I know that over time you will forget certain events, certain parts of the story. That’s how memory selects. Sometimes it even transforms things, positively or negatively. But I would like you not to forget.
I want you to remember his hand in yours every moment. His astonishment when other guys tell him that they have never accompanied their wives to the various appointments. His eyes widen immensely in incomprehension when he tells you.
I would like you to remember that he always said “we will do as you want, we will go where you want, whatever the cost, we won’t do it if you don’t want to”. Still.
Don’t forget the weight of guilt on his shoulders, which will never really go away, no matter what.
Oh sure, once he said “it’s ok huh, I went to get YOUR shots”, triggering an argument, shouting, apologies. Of course he got up many times just too late, right following the daily injection, until the day you realized he hated the feeling of hurting you, until the day he understood that you needed him, every morning.
Don’t forget his look when you came back from the theater, the fear you read there, and his words “it lasted longer than the first time, I thought it wasn’t going well, I thought …”.
Remember that you agree not to do this once more. Because it was tough, physically, emotionally, psychologically. Because no one should go through this, it’s too hard. Remember the endlessly dashed hopes: six then two then zero. Ten then seven then three then… Don’t forget, even in a year, even in ten what you’ve been through, what you’ve been through, nothing beats all that, have no regrets.
Remember the reproaches of the patients for not doing enough, when you were at the end of the line, and you continued to be present all the same, with the anguish of doing badly because you were too tired. Maybe one day you’ll finally put your fist in the face of Partner, you’ll tell me if it did you any good. Keep in mind this desire to leave, these plans for change, his “we’ll leave if you wish”, this slightly crazy project that he said one day and which you would never have thought of, this desire to unscrew that is rising .
Keep the kind words of your parents, the chocolates offered by a friend, the candles lit by others, the sweet words of Germaine, the tweets of some, the emails of others…
Remember the moments of laughter when he told you jokes to make the injections less painful. Of his arms around you when you sighed “I can’t take it anymore, it’s too difficult”. His , of variable funny level, to relax the atmosphere. Meals prepared every evening, tupperware ready to go every morning, cats fed every day, tomatoes picked for you, stewardship even more perfect than usual.
Don’t forget how surprised you were at the wave of tears triggered by Barney’s request to Robin, the day following the last day, when he had always been an unfailing support and when you finally caught your breath , started to sleep once more and smiled once more. You were so exhausted that you didn’t see, or didn’t want to see, that it wasn’t just for you.
Whatever happens next, I would like you to remember what is important, what is, what is precious.
And above all, remember that you love him. And how much you love him.
