few years, I have received the professional company of many good friends through work, and I have slowly found my emotional entanglements. In the past, I always wanted to change my mother: change her negative thinking, change her pessimism… But changing others is really wishful thinking, and changing yourself is the solution. “I don’t have to “ask” her to cheer, nor “help” her cheer, I just need to be with her.”
Writer Wu Ruoquan suggested that caregivers should first settle themselves physically and mentally, so that they can experience the issues of life while taking responsibility. (Picture / flip from Wu Ruoquan FB)
Writer Wu Ruoquan has been taking care of his mother who suffered from stroke and cancer for more than 20 years. For impermanence.” Wu Ruoquan believes that health is the most important capital, supplemented by financial planning. As long as you have enough mental toughness and are willing to give, you will find that you are more powerful than you imagined, and you can experience the problems of life while taking responsibility, and find the meaning of these commitments and efforts to yourself.
Faced with the negative emotions of the elders, Wu Ruoquan suggested “empathize first, then empathize.” Wu Ruoquan said that aging and decline are very cruel processes. If you observe and experience the powerlessness of your own life, you can understand their inner fear. Many negative emotions of the elders are actually caused by illness and fear of death. Accompanying them to face this fear is also a lesson for middle-aged children to learn regarding their future life. This empathy will make each other soft because of understanding, and let go of many emotional confrontations.
Huang Yijing said that if you want the care receiver to feel better, you can try to give them “the opportunity to make a decision”, which will change the relationship between the caregiver and the care receiver. Create a partnership that can make seniors feel like they are contributing. In addition, Huang Yijing also reminded caregivers to learn to express their negative emotions and organize their emotions. At the same time, they must admit that their abilities are limited, so it is impossible to cover everything, so it is better to think regarding “what options do I have?”
Writer Zhang Manjuan suggested as someone who has experienced it, do more “happiness exercises”, no matter how small things are, you can be happy, no matter how bad things are, you can also change your mind, for example, when you lose 10 yuan, you can think “fortunately only Lost 10 yuan”, then you will be much happier.
Zhang Manjuan acquired the new identity of “caregiver” 8 years ago. She once said in an interview that her parents always said that they should take good care of their bodies and did not want to be a burden to their children. She also sincerely believed that later her father suffered from senile mental illness and her mother suffered from dementia. Only then did she realize that no matter how hard she tried, After reaching a certain age, many things are still inevitable.
After becoming a caregiver, Zhang Manjuan continued to teach in “Zhang Manjuan Primary School” every week. Due to her father’s strong sense of insecurity, she likes to go out and relax. She gave up her plan and stayed at home for her father. Later, she realized that it would make her depressed For a long time, following many struggles, she knew that she had to keep some of herself or she would wither, so even if her father didn’t like it, now as long as she arranged her family affairs, she would still go out as planned. After taking care of her parents, Zhang Manjuan can face “oldness” more closely and prepare for old age.
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