08 mars 2023
The physical pressure exerted on a child or a teenager is in certain cases the fact of the parents. When it gets too big, the latter weakens self-esteem. And can be the subject of family consultations with the psychologist.
Imposing on your child to dress in this or that way, to remain very feminine or on the contrary as masculine as possible, to fit into the boxes of thinness without being too thin but a little muscular, to do their hair in such a way without possible discussion: here are some examples of physical diktats that young people can frequently undergo.
In some cases, ” their parents’ expectations come into play “, describes Laurence, psychologist. ” And it is not a hazard. Very often, something unconscious, a form of denial is played out in the parents who can react following a trauma, an injury from their childhood and do everything not to reproduce what they have experienced. When others find themselves in a form of revenge on life because they have managed to build themselves on their own and need to show it in society, by displaying their success in the clothing of their child for example “, continues the psychologist.
Obviously, there is no problem “when the physical aspect remains a light subject, for example by advising his child to cover up, to put on appropriate clothing or to comb his hair “says the psychologist. But this ” begins to pose a problem when the parent’s remarks regarding his physical appearance become recurrent, are injunctive, are extreme, and generate suffering in the child or adolescent ».
The child, the couple and the siblings in consultation
How to help children, adolescents, but also parents? ” In my practice, I favor the systemic approach which takes into account the child with his parents and sometimes the entire siblings “, describes Laurence. ” The family arrives in consultation with the tip of the iceberg, and the job is to find the one that is not visible. Why does the physical aspect take up so much space? »
How is follow-up generally carried out? ” Everything will depend on the story and the problem of each. “But the idea is to focus on the entourage of the young patient, the environment in which he is immersed, everything that will be able to feed his suffering on a daily basis, beyond the problem. Objective: find the origin and undo the knots of discomfort. ” To do this, we will explore the history of the child, his personality, his place in the system “continues Laurence.
And in the case of injunctions on the physical plane? “ Children can come to my office for eating disorders, a loss of self-esteem and, as they grow up, a tendency to find themselves in relationships of influence, in friendship as well as in their romantic relationships, as they have been accustomed that we decide for them. »
« Often parents bring the child in for a behavioral problem such as anger, disobedience or hyperactivity that they wish to resolve. The work is to explore together what is hidden behind the symptom, and to offer a sufficiently “safe” space for the child to speak so that he can allow himself to express his emotions and feelings. »
Couple… therapies
« It happens that scenes experienced within couples or families, in their intimacy, are replayed almost identically in my office. “says Laurence. In which case the psychologist can see, understand, feel what the child describes in his daily life. ” A conflict in the couple can appear when, for example, one of the parents formulates a reproach to the child and that the second parent disagrees with this remark. Indeed, the resonances related to the behavior of the child are different for each parent and can cause disagreements that it is important to put into words. »
And when the child finds himself at the heart of a problem that does not concern him? ” In this situation, therapy can ultimately focus on the couple ». The child’s anger, or any emotion that he strongly expresses, often helps to mask the communication problems in the couple. As if the child’s emotion became the receptacle of all the things left unsaid.
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Source : Interview with Laurence, psychologist, February 21, 2023
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Written by : Laura Bourgault – Edited by: Emmanuel Ducreuzet