They are increasing by the hour: the candidates fighting for the SPÖ presidency. To date, it is still possible to apply for the chief post. Here are the promising candidates to save the ailing social democracy!
Werner Faymann
Faymann is the last real worker of the SPÖ. As a taxi driver, he knows the worries of the new, precarious employees – and not only animals would choose Faymann once more. The “Lula Da Silva from Liesing” (The Guardian) can make the impossible possible. Although the course is right, the daring driver of death does not shy away from driving once morest the one-way.
Pamela Rendi-Wagner
The “charismatic party leader” (quote Rendi-Wagner) is considered an “absolute top favourite” (quote Christian Deutsch). She has been chairing the SPÖ for four years and has shown: “She can win elections” (Michael Ludwig quote), “Reach people” (paid ), “Convey content through regular ZiB2 appearances” (very well-paid ). The epidemiologist cleverly used a century pandemic to bring the SPÖ in the polls from 21 to 21.1%. With record inflation, she skilfully exploited another 911 and led the party in polls to a sensational 21.2%.
Prince Harry & Megan
A dual leadership that finally promises harmony. In addition, following the often aloof Pamela Rendi-Wagner, the royals would finally bring more down-to-earthness to Löwelstrasse once more. Bonus point: Just like the SPÖ leadership itself, Harry & Megan also like to carry out their conflicts in the media. A Netflix documentary and a 28-page special supplement in the free newspaper Today are already in preparation. In addition, Harry’s Nazi uniform might help promote social reconciliation with radicalized corona deniers.
Jeremy Fragrance
Power, strength, streeength! Finally a man in the lead with a white vest and no dirty laundry – Jeremy Fragrance famously doesn’t wear underwear, so brown streaks can also be avoided in the party. Unfortunately, Fragrance might appeal to young target groups under 69 and knows how to deal with social media, which is an absolute taboo within the party.
Dr. Quinn
Who better to follow a doctor than a passionate doctor? dr At the age of 72, Quinn would be considered a young savage in the party and might win over the offspring. Another senior citizen, Ursula Stenzel, wanted to apply, but she withdrew her application early because the field of candidates would have become too dense with her.
Apple AirPods Pro 2
The new in-ear headphones from Cupertino can hide annoying background noise from the left and right. Unfortunately, they tend to only reflect what the audience wants to hear. In addition, at 270 EUR they are out of reach for most hackers. Another disadvantage: In contrast to Rendi-Wagner, they cannot disappear for weeks, but can always be located by Armin Wolf via an app.
Investment Punk
His catchy election slogan “Hello, folks” looks amical, down-to-earth, likeable – and an agency close to the SPÖ would have charged 80,000 euros for it. His dream is an egalitarian one: ugly little holes for everyone that can be rented out at grotesque prices, as well as a tax seminar with his Austrian and German tax consultant, who is supposed to reduce the individual tax burden of all Austrians – because 50% taxes, that’s robbery!
Pickle Rick
The bizarre character from the series “Rick & Morty” would be the second cartoon figure at the head of the SPÖ following Alfred Gusenbauer. The eccentric scientist is also able to appeal to voters in absurd, life-hostile parallel universes such as Planet 43G or Seestadt Aspern. Disadvantage: He is green through and through, a no-go for the party leaders, who also have someone at the top of the party, Michael Ludwig, who hates all kinds of vegetables.
Miley Cyrus
In her new album she processes the pain of separation from the last remaining SPÖ voter, Mr. Ludwig Haberreiter (87) from Leoben. An emotional topic that moves the SPÖ to tears. Also appropriate are her previous hits “See you once more”, which deals with the unfulfilled hope of a reunion with the chancellor’s office, “Wrecking Ball” regarding the destruction of all hopes, dreams and visions or “Party in the USA”, a song in which she Sebastian Kurz attacks head-on.
Der Yeti
The second legendary ape man from Lower Austria – following Gottfried Waldhäusl – pushed into politics. Comrades value the Hillbilly for its ability to turn invisible – an important tool on election night. His admission to the member survey is uncertain, the statutes of the parties deliberately exclude those whose existence has not been proven.
HP Laserjet Drucker
He has never worked even one day in his life, sees everything in black and white, devours huge sums of money – and thus fits perfectly into the family of officials. He also faces the worries of working people on a daily basis, who yell at him in desperation as to why he can’t even print a four-page document on both sides.
Schärdinand
For a long time it was unclear whether the left-wing candidate, the “Emmentaler-Robin-Hood” (Washington Post), would actually compete. But his rampant mold fits perfectly with the image of the reds and might appeal to the Sinus milieu of “half-decayed old people”. Schärdinand comes from the anti-capitalist wing of the party, he throws a spanner in the works of late capitalism wherever he can – he is very skeptical regarding private property, especially cheese.
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